Mine. J.L. Butler
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tried to imagine Donna living around here. Of course, I knew what she looked like – a Google search after my first meeting with Martin had thrown up a few images. Donna at the Serpentine party, at a photographic exhibition: long dark-blonde hair, wide cat-like eyes, a crisp defiance around the mouth. She did not look like an artist, she looked like a Chelsea wife, she looked as if she did not belong in Spitalfields. But Martin didn’t either.
‘You like living near Jack the Ripper’s stomping ground?’ I said, trying to lighten the tone.
‘Now you’re making me feel weird.’
‘Well, you said it.’
‘I meant the atmosphere, the Hawksmoor churches, the history.’
‘You old romantic,’ I teased.
We looked at each other and it was as if we could not tear our gaze away from one another. I felt our fingertips touch on the soft upholstery of the back seat, and the sweet shock of his touch made me stop breathing for a moment. I didn’t pull away and Martin leant forward towards the driver, as if he had read my mind.
‘Spitalfields first. Is that all right?’
He looked at me for approval but I didn’t need to say anything. He took my hand and it seemed the most natural thing in the world, the thing I had wanted, I realized, since that first meeting at Burgess Court. We turned away from each other, our eyes trailing out of opposite windows. The taxi seemed to speed up and the shimmer of danger was palpable.
Spitalfields was London in microcosm, a strange organic meld of the ancient and the space age, jagged silver-and-glass rocket ships pointing to the heavens, next to crumbled, soot-stained tenements, unchanged since the Ripper stalked through the fog. But the grasping crawl of gentrification was everywhere you looked: old wholesalers turned into hip Mexican cafés, neon cacti hammered into their two-hundred-year-old facades, an artisan weavers’ loft turned rabbit-hutch studios for jewellers, DJs and web gurus. Even on a cold night, young clubbers were roaming the streets, looking for craft beer and the elusive scene.
Not everywhere was touched by progress, however. Martin’s building was located just behind Hawksmoor’s glowing white slab of Christ Church, a stone’s throw from the iron marquee of Spitalfields Market. Somehow this pocket of old London had survived the Luftwaffe and the developers, a time capsule of narrow cobbled streets lined with black railings and glowing faux-gas lamps. Sandwiched between thin Georgian terraces with walk-up steps and brass knockers, it was an old warehouse conversion that still bore the name of its former occupants – W.H. Miller and Co carved in a sandstone pelmet around the roof. It looked new yet old, like a Dickensian film set; I half-expected Patrick Stewart dressed as Scrooge to come out, or a horde of urchins to appear behind the gaslight singing ‘Who Will Buy?’
The taxi stopped and Martin paid the driver. There was no discussion about whether it would continue its journey to Islington. I simply got out of the car.
The street was deserted, but even so, I looked around to make sure no one could see me. Not on this street, with the dim yellow light and the tall windows covered with shutters. No one here but ghosts.
Martin took my wet tote and pushed a key into the door. The cavernous atrium was dark with the same manicured, industrial feel – exposed brickwork and steel beams – as the exterior of the building.
‘Top floor,’ he said as he led me towards an old-fashioned lift built for cargo. The noise of my heels, clicking across the concrete floors, echoed around the building. The iron grille clanked shut and the lift stuttered into motion. The light was low in the lift. In a film this would be the part where we would start kissing, fucking. He would press me against the cold steel walls, hold my arms above my head and lift up my skirt. Instead we stood there in restrained silence until the lift stopped six storeys up.
‘This way,’ he said, but there was only one door for the whole top floor.
He let me enter the apartment first, then closed the door behind him. It was dark inside but light seeped in through a bank of arched floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out on the City. The hall, empty except for an expensive looking racing bike, led to a cavernous and sparse space, like a New York loft, with big sofas and a dining table that seated at least twelve. The pale walls were lined with art but I could see little in the way of personal knick-knacks – no photographs or other clues about who he was or what he liked. It reminded me of a very expensive hotel suite – an idea I found seductive.
‘Look at that,’ I whispered, dazzled by the torpedo-shaped tip of the Gherkin.
I turned round and watched Martin take off his coat. We stood there motionless for a few moments, our eyes not leaving each other’s, and then he moved towards me. My heart was racing. If I was briefly nervous that someone could see us through those big, big windows, then that fleeting unease was forgotten when he was so close I could hear the sound of his breath.
‘You’re wet.’
‘I know,’ I whispered.
He took my face between his hands and stroked my damp cheek with his thumb.
His fingers trailed down towards my neck, my shoulders until he gently held the tops of my arms.
‘You should take this off.’
He turned me round, slowly, carefully, as if it was happening in slow motion, and helped me take off my coat.
I closed my eyes and shut out the view. He was standing behind me now. I could feel the starchiness of his shirt against the thin silk of my blouse. He pushed my hair over my left shoulder and I could feel his warm breath, then his lips on the soft skin at the back of my neck. I tilted my head to one side and inhaled through my nose so that I made a soft shudder of satisfaction.
Perhaps he took that sound as approval to proceed. I wanted him to. I wanted him to unzip the back of my skirt and let it fall to the ground. I wanted his hands to wander down the curves of my body, over my waist, my hips, until they stopped at the bare expanse of thigh above my stocking tops. I wanted him.
His fingers moved to the waistband of his trousers and I heard him unbutton his belt. The leather sprang back against the small of my back like a short, sharp slap. I started undoing the buttons of my blouse until the fabric fell open and I felt the cool air on my skin. He pushed the blouse off my shoulder and kissed the smooth scoop as if he were tasting me. And when the blouse slipped off with little resistance, I turned around and we had just enough distance between us for him to observe me. Naked, except for my bra, thong, hold-ups and heels. I saw him smile, a small curve of the right-hand side of his mouth, and I felt turned on, not just by the thought of what was to come, but by the way I had made him feel. My power over him.
Part of me knew that we would end up like this from the moment I had first seen him. From the second I had burnt my hand and he had put the napkin over my flesh.
We were on the sofa now, leaving a trail of clothes and underwear behind us. He sat down and took my hand, pulling me towards him until I straddled him. His eyes closed and my fingers trailed the soft hair on his chest, lower and lower until I took his cock and teased it into me. I had not had sex for some time but I knew what I was doing and I could see the pleasure on his face.
For a second I thought about Vivienne McKenzie and David Gilbert, imagined what they would say if they could see us like this. But the heat flooding my cheeks was not a rush of shame but of burning desire, an urgent need to feel him deeper and deeper inside me.
I rotated my hips around him and arched my back. He cupped my breast with his one hand and leant forward to draw it between his lips. He teased my nipple with his tongue, playing with it, biting it softly, sweetly at first, then harder until I screamed out loud. There was not enough space around us for our need, our desire. We fell on to the floor and somewhere I registered a soft burn of carpet fibre against my skin, but it was forgotten as his hands were in my hair, his hungry mouth devouring my lips, my cheeks, the lobes of my ears. He was on top of me now. One hand pushed my legs wider apart and I could hardly breathe. I started to gasp as the pressure built. Heat radiated from my core. I cried out, my fingernails digging into his skin,