The Reluctant Vampire. Eric Morecambe
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said the Doctor, a little less proudly.
‘Yes.’
‘How long?’
‘Five foot ten.’
‘I mean how long has he been dead?’ The Doctor was getting to the knuckle-cracking stage again. He went on. ‘What did he die of?’
‘Too much weight.’
‘Over-indulgence?’ the Doctor asked.
‘No, over in Germany,’ came the reply. ‘Won’t you come in?’
‘Thank you,’ the Doctor said, glad to change the subject.
‘I suppose you are expected?’
‘Yes I am,’ the skinny Doctor smiled; well, almost smiled.
‘What about … er … that?’ The servant pointed to Igon.
The Doctor looked down at what he had just used as a door knocker and kicked him hard on the rump. ‘If I had my way I’d feed him to the wolves.’ And with that he walked past the servant.
The servant bent down and looked Igon straight in the eye.
‘Clear off you terrible-looking thing.’
‘I want to come in. I want to see Valentine,’ Igon said.
‘I’m not at all sure that you are allowed in here.’
‘Of course I’m allowed in. Why, I’m almost one of the family,’ the moving bundle of rags said. He then pushed his way past the servant and ran after the fast retreating Doctor.
The three of them ran along the corridors of the castle towards the Vampires’ rooms. They came to a halt outside a door with the letters VIP on it.
‘This is it,’ cried Igon. ‘This is the room. Yes. See VIP. It means Vampire In Pain.’
‘Are you sure?’ asked the Doctor.
‘Of course I’m sure.’ Igon jumped up and down with excitement and the thought that today he would see Valentine who liked him and never called him ugly or kicked him.
The Doctor turned to the servant and asked him if it was the correct room.
‘I don’t really know. I’ve only worked here for a week and I’ve never seen Mr Valentine.’
‘Prince Valentine,’ Igon corrected.
‘Prince, if you like. But either way I don’t know where he is. But he could be in here because VIP means Very Important Person and Mr … sorry … Prince Valentine is just that.’
The Doctor nodded his head wisely.
Igon opened the door and walked slowly into the room, followed by the not-too-sure Doctor and the servant.
The room was bereft of all furniture except for a thick, long wooden table on which rested a coffin with the lid open. From inside the coffin they heard a cough.
Igon whispered, ‘There’s someone coughing in the coffin.’
The servant kicked Igon, thinking that it was his turn to kick him. The three of them walked tentatively over to the coffin and looked inside; well, the Doctor and the servant did. Poor Igon couldn’t reach. So he started to climb up the side of Doctor Plump like a mountain climber making his way up the Matterhorn.
When he saw inside the coffin he was very sad for there was Valentine and it seemed pretty obvious that he was a very sick Vampire.
In the Doctor’s mind there was no doubt that Valentine had the vapours. As everyone knows, a Vampire with the vapours is almost as bad as Frankenstein’s monster with a screw loose; his head falls off.
Now, when a Vampire has the vapours his head doesn’t fall off but his teeth drop out. Can you imagine a Vampire without any teeth? He can’t bite you. The worst thing he can do is give a good suck.
Igon looked at the Doctor with fear in his eye. The Doctor looked worried while the servant looked forward to leaving. Suddenly the window crashed open and through it came Valentine’s father, King Victor the First, Emperor of all Vampires.
He was over six feet tall and was dressed in full Vampire regalia – a most beautiful hand-made evening dress suit, white tie (of course) with an elegant deep, red-lined cloak. All his clothes were obviously made to measure. His hair over his forehead came to a perfect point just above the bridge of his long, thin, aristocratic nose that flared as he breathed.
Here was the perfect Vampire, the epitome of what everyone thought a Vampire should be. The one that all other Vampires since modelled themselves on. He stood there, an erect, handsome man, as pale as death itself.
‘Gutt evenink,’ he hissed. The bat on his shoulder settled down to sleep. The three men stood to attention, well, two of them did. Igon did his best.
‘Did my Vamp have a nice evening out?’ Igon asked, much to the surprise of both the Doctor and the servant.
‘Yes, mine ugly frent,’ Victor the First whispered hoarsely. He then glided over to his son lying in the coffin.
‘Is vot is in your mind, mine Herr, the same as vot is in mine mind, mine Doctor?’
The Doctor looked away.
‘Do you think the same think as I am thinking? I think that mine son has got the dreaded and vile Vampire vapours.’
The Doctor could only nod his long face. King Victor’s eyes almost burnt through the shaking Doctor Plump.
‘Then I look very much forward to you curink him, mine Doctor.’
The Doctor almost had the vapours himself as he heard what the King said.
‘But your Vampship … er … no one has ever cured a Vampire of the vapours … ever.’
‘Then you vill be the first, Doctor.’
‘But … Bu … t.’
Igon, whose head only came up to the Doctor’s knees, watched his knees start to shake, rattle and roll. Victor the First carried on talking.
‘Mine dear Doctor. If you do not cure mine younkest son, the baby of mine family, if you do not cure him … then I’m afraid you vill cure no von else, ever again. I repeat, if you do not cure him ant restore him back to normal health, then I’m afraid I shall have to giff you to Vernon to experiment vit. That means, Doctor Plump, that you vill probably leef this castle in a bucket. Vernon has a liking for that sort of think. A small bucket; the type children use at the seaside. Ant I promise you, Doctor Plump, although the bucket may be small, all off you vill be in it.’
The bat fell off Victor’s shoulders in a deep sleep. Victor caught it in the toe of his Italian, hand-made shoes just before it hit the ground. He continued as if nothing had happened.
‘Do you remember Mayor Goop off Katchem?’
The white-faced Doctor nodded.
‘Did you ever vonder vot became off him?’
Once again the Doctor nodded and gulped.
‘Vell, vould you like to take him off mine shoe ant put him on mine shoulder?’
At this point the servant fainted on top of the already-fainted Doctor Plump.
Victor the First looked at both of them lying at his feet. He stepped over them with great poise, and placed his hand on the forehead of his still son. With closed eyes he stood for a few seconds. Within that time ice began to form around the inside of the coffin.
‘Ve must keep him cold,