Earth to Hell. Kylie Chan
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not the first person you’ve made aware of this, am I?’
They didn’t reply.
‘The Jade Emperor has to know,’ I said.
‘He probably does, but unless we ask for Celestial intervention, this is an internal stone matter, as we have an agreement with the Celestial to …’ The stone from my ring smiled slightly. ‘Butt out of our business.’
‘Then get onto the JE and tell him about this, because something is obviously going on,’ I said. ‘What’s happening to them anyway?’
‘That’s the thing, Emma,’ the stone from my ring said, his voice gravelly with stress. ‘We have no idea.’
‘We were hoping that, as Dad’s owner, you could bring this up with him on our behalf,’ Gold said.
‘Why don’t you go to him yourselves?’ I said, then nodded as I understood. ‘Of course, lose too much face asking him to come in and give you a hand when you’ve already told him to butt out.’
‘Face has nothing to do with it,’ Gold said indignantly.
‘You know she’s right,’ the stone from my ring said with resignation. He glanced up at me. ‘So will you talk to him?’
‘Prepare a memorial. I’ll look at it and sign it and chop it and send it on as FHG,’ I said.
‘FHG?’ Gold said, confused.
‘First Heavenly General,’ the stone said.
‘Oh.’ Gold shook his head. ‘You don’t show the same amount of respect for Celestial matters that others do, Emma. Sometimes it’s … strange.’
‘Try spending all your time with her,’ the stone said dryly. ‘I thought my attitude was perverse.’
‘I’ve written the memorial for you; it’s on your hard disk in the Celestial Matters folder,’ Gold said.
‘I’ll take a look,’ I said.
Gold saluted me. ‘Ma’am. By your leave.’
‘Go home. If I need you I’ll contact you.’
Gold disappeared. My stone folded up its human form and returned to the ring.
I opened the email program on John’s computer.
‘There’s an email there from Simone’s teacher; I sent her one making an appointment for you to see her day after tomorrow, after school,’ the stone said. ‘I’ve changed the computer records of Simone’s absences from school, so all you have to do is claim that they have the absence rate wrong.’
‘You shouldn’t have done that, it’s dishonest,’ I said.
‘It’s a Celestial solution to a Celestial problem. If she wasn’t the daughter of Xuan Tian this would not be an issue.’
‘Anything else important there?’
The stone’s voice softened. ‘You have five challenges, but this is pretty bad. Er Lang has called you out.’
‘What?’
‘I don’t know why he wants to match skills with you. He’s one of the most powerful warriors on the Celestial, and I’m sure he could defeat you easily. He definitely doesn’t want Simone’s hand — he’s a confirmed bachelor.’
‘He’s gay?’
‘Nobody really knows; he’s never been seen in the company of anyone, male or female. There’s some speculation that he has something going on with his dog.’
‘Ew. And his dog’s male.’
‘Oh come on, Emma, look at the Tiger. You know that he gets together with his wives sometimes in Tiger form and —’
I raised my hands. ‘Stop. Stop. Way too much information. You are thoroughly squicking me out here.’
‘Okay, Emma, think for a moment. What if your own true love, the Turtle, were to return to you in full possession of his senses but in such a weakened state that he could only take True Form?’
I dropped my hands.
‘What if you were swimming, and the Turtle were to drift through the water to meet you, told you in John’s voice that he loved you with all his heart, then held you gently with his flippers and —’
I interrupted again. ‘Cut it out. Enough. Whatever. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.’
‘It might happen, Emma … Oh. Incoming message.’
The stone was silent for a moment and I waited for it. When it spoke its voice was full of amusement. ‘Typical of the Tiger. Lady Rhonda’s engagement ring just contacted me. The Tiger has given her a sentient diamond Shen as the centrepiece of the ring. Nothing nearly as precious as me, but diamond Shen are quite rare. This one is arrogant to the extreme. Lady Rhonda wants to know if you are free for lunch tomorrow so she can discuss the ramifications of going to Hell, and what she can expect there.’
‘Am I free?’
‘I’ve already confirmed it for you. Now, we need to look at your diary, because you have five challenges you need to take care of sometime in the next two weeks.’
‘And Er Lang.’
‘Him above all.’
CHAPTER 12
‘I feel like Persephone,’ Rhonda said over her salad.
The years had been kind to her and she radiated intelligence and confidence. ‘Kidnapped by Hades, and having to spend half her life in Hell because she ate six pomegranate seeds.’
‘He won’t keep you there, don’t worry,’ I said. ‘He’s trustworthy.’ I rested my chin in my hand. ‘Actually I trust him more than some Celestials. He won’t try anything.’
‘He won’t expect me to sleep with him or anything?’
‘No. Absolutely not. Nothing like that. He just wants to talk to you.’
‘I know. He wants to talk me out of remarrying Ah Bai.’
‘Congratulations, by the way. The ring is gorgeous.’
She held the engagement ring up for me to see. The central diamond must have been at least two carats and it was surrounded by more large diamonds in a glittering circle. ‘It’s way too big and a pain most of the time, but it’s the thought that counts, I suppose. And you’re right, these stones can be extremely useful.’
‘I am honoured to be able to serve the Lady Rhonda and to act as the symbol of her troth,’ the stone in her ring said, sounding like a young Chinese woman with a soft Putonghua accent. ‘As a stone that will never decay, I represent the Emperor of the West’s unfailing adoration of her.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ I said. ‘Do you have a name?’
‘I was not graced with a name until the Lady Rhonda took possession of me. She has chosen the name of Zara for me, and I am honoured.’
Rhonda shrugged. ‘She’s a sweetie.’
‘I am proud to serve, my Lady,’ the stone said.
Rhonda leaned on the table, serious, her salad forgotten. ‘What will it be like down there?’
‘On the demonic side? I have no idea.’
‘But Simon Wong kept you imprisoned there for a few weeks. What was that like?’
I leaned back. ‘It was exactly like a posh apartment on top of Harbour City. I could even see the cars parking on the roof of Ocean Terminal. The windows were an illusion, and they were sealed, but it was just like an apartment.’