His Lover's Little Secret. Andrea Laurence
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A bad father? No. Perhaps a distracted one. A distant one. An absent one. Or worse, a reluctant one. But not a bad father. “No. Gavin, I—”
“Then why, Sabine? Why would you keep something so important from me? Why would you keep me from being in Jared’s life? He’s young now, but eventually he’d notice he didn’t have a daddy like other kids. What if he thought I didn’t want him? Christ, Sabine. He may not have been planned, but he’s still my son.”
When he said it like that, every excuse in her mind sounded ridiculous. How could she explain that she didn’t want Jared to grow up spoiled, rich but unloved? That she wanted him with her, not at some expensive boarding school? That she didn’t want him to become a successful, miserable shell of a man like his father? All those excuses resulted from her primary fear that she couldn’t shake. “I was afraid I would lose him.”
Gavin’s jaw still flexed with pent-up emotions. “You thought I would take him from you?”
“Wouldn’t you?” Her gaze fixed on him, a challenge in her eyes. “Wouldn’t you have swooped in the minute he was born and claimed him as your own? I’m sure your fancy friends and family would be horrified that a person like me was raising the future Brooks Express Shipping heir. It wouldn’t be hard to deem me an unfit mother and have some judge from your father’s social club grant you full custody.”
“I wouldn’t have done that.”
“I’m sure you only would’ve done what you thought was best for your son, but how was I to know what that would entail? What would happen if you decided he would be better off with you and I was just a complication? I wouldn’t have enough money or connections to fight you. I couldn’t risk it.” Sabine felt the tears prickling her eyes, but she refused to cry in front of Gavin.
“I couldn’t bear the thought of you handing him off to nannies and tutors. Buying his affection with expensive gifts because you were too busy building the family company to spend time with him. Shipping him off to some boarding school as soon as he was old enough, under the guise of getting him the best education when you really just want him out of your hair. Jared wasn’t planned. He wasn’t the golden child of your socially acceptable marriage. You might want him on principle, but I couldn’t be certain you would love him.”
Gavin sat silent for a moment, listening to her tirade. The anger seemed to have run its course. Now he just looked emotionally spent, his dark eyes tired. He looked just like Jared after a long day without a nap.
Sabine wanted to brush the dark strands of hair from his weary eyes and press her palm against the rough stubble of his cheek. She knew exactly how it would feel. Exactly how his skin would smell...an intoxicating mixture of soap, leather and male. But she wouldn’t. Her attraction to Gavin was a hurdle she had to overcome to leave him the first time. The years hadn’t dulled her reaction to him. Now, it would be an even larger complication she didn’t need.
“I don’t understand why you would think that,” he said at last, his words quieter now.
“Because that’s what happened to you, Gavin.” She lowered her voice to a soft, conversational tone. “And it’s the only way you know how to raise a child. Nannies and boarding schools are normal to you. You told me yourself how your parents were always too busy for you and your siblings. How your house cycled through nannies like some people went through tissue paper. Do you remember telling me about how miserable and lonely you were when they sent you away to school? Why would I want that for Jared? Even if it came with all the money and luxury in the world? I wasn’t about to hand him over to you so he could live the same hollow life you had. I didn’t want him to be groomed to be the next CEO of Brooks Express Shipping.”
“What’s wrong with that?” Gavin challenged with a light of anger returning to the chocolate depths of his eyes. “There are worse things than growing up wealthy and becoming the head of a Fortune 500 company founded by your great-great-grandfather. Like growing up poor. Living in a small apartment with secondhand clothes.”
“His clothes aren’t secondhand!” she declared, her blood rushing furiously through her veins. “They’re not from Bloomingdale’s, but they aren’t rags, either. I know that to you we look like we live in squalor, but we don’t. It’s a small apartment, but it’s in a quiet neighborhood near the park where he can play. He has food and toys and most importantly, all the love, stability and attention I can possibly give him. He’s a happy, healthy child.”
Sabine didn’t want to get defensive, but she couldn’t help it. She recognized the tone from back when they were dating. The people in his social circles were always quick to note her shabby-chic fashion sense and lack of experience with an overabundance of flatware. They declared it charming, but Sabine could see the mockery in their eyes. They never thought she was good enough for one of the Brooks men. She wasn’t about to let Gavin tell her that the way she raised her child wasn’t good enough, either.
“I have no doubt that you’re doing a great job with Jared. But why would you make it so hard on yourself? You could have a nice place in Manhattan. You could send him to one of the best private preschools in the city. I could get you a nice car and someone to help you cook and clean and take care of all the little things. I would’ve made sure you both had everything you needed—and without taking him from you. There was no reason to sacrifice those comforts.”
“I didn’t sacrifice anything,” Sabine insisted. She knew those creature comforts came with strings. She’d rather do without. “I never had those things to begin with.”
“No sacrifices?” Gavin shifted in the car to face her directly. “What about your painting? I’ve kept an eye out over the years and haven’t noticed any showings of your work. I didn’t see any supplies or canvases lying around the apartment, either. I assume your studio space gave way to Jared’s things, so where did all that go?”
Sabine swallowed hard. He had her there. She’d moved to New York to follow her dream of becoming a painter. She had lived and breathed her art every moment of the day she could. Her work had even met with some moderate success. She’d had a gallery showing and sold a few pieces, but it wasn’t enough to live on. And it certainly wasn’t enough to raise a child on. So her priorities shifted. Children took time. And energy. And money. At the end of the day, the painting had fallen to the bottom of her list. Some days she missed the creative release of her work, but she didn’t regret setting it aside.
“It’s in the closet,” she admitted with a frown.
“And when was the last time you painted?”
“Saturday,” she replied a touch too quickly.
Gavin narrowed his gaze at her.
“Okay, it was finger paints,” Sabine confessed. She turned away from Gavin’s heavy stare and focused on the yoga mat in her lap. He saw more than she wanted him to. He always had. “But,” she continued, “Jared and I had a great time doing it, even if it wasn’t gallery-quality work. He’s the most important thing in the world to me, now. More important than painting.”
“You shouldn’t have to give up one thing you love for another.”
“Life is about compromises, Gavin. Certainly you know what it’s like to set aside what you love to do for what you’re obligated to do.”
He stiffened in the seat beside her. It seemed they were both guilty of putting their dreams on the back burner, although for very different reasons. Sabine had a child to raise. Gavin had family expectations to uphold and a shipping empire to run. The tight collar of his obligations had chafed back when they were dating. It had certainly rubbed him bloody and raw by now.
When he didn’t respond, Sabine looked up. He was looking out the window, his thoughts as distant as his eyes.
It was surreal to be in the same car with Gavin after all this time. She could feel his gravitational pull on her when they were this close. Walking away from him the first time had been hard. They dated for about a month and a half, but every moment they spent