Born Bad. Josephine Cox
Читать онлайн книгу.
denying that she created a frightening situation, and that the two of youse desperately needed someone to turn to. Thankfully, I was here for Judy, but you made it impossible for me to be there for you, and to tell you the truth, it took me a long time to forgive you for running off to enlist like that.’
When he made no comment, she went on, ‘You ought never to have gone away like that, in the depth of night, without telling a soul where you were going.’
She cast her mind back, to the way he and Judy had gone into the garden to discuss their future, and how he came back into the house, pale as a sheet and without a word to say. She heard him pacing his room half the night. In the morning when she called to him, he was already gone.
‘Kathleen?’
‘Yes?’
‘Do you honestly think it might have been better if I’d stayed?’
The little woman shook her head. ‘No, I don’t think that,’ she told him. ‘In fact, to tell you the truth, taking everything into consideration, I don’t believe you had much of a choice. I dare say you did the only thing you could … in the circumstances.’
Harry recalled the moment that Judy had delivered her shocking revelation. ‘Judy lied to me. Time and again, she deliberately deceived me. If she truly loved me, how could she do that?’
Even now, he could not believe that it had gone so far. ‘Fourteen,’ he groaned. ‘She was only fourteen! Why did she let me go on believing she was sixteen! Didn’t she realise I could have been sent to prison?’
That night, when Judy had confided in her, the very same thought had entered Kathleen’s mind. ‘I can’t condone what Judy did,’ she conceded, ‘but she loved you, Harry. She was obviously carried away by her feelings for you, and then it was too late to tell you she wasn’t old enough for a full relationship.’
‘If only she’d told me earlier, we could have put it all on a different footing. I loved her enough to wait until she was older. But she led me to believe that everything was all right and I, like a damned fool, swallowed every word she said.’ He shook his head. ‘It wasn’t just that she lied about her age,’ he confided. ‘That was bad enough, but the other thing …’ His guilt was tenfold. ‘I just couldn’t cope.’
Kathleen could see how deep it had gone with Harry, but from the anger and the hurt he was showing now, she was left in no doubt but that he still had feelings for Judy, every bit as much as he did back then.
‘She told me she had never loved anyone else, not in the way she loved you.’ Kathleen paused, before going on in a softer voice, ‘Deep down you already know that, don’t you, Harry?’
Harry had told himself the very same over the years. ‘What really matters is that I should have stayed and faced it like a man. The truth is, I didn’t know what to do. Like a coward, I panicked and ran.’ Agitated, he got up to pace back and forth like a trapped animal. ‘You think that too, don’t you, Kathleen – that I did a cowardly thing?’
Kathleen shook her head. ‘You’re wrong,’ she assured him. ‘You were a fine boy then, and you’re a fine man now. You were never a coward; you never could be, because it’s simply not in your make-up.’
‘So if it wasn’t cowardice, what was it that made me run? Why couldn’t I face it head on?’
‘Because the enormity of the situation was beyond you, that’s why.’
‘Did she tell you everything?’
Kathleen confirmed it. ‘The following day, when Judy realised you were gone, she told me everything. I’ll admit, I was just as shocked as you – on both counts! Like you, I assumed that she was at least sixteen or seventeen. She certainly looked it. None of us had any reason to doubt her word.’ She recalled the moment when Judy admitted to having lied about her age.
Then came the second bombshell, which rocked Kathleen to her roots, and there was something else too. All the while Judy was telling her, about the fact that she was only fourteen, and that Harry had made her with child, there was something about Judy’s story that made Kathleen feel uneasy.
To this day, she suspected that Judy had deliberately hidden the real truth from her, and from Harry.
Like Harry, Kathleen had always loved and trusted Judy, but on that occasion she was made to ask herself: what did they really know about Judy? After all, the Roberts family had not been in the street long enough for folks to really get to know them.
Nevertheless, her affection for the girl had not wavered.
Remembering now, she smiled. ‘From the very first I thought Judy was special. She was such a pretty, shy young thing who hardly had two words to say for herself. Of course, it was rumoured that her mother ruled the family with a rod of iron.’
Harry had heard that too. ‘Judy talked about her father a lot, but she hardly ever mentioned her mother. In fact, she hardly ever talked about her past, or where they’d come from. I got the impression that her mother kept her on a short string, that she didn’t care for her to meet other people.’
‘She always found a way to be with you though,’ Kathleen reminded him. She made a wide gesture with her hands. ‘Oh, and didn’t she love this little garden! The very first time you brought her home, you spent the whole evening, talking and laughing and making plans, here on this very bench.’
Harry recalled every magical minute of it. ‘Like you say, Kathleen, she really was very special.’ His manner darkened. ‘And when she needed me most, I let her down.’
‘Maybe you did, but if Judy had not lied to you about her age, the whole sorry matter would never have happened.’ She called him to sit down beside her again, then announced: ‘I’m the one who should be sorry.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Because neither of you found it in your heart to trust me. If you’d come to me, I might have been able to find a solution.’
‘What solution, Kathleen?’ Harry was on his feet again. ‘I loved Judy more than I can say. I thought she loved me too, but how could she, if she was prepared to let me go on believing she was old enough to have a full relationship? She knew I could have been taken away by the authorities, and still she went on lying to me.’
He sat beside her. ‘She was fourteen,’ he groaned again. ‘Can you imagine how I felt when she told me that, and then, as if that wasn’t enough to contend with, she told me she was pregnant with my child!’
Even after all this time, he could still feel the horror of that night. ‘She said if her mother found out, she would kill us both! I know I should have reacted differently, but all I could think of was to get away. Oh, it wasn’t all about her parents, or the police. It was about Judy being so young, and the child.’
‘She told me that you gave her the money to pay for an illegal abortion.’
Harry was deeply ashamed. ‘I didn’t know what else to do, and she insisted it was for the best. But she was wrong. We both were.’
He walked to the window where he stood silent for a while. ‘Believe me, Kathleen.’ He turned to address her. ‘I swear I would give anything to turn the clock back.’
‘Sure, don’t I know that already?’ She had seen the regret in his face and in his voice whenever he mentioned Judy’s name. ‘It’s all in the past now. What’s done is done and can’t be undone. You went on to make a new life and so did Judy. Don’t punish yourself, Harry Boy. You need to remember, you were not alone in making the situation. So, please, listen to me.’
She tugged at his sleeve. ‘If you don’t let the bad memories go, son, they could well destroy you.’
He gave a harsh laugh. ‘You could be right.’
‘Don’t forget, you have the boy to think of. Moreover, from what I’ve learned of Sara, she would not