I Am A Woman. Ann Bannon
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way, to ask such a question! She was defenseless against her feeling in the soft black night, with the soft voice of a lovely girl asking her, “Were you ever in love?” For a while she tried to keep her mouth clamped shut. But Marcie asked her again and she was undone.
“Were you, Laura?”
“Yes,” she whispered.
“What was it like?”
“Oh, God, Marcie—it was so long ago—it was so complicated. I don’t know what it was like.”
“Was it good?”
“It was awful.”
Marcie turned over in bed at this, raising herself on her elbows. “Wasn’t it good sometimes? Now and then?”
“Now and then—” Laura whispered, “it was paradise. But most of the time it was hell.”
“Did—did he love you? As much, I mean?”
Laura pressed her hands to her mouth, not trusting herself for a minute. Then she whispered, “No.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Marcie’s voice was warm with sympathy. “Men are such bastards, aren’t they?”
“Yes. They are.”
After a moment of thought Marcie said, “Burr likes you.”
“I’m glad.” She couldn’t stand to talk anymore. “Good night, Marcie.”
“Good night, Laura.” Marcie sounded a little disappointed. But she said nothing more and in a minute Laura heard her roll over and fall asleep. Laura did not sleep again that night.
If Laura and Marcie went along together on greased wheels, Marcie and Burr did nothing of the kind. There was never anything real to argue about. But Burr couldn’t pick up a book or clear his throat or make a suggestion without causing a disagreement. And he was as quick to snap at his ex-wife. The only times they weren’t shouting at each other, they were kissing each other.
“You probably wonder why we keep seeing each other when we fight like this,” Marcie said to her one night.
“Do you love each other?”
“I don’t know—Yes.”
“Then I guess it doesn’t matter if you fight.”
“I hope it doesn’t drive you nuts.”
“No, not at all.” Laura wouldn’t even look up from her book. Marcie embarrassed her with these confidences. But she couldn’t go on reading. She stared at the page and waited for Marcie to continue.
Marcie couldn’t keep a secret. Things poured out of her, even intimate things, even things that belonged to her private soul and should have stayed there. Laura squirmed to hear her sometimes.
“We see each other,” Marcie went on, “because we can’t keep our hands off each other. We fight because we’re ashamed of what we want from each other. At least, I am. I guess Burr doesn’t have any shame. No, that’s not fair. I guess he’s the one who’s sure he’s in love. Sometimes I think I am, because I want to keep seeing him. And other times, I think it’s just his big broad shoulders.”
“Don’t see him for a while,” Laura said. “Or try talking less when you do. See what happens. Or do you just want to keep torturing yourself?”
“I guess I do,” said Marcie with such a disarming smile that Laura had to smile back.
“Well, it’s not my business. I can’t pass out any helpful hints,” Laura said. I won’t care about your personal life, I can’t, she thought.
Marcie laughed, walking around the room, peeling off her clothes. “Laura, you’re a funny girl,” she said. “You’re not like other girls I know.”
“I’m not?” Laura felt an old near-forgotten sick feeling come up in her chest.
“No. Other girls love to talk about things. They love to gossip. Why, I know some who would get started on Burr and keep going until they had to be gagged. But you’re different. You just sit there and read and think. Don’t you get worn out doing so much thinking?”
“What makes you think I do so much?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Don’t you?”
“Everybody thinks.”
“Not as much as you do.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it.”
“I don’t mean that. I mean—I guess I mean, why don’t you ever go out?”
“I do. I saw that musical last week.”
“I don’t mean with me. Or other girls. I mean with boys.”
Laura loathed conversations like these. She felt as if she had spent her whole life justifying herself to somebody—mostly Merrill Landon, but others too. As if everything she did or didn’t do had to be inspected and approved. If it wasn’t approved it stuck in her craw somewhere and came up now and then to make her sick. “I’m new in New York,” she said. “I don’t know anyone yet.”
“How about Dr. Carstens? You said he was good-looking.”
“He’s married.”
“Well, the other one, then?”
“He’s practically married.”
“Well, how about the big shot?”
“He’s a grandfather.” She said it sarcastically.
Marcie threw her hands up and laughed. “Laura, I’m going to have to do something about you.”
“Don’t do anything about me, please, Marcie.” Something in the tone of her voice sobered Marcie up.
“Why not?” she said.
“I—I just don’t want to be a bother, that’s all.”
“A bother!” Marcie came and sat beside her on the bed, wearing only the bottoms of a pair of blue jersey pajamas, cut like slim harem pants. Her breasts were high and full and unbearably sweet. “Laura, I like you. We’re living together. We’re friends. I guess I’ve made a bad impression on you with Burr and everything, but I want you to know I really like you. You’re no bother.” She smiled. “I’ll get Burr to fix you up with Jack Mann. We’ll go somewhere together. We need to get out. Maybe we’d quit quarreling if we didn’t sit around this apartment all the time.”
She paused, and Laura tried not to look at her.
“How about it?” Marcie said.
Laura was in a familiar situation. She’d been in it before, she’d be in it again, there was no escaping it. This is a heterosexual society and everybody plays the game one way or another. Or pretends to play it for appearances’ sake.
“I’d love to,” Laura said.
“Good! What night?”
“Any night.” Laura wanted to shove her off the bed, to throw the covers at her; anything to cover up her gleaming bosom. She felt herself go hot and cold by turns and it exasperated her. She wondered how obvious it was. But even in her discomfort she knew it didn’t show as much as it felt. She finally climbed past Marcie and out of the bed, making a hasty way to the bathroom.
“I’ll call Burr,” Marcie called after her.
Laura closed the bathroom door and leaned heavily against it, panting, her arms clasped tight around herself, rocking back and forth, her eyes shut. Spasms went through her and she shook herself