The Complete Fab Confessions of Georgia Nicolson: Books 1-10. Louise Rennison
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the orang-utan gene is rearing its ugly head again. My eyebrows are so hairy they are now approaching the “It’s a moustache! It’s a hedgehog!!! No, no, it’s GEORGIA’S EYEBROWS!!” stage.
It doesn’t even stop at the head, this rogue hair business. I’ve just inspected my legs. I look like I have got hairy trousers on.
Dad’s razor is lying there, calling to me, “Come on, use me. You know you want to.” But no, no, I must resist after what happened last time. My eyebrows took a thousand years to grow back after I accidentally shaved them off.
Hmm, but maybe Mum’s hair-removing cream? Just a little dab here and there.
Midday
Mutti asked me if I wanted to go tenpin bowling with them! Honestly! She and Vati went off with Libby skipping along. I think M and D were holding hands. Sweet really, I suppose. I just wish it didn’t make me feel so sick.
12:30 p.m.
Jas came round AT LAST. I was a bit miffed with her about last night and not bothering to come round earlier. She was lying on my bed and I could see her vast pantibus underneath her skirt. I said, “Jas, do you mind? I’m not feeling very well. I think I might have jet lag from coming home from Och-aye land.”
“You haven’t got a tan.”
What is the point? I gave her my worst look. She didn’t notice, of course, just went on putting on my mascara. She CANNOT stop pouting every time she sees herself in a mirror. She said, “We had a great time at the cinema. Dave the Laugh is really … you know …” (Pouty pout.)
“What?”
“Well, you know …” (Pouty pout.) “ … a laugh.”
I tried not to be sarcastic or raise my eyebrows ironically, because I didn’t want to draw any attention to them. I had not quite achieved the sophisticated look that I wanted with Mum’s hair remover. In fact, I had achieved the “someone has just stuck a firework up my bottom” look. But you couldn’t really tell unless you pulled my fringe back.
Anyway, you’d have to be on fire for Jas to notice anything. She was rambling on. “Do you think I should get my hair cut really short at the back and kind of longer at the front?”
I hadn’t the remotest interest in Jas’s head but I know you have to let her rave on about herself a bit otherwise you never get to talk about yourself. Then she said, “Ellen really likes Dave the Laugh.”
“Huh?”
“She stayed round at my place for the night and we talked until about four a.m. That’s why I am so tired.”
“It’s nice that you have got a new lezzie mate, Jas, but what has that got to do with me?”
“She didn’t sleep in my bed.”
“So you say.”
“Well she didn’t.”
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Jas. If you swing both ways that is your personal choice. I’m sure Tom will understand if you tell him you are a bisexual.”
“Oh shut up – you’re being all moody and stressy because Robbie hasn’t phoned you.”
She’s right, actually, which is annoying. I feel all pent up, like in Cell block H. I said, “Let’s put on some really loud CDs and go apeshit crazy.”
We did this fab dance routine. It was duo head shaking, kick turn, jump on bed, snog teddy then back to the head shaking. I was feeling quite perked up. Then, of course, someone had to spoil it. I had forgotten about the Return of the Mad Bearded One. He came in the front door and it was stomp, stomp, “Bloody hell!”, then crash, stomp, stomp, yell: “Georgia!!! Are you deaf?!!! Turn that racket down, I could hear it at the end of the bloody street!!”
I shouted back, “Pardon? Can you speak up, Dad, there’s really loud music playing!!!” Which made Jas and me laugh a lot. But not El Beardo.
4:00 p.m.
Jas my so-called best mate had to go because she was doing her “homework”. How sad is that? Very very sad. Also she was doing it with her “boyfriend” Hunky. Hell will freeze over and become a skating rink for the mad before I will do my homework with Robbie. Sex Gods and their girlfriends do not “do homework”. Life is too short.
I tried to explain the tragedy of what she was doing but Jas just said, “I want to do well in my German exam.”
I laughed. But she was serious.
I said, “It is so naff to do well in German, Jas.” Jas went all huffy. “You only say that because you can’t do it.”
“Oh that is so nicht true, Jas. Ich bin ein guten German speaker.”
But old swotty knickers went off anyway. Hmmm.
5:00 p.m.
Swiss Family Robinson have gone to the cinema together now. It’s just fun fun fun, all the way for them.
All aloney. On my owney. It’s bloody nippy noodles as well. What a life.
I have been back a whole day and a night and he has not called me. Why oh why oh why?
I am so fed up.
5:10 p.m.
I might as well go to bed and grow my lurker.
5:20 p.m.
Phone rang. Probably Jas asking me something about her homework.
I said, “Jahwohl!”
5:22 p.m.
The Sex God wants me to go round to his house!!! His parents are out. I am so HAPPY!!!
5:30 p.m.
I changed into my jeans and quickly got made up. I went for the “natural” look (lip gloss, eyeliner, mascara and blusher) with a touch of panstick on the lurker. You could only see the lurking lurker if you looked up my nostril and what fool was going to do that? Then I dashed off.
Outside Robbie’s house
6:00 p.m.
I walked through the gate, breathing the atmosphere of Sex Goddiness, and knocked on the door.
My heart was beating really loudly. The door opened.
The Sex God.
Himself.
In person.
In his gorgeous black jeans and thingy top. And his dreamy armey things and gorgey leggy whatsits and mouthy thing and so on. He is SO dreamy. Every time I see him it’s a shock. He smiled at me.
“Georgia … how are you?”
Excellent question. Excellent. Good. I knew the answer as well. That was the marvellous thing. I knew the answer was “Great, how are you?” Unfortunately all the blood in my brain had gone for a bit of a holiday into my cheeks. I had a very very red face and a completely empty brain. I couldn’t speak, all I could do was be very very red. I bet that was attractive.
He just looked at me and he smiled this really beautiful smile, all curly round the teeth. Like he really liked me. Yuuummy scrum bos.
Then