Earth to Hell. Kylie Chan
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First Heavenly General. Lord Bai Hu, Emperor of the Western Heavens. Princess Simone, only human daughter of the Dark Lord of the Northern Heavens.’ Great job, ladies.
Oh. You didn’t have the precedence until you were off probation, Simone said. Way to go, Emma. First Heavenly General! Way cool!
‘You say cool far too much,’ I growled under my breath.
A litany followed me down the stairs back to the preparation room. Cool cool cool cool cool!
Bai Hu leaned his elbows on the dining table and held his head in his hands. He rubbed his hands over his face and looked at us, despairing. ‘I really don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do with you two. That was beyond stupid.’
‘I thought we handled it okay, Uncle Bai,’ Simone said. ‘At least we won’t have all these Celestials trying to marry me.’
‘Expect at least two dozen challenges in the next two weeks, Emma,’ Bai Hu said.
‘No way,’ I said. ‘If they win, they have to face Simone. And if they win that, they have to touch the yin. They don’t have the nerve.’
‘Nothing to do with the yin, girls. Simone, you just declared open season on Emma. Anyone who wants to match skills with her can try. Every guy in Heaven who thinks he’s halfway good will be calling her out.’
‘Oh.’ Simone’s face fell. ‘I hadn’t thought of it like that.’ She turned to me, full of remorse. ‘I’m so sorry, Emma.’
I shrugged. ‘Not an issue. I’ll be able to practise against some good opponents, it’s not to the death, and if they win, they won’t dare to take it further because they’re all scared to death of the yin.’
‘And another thing,’ the Tiger said. ‘You said that anybody that wants your hand has to do these three things. What, you plan on never having a boyfriend at all? You gonna be a goddamn nun? How many guys out there can actually physically touch yin? Guys that aren’t related to you, daughter of yin? You just made yourself pretty much permanently unavailable for marriage for the rest of your life.’
Simone shrugged. ‘So? I’ll just never marry. If I really like a guy we’ll move in together.’
‘It’s your hand in the sense of your hand in the bond of love, Simone,’ the Tiger said grimly. ‘More than just marriage. If you want to have a live-in relationship with anybody, Celestial or human, they have to touch the yin.’
Simone opened her mouth and then closed it again.
‘Don’t worry about it, Simone,’ I said. ‘We’ll just cross that bridge when we come to it. It’ll work out. Use the declaration as a shield. When you’re older and ready, you can change it.’
‘You can’t change something like that,’ the Tiger said, still grim.
‘Whatever. Right now it’ll keep all those losers off your back.’
‘Starting with that little blue creep,’ Simone said with relish. ‘God, I loved the look on his face when he thought about touching the yin. He’s been so arrogant, expecting me to just fall at his feet because he’s so freaking gorgeous.’
‘He’s Qing Long’s,’ I said. ‘I wonder if any of his children haven’t inherited his attitude?’
‘Nope,’ the Tiger said.
‘So. Hell,’ Simone said. ‘Help us out here, Uncle Bai. What do we need to take with us?’
Bai Hu leaned back and put his hands on the table. ‘Right. Hell. This is what you need to do.’
I came around on the couch at home, with the Tiger’s concerned face above me. I sat up. ‘I’m okay.’
Simone sat on the opposite couch, still in her robes.
‘How long was I out this time?’ I said.
‘Only a couple of minutes. It’s quicker every time. Soon you’ll be able to transport without losing consciousness at all,’ the Tiger said.
Monica heard us and came out of the kitchen. ‘Welcome back, ma’am.’ She saw the armour and the sword. ‘Did everything work out okay?’
‘It’s all fine.’ I rose and headed into the kitchen. ‘Could you make us some tea? We need to talk.’
‘There are a lot of messages for you as well, ma’am,’ Monica said.
I pulled off the sword and the armour and dropped them onto the floor next to the pantry. Simone headed towards her room, probably to change out of the robes. The Tiger and I sat across the kitchen table from each other. Monica put a pot of Chinese tea in front of the Tiger and a mug of Ceylon tea in front of me and we nodded our thanks. Notes and envelopes covered the table, and the Tiger picked a few up to read them. I slapped his hand and he grimaced and dropped them.
‘Dinner at home tonight, ma’am?’ Monica said.
‘Yes, thanks, Monica.’
I flipped through the envelopes. Mostly bills, they could be handled later. I checked the phone messages. Three from staff on the Mountain. Two from Generals. One from the bank. One from Simone’s teacher, asking me to call her back urgently.
Simone returned in a pair of scruffy jeans and a T-shirt. She had let her hair down without brushing it and it formed tangled skeins around her head. I waved the note at her. ‘You been up to anything at school?’
‘Nope.’ She pulled a box of lemon tea out of the fridge and sat with it. ‘As far as I know I’m not in trouble about anything, but I’ve skipped a few classes lately, and you didn’t ring them this morning to tell them I wasn’t going to be there.’
‘Oh yeah, that’s right,’ I said. ‘You have to remind me, Simone. I have too much going on all at the same time.’
‘I’ve got a bunch of notes for you too.’ She jumped up and went out.
‘Just bring them directly,’ the Tiger said to her back.
‘I’m not lazy like you,’ she retorted without turning around.
I moaned and leaned on the table. ‘This school is solely responsible for the destruction of countless rainforests. She brings home a mountain of notes every week. It’s okay for the mothers at home who have time to attend endless morning teas and tennis socials, but I have better things to do with my time.’
‘You wouldn’t have that problem —’ the Tiger began.
I cut him off. ‘If she went to Celestial High. I know. But she wants to be normal.’
He snorted, and opened his mouth to say something, but Simone came in with a stack of notes and put them in front of me. ‘This is from last week too.’
I quickly flipped through the information and stopped at an envelope with ‘Mr and Mrs Chen’ typewritten on the outside. I glared at Simone, but she just shrugged. ‘No idea.’
‘I ring them every time to tell them to address stuff to me,’ I grumbled as I opened the envelope. I read the note, then threw it on the table. ‘You’ve been missing too many classes lately and they want to talk to me immediately. They want me to contact your teacher right now for an interview.’
‘I don’t want to repeat Year Nine, Emma. Please go and talk to them,’ Simone said.
‘If she went to Celestial High —’ the Tiger began.
Simone cut him off. ‘I’m not going to any Celestial High full of Celestial freaks. I want to stay down here with normal people.’
‘What does that make me?’ the Tiger said gruffly.
‘The biggest freak of all,’ she shot back. She turned to me. ‘Please, Emma, talk to my teacher. Give them some excuse. Tell them I have cancer or something and I