Existence. James Frey
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ever wanted?
“You first,” she says.
He doesn’t want to offer his real name—this is the twenty-first century; the first thing she’ll do when she goes inside is Google him and his family, and she’ll discover all the things he doesn’t want her to know, the rumors and allegations that inevitably swirl around a crime syndicate even when the government declines to prosecute, or care.
“Most people call me Feo,” he says, offering his nickname instead. It has always felt right to him, as if naming his secret, fundamental truth.
“Feo?” She wrinkles her nose. “Does that mean something?”
Jago laughs. “You really don’t know any Spanish at all, do you?”
“Tell me what it means.”
Her combination of stubborn ferocity with wide-eyed innocence is addictive and irresistible. He can see it in her eyes: this girl is fearless.
“Guess.”
She appraises him carefully, narrows her eyes, smiles. “Mountain.”
He shakes his head.
She presses a finger to his lips, slips it through, taps one of his capped incisors. “Golden boy,” she guesses. “Diamond head.”
“Not even close.”
“Tell me,” she says, and kisses his neck.
“No.”
“Tell me.” She kisses the tip of his nose.
“No …”
“Tell me.” She kisses his palm, the inside of his wrist, works her way up his forearm, and he knows this girl will be trouble—this girl will take whatever she wants from him, and he has much to lose.
“Feo,” he says, giving in. “‘Ugly.’”
She flinches. “Who would call you that?”
He shrugs, smiles to show he doesn’t care, that it’s all a good joke to him. “Who wouldn’t?”
She grazes her fingertips down the length of his scar. “I wouldn’t,” she says softly.
He’s embarrassed, suddenly, not of the nickname, but of the fact that he allows it, and for an impossible moment feels a flicker of rage toward this girl, that she can make him burn with shame. One moment, one spark of anger; then it’s gone as if it never existed.
“Your name is so much better, I suppose?”
“It’s Alicia.” She rises up on her toes, gives him a quick peck on the lips, suddenly demure. “Think you can remember that for next time?”
“Next time?”
She retreats, carefully eases open the door to her girls’ dorm—it’s hours beyond her curfew, but she seems unconcerned, says she’s snuck out before, and anyway, what can they do to her, these overcautious nursemaids? He loves the way she talks.
“You know where to find me,” she says, before she disappears into the citadel. “Just make sure you’ve come up with a better name by the time you come back.”
The following night, Jago takes her to dinner at Los Gatos, an exclusive bastion of candlelit elegance where the waiters keep a bottle of their finest champagne on ice for him, just in case he happens by.
He orders every appetizer on the menu and four entrées, so they can have a taste of everything, and once they’ve sipped their champagne, he summons the waiter and requests a bottle of their most expensive wine.
As they drink the rich red, Jago puts a small velvet box on the white tablecloth. Alicia opens it up to find a small sapphire dangling from a delicate gold chain.
“Oh,” she says, then closes the box and digs into her meal.
It’s not exactly the reaction he was hoping for.
“You don’t like it? I thought it would bring out your eyes.”
“It’s gorgeous,” she says. “But, it’s so …”
“What?”
“Well, it looks crazy expensive, and we just met, so that’s kind of weird, don’t you think?”
“I think it’s beautiful, and you’re beautiful, so it seems like a perfect match.”
She shakes her head. “Well, um, okay. But I don’t really wear much jewelry. It would be wasted on me. So …”
It’s not like it was at the nightclub, or in the moonlight. It’s not easy between them, and he doesn’t know why. He excuses himself to the bathroom, and on his way slips some money into the palm of the maître d’ and makes a whispered request.
When he returns to the table, a violinist comes over to join them and begins a mournful rendition of a childhood lullaby. Jago waves over an old woman shuffling past the tables with an armful of roses, and buys a dozen, gives her a tip ten times their value. He offers them to Alicia—she takes them but doesn’t smile.
“I’m sorry, but …” She stops, turns to the violinist, and says, “That’s lovely, but I’ve got a bit of a headache, so …”
The violinist looks to Jago, who nods his assent, and the musician backs away, looking abashed, surely afraid he’s displeased the monster of Juliaca.
“I’m sorry,” Jago says quickly. He can feel the night slipping away from him, and if he doesn’t understand what he’s done, how is he supposed to fix it? He speaks eleven languages fluently, knows nineteen ways to kill a man with his bare hands, holds this city in the palm of his hands … yet somehow, he’s powerless to make this one girl smile. “I didn’t realize you had a headache.”
“I don’t, I just …”
“Is it a law, in England, not to finish your sentences?” he snaps—then instantly regrets the flare of temper. He’s simply not used to this kind of frustration.
She grins. “Aha! There you are.”
“What? Of course here I am.”
“No, I mean, you. Like, the real you, not this cheesy romance bullshit. The you from last night.”
“Excuse me, cheesy romance bullshit?”
“Flowers, candlelight, champagne, violin music? A necklace, for a girl you’ve just met? I don’t know what kind of girls you usually date, but …”
He dates girls who like “cheesy romance bullshit” and the rewards that come with it. These are the kinds of girls who want to date a Tlaloc—at least a Tlaloc who looks like him. These are the girls who won’t ask hard questions or make demands he prefers not to fulfill.
“And what kind of girl are you, Alicia? What would you prefer to do?”
“How about talk?” she says. “You could tell me about yourself.”
He shrugs. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“You go to school?”
“Sure,” he lies. “Who doesn’t? Junior year’s a bitch.”
“SATs, picking colleges, all that, right?” she says.
He nods like he knows what she’s talking about. Jago’s life doesn’t resemble that of the teenagers he sees on TV. He’s been homeschooled for his entire life, taught by tutors and physical trainers behind the walls of his family’s gated estate, trained not for a life of college and banal employment but for duty, sacrifice, courage, and, eventually, rule.
“I’m thinking about, uh, law school,” he says, wondering if that will impress her.
“Bullshit.”
“Excuse me?”