Be My Baby. A. Michael L.
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‘I’ll take it,’ Jamie said quietly, and picked up the tray, waiting for her to tell him where to go. She led him through to the conservatory.
They sat in silence as she poured the tea, her hands trembling just a little as she pushed the mug over to him. Mollie took this time to look at him, truly look at him, the sad man staring into his tea, his sharper features removing any softness that was once there. He wasn’t the same. The old Jamie fidgeted endlessly, he was always moving, always making noise. This man looked like he could impersonate a statue. The only way she could tell he was impatient was the little movements his mouth was making, like he wanted to talk and had to keep stopping himself.
‘I don’t even know where to start,’ Mollie said suddenly.
‘We could ask a question each?’ he offered, smiling hesitantly. The smile was the same. When he smiled he looked like a boy again. The same boy who promised her he would quit university and raise a child with her. She looked away.
‘So... Esme’s mine,’ Jamie started.
‘Is that meant to be your question?’ Mollie rolled her eyes, ‘It’s pretty bloody obvious, I mean, you saw her. She looks like you.’
‘She looks a lot like you too,’ he smiled. ‘All that blonde hair.’
‘Well, biology,’ Mollie shrugged, trying to keep her guard up, ‘So you’re saying you didn’t know she existed?’
‘Is that meant to be your question?’ Jamie copied her tone, ‘Do I look like someone who knew he had an eleven-year-old daughter?’
‘No,’ Mollie conceded. ‘Do I get another question now?’
Jamie shrugged, clearly not pleased about how this was going.
‘How could you be surprised? How could you be shocked that you had a daughter, when on the day we found out, you held my hand and told me our life would be amazing? How could you possibly not know you had a daughter when we made a plan to raise her together? You let me down.’
‘So that’s why you left?’ Jamie’s voice was thick.
‘I left?’
They sat in silence, staring at each other.
‘I feel like we’re having two different conversations,’ Jamie mumbled, rubbing a tired face with his hand.
‘Two different worlds.’
They sipped their tea, letting the quiet settle around them once again.
‘I called my parents last night, wondering if they knew I had a daughter. My mother told me to stop being so ridiculous, that surely I would know about it. There was something in her voice... she knew. She knew this whole time.’
His voice dripped bitterness.
‘Did they not stay in Badgeley? They would have seen me, seen Ez around town, wouldn’t they?’ Mollie frowned, trying to put it together. ‘I tried... I went there once but... the house was empty...’
‘Ez,’ Jamie smiled briefly, before shaking his head. ‘No, they left not long after I did. They were just waiting for the final kid to leave before they could move. They live in Kent. Did you... did you stay in Badgeley?’
Mollie made a face, ‘Where else was I going to go with a kid to raise?’
‘I thought you’d gone to Bristol, to uni, like the original plan.’
She shrugged, ‘I suppose if I’d looked into the possibilities of university life with a baby, maybe I would have. But it seemed too difficult. I stayed at home. And then, after Ruby died, she left us this place, and so we moved, me and Evie and Esme. To build a new home.’
He looked around, ‘It seems like you’re doing amazing things.’
‘Have you got other kids? A family?’ Mollie heard herself ask, and pretended it was just for Esme’s sake, a question that needed to be asked.
‘No, nothing like that,’ he shrugged, slurping his tea, more relaxed now that they were talking, ‘I’m in the army. Just got back from a tour in Afghanistan. I was out there longer than usual, so I’ve been encouraged to take a little more time on leave, get my head straight before I hear about my next assignment.’
‘Oh.’
‘Oh?’ Jamie smiled, ‘Not what you were expecting?’
‘No, I thought you’d be a history lecturer or something, working at a museum, something... you know, boring,’ Mollie allowed herself a small smile, annoyed at herself, but it was hard to stop it, especially looking at the man in front of her, so unexpected, so different from that boy who loved books and the past. He’d made it as a cool kid, though, Jamie. Maybe because he was a good fighter, but mainly because he wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself. And because he’d been kind.
‘I studied history,’ Jamie sighed, nodding, ‘not at York, but... yeah, anyway, it didn’t seem... I don’t know. I carried on with the TA, joined the army. And here I am.’
Mollie frowned, ‘That’s the last thing I’d ever expect from you.’
‘Yeah, wasn’t where I thought I’d end up either,’ his smile faded.
The silence settled once again, and this time it bugged Mollie, ‘If you’re going to ask, just ask.’
Jamie didn’t even question what she meant, ‘I want to meet her. I want to know her, and know about her life and I want her to know me. I want to apologise to her for not being there. I want to be with her as much as I can...’
‘...before you fly back out to god knows where.’ Mollie finished, pointedly. ‘Do you think that’s fair on a child? She’s done well without a father for all these years. You want to offer her one, but then you want to disappear again in two months?’
‘I don’t want to disappear at all! It might be longer than two months, I’ve got to work with a shrink and they’ll assess when I’m ready to go back.’
‘So now you’re in therapy... you’re giving me more reasons to say no, Jamie,’ Mollie shrugged, ‘Look, I don’t know you. Esme doesn’t know you. You want to turn up and play dad, well, that’s not really how parenting works. Trust me, I’ve been doing it for a while.’
‘It’s not my fault she doesn’t know me!’ Jamie frowned, ‘If I’d known...’
‘If you’d known...’ Mollie frowned, her hand gripping the edge of the table. ‘Whose fault is it? What do you think happened, Jay? What made you leave and go off and live your life, if you didn’t suddenly decide it was too much sacrifice?’
‘You lost the baby!’ Jamie yelled, ‘That’s what she said. You’d lost it whilst I was away at that TA thing, and it was horrible and stressful for you, but you just wanted a clean break. You wanted a fresh start in Bristol, and if I loved you at all, I would give you that. You didn’t want to see me, it was too painful. That’s what they told me.’
‘Who? Who told you that?’
‘Your mum,’ Jamie shrugged, ‘and Ruby.’
Mollie wasn’t sure which betrayal was worse.
She looked at him, incredulous.
‘And you believed them? You just trotted back home, nodding your head, thinking “sure, that’s the opposite of everything Mollie has ever said to me, but whatever” right?’ Mollie felt her voice growing hoarse as she yelled, clutching the handle of her mug so hard she was scared it would snap. She felt the warm ceramic beneath her fingertips, her only lifeline.
‘I was broken, Molls, I... I’d dropped out of my uni applications, I’d made plans for us, my parents were angry...’
‘Oh, well if they were angry...’ Mollie rolled her eyes, gritting her teeth, ‘Why would you listen to