Sunshine at Daisy’s Guesthouse. Lottie Phillips
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‘Lisa, I’m so happy for you that your size ten self fits so wonderfully well in jeans from the normal Levi’s section, but if you wouldn’t mind helping me remove my cargo ship ass from these ones, I’d be so grateful.’
Eventually, Lisa could be heard moving her curtain across and then she shimmied into Daisy’s changing area. Lisa, looking amazing in her straight jeans and bra, took one look at her friend and burst into laughter, quickly righting herself when she saw tears in Daisy’s eyes.
‘Oh, Daisy, I’m sorry.’ She gulped. ‘I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. You’re beautiful.’
‘No.’ Daisy waved it off. ‘It’s all this. I can’t do it. I’ve lost me. Does that make any sense?’
Lisa nodded. ‘I thought it might make you feel better.’ She paused. ‘You know, getting out and going shopping.’ She hung her head. ‘I’m sorry.’
Daisy brushed her tears away and conjured up a smile. She didn’t want to make Lisa feel bad. She knew it had been well over a year, surely she was meant to be feeling better by now? Hugh would have thought up some mathematical equation in which someone’s spouse dies and the point at which they should start to feel normal, even happy.
Lisa sat on the floor now, gently tugging at the jeans, but they wouldn’t budge.
‘You’re going to have to pull harder,’ Daisy instructed, and an image popped into her mind of her mother telling her the very same thing when she had often tried, but failed, to get the cows onto the transporter.
‘I’m like a heffer,’ Daisy said and Lisa bit her lip, trying not to laugh. ‘I’m like a heffer in jeans. Now that would sell. I must remember to phone Levi’s marketing deparment.’ Lisa, now in a leaning-back position, as if readying herself for tug-of-war, pulled harder and harder on the jeans until they eventually broke free, sending Lisa cascading through the curtain and into the seating area (for bored men).
Lisa could be heard apologising to a man for landing at his feet.
‘Bet you thought all your dreams had come true!’ she said in a singsong voice and backed herself through the curtain. She and Daisy both fell about in fits of laughter.
After a few minutes of laughing so hard that they were almost silent except for the odd painful squeak – their stomachs threatening to turn to six-packs from the pain – they got a grip. Well, not quite. Daisy wiped her eyes and realised she was doing a laugh-cry.
Lisa wordlessly took her into a firm hug and stroked her hair. ‘Daisy, I’m sorry. This was a bad idea. I just thought it was time you had some fun.’
‘It has been fun,’ Daisy said. ‘I haven’t laughed like that for months. I’m just a bit of a wreck. One minute laughing, the next minute crying.’ She paused. ‘It’s like being a pregnant woman. I imagine it is, anyway.’
They left the store, Lisa carrying her new jeans, and Daisy grateful for her free-flowing wide leg trousers. Who wanted to be contained in skinnies anyway?
‘Coffee? Cake?’ Daisy suggested.
‘Absolutely.’ Lisa nodded and they headed to one of the mall’s central coffee bars.
‘I’ll get them in,’ Daisy said. ‘You find us a table.’
Daisy eyed up all the cakes, the last hour’s events already being purged from her mind, and she chose a large slice of chocolate for the whippet-like Lisa (life was unfair) and she went for the carrot cake (there had to be at least one or two of her five-a-day in there).
Once they were both ensconced in a corner, Lisa turned to her friend. ‘Listen, I’m worried about you. I don’t think it’s healthy you living alone in that enormous house.’ She softened. ‘I mean… you know, you need to…’
‘Move on?’ Daisy arched a brow.
‘Well, no, not move on. That sounds so harsh. I just mean it might help you to recover if you moved away from the house, sold it perhaps.’ Lisa refused to make eye contact, her gaze fixed on her fork stabbing at the cake.
‘Lisa.’
‘Yes?’ She eventually looked up, like a naughty school child waiting for their punishment.
‘Lisa,’ Daisy repeated, ‘Hugh died over a year ago of cancer. Now, don’t get me wrong, yes, I knew it had been coming for over two years so some might argue I’m not in shock, I should bounce back faster.’ She paused, a lump rising in her throat. ‘Only, it doesn’t work like that.’ A tear slid down her cheek. ‘Knowing he was going to die for two years built the whole thing up in my head.’ She looked at her cake and pushed it away, suddenly losing her appetite. ‘Because after he had been diagnosed and stubbornly refused all treatment, I thought that every day he lived, maybe he wouldn’t die from cancer. I was so angry with him, so angry for refusing treatment. There’s a time and a place for pig-headedness I used to tell him, and that wasn’t it. Sometimes I thought that maybe—’ she gave a short, self-conscious laugh ‘—maybe they had got it wrong. Then, on the other hand, I knew it would get him eventually and so every day he was still here, I realised how much I would miss everything he brings…’ She gave a slight shake to her head, and corrected herself. ‘Brought to my life.’
Lisa nodded, her own eyes welling, and put her fork down. ‘I know, I’m sorry.’
‘So I guess I’m trying to get over three years’ worth of grieving, does that make sense?’ She paused though, knowing she was being untrue to herself. ‘I know that Hugh and I had our problems. We loved each other passionately but he could be controlling.’ She nodded. ‘Like he wanted me all to himself. Which is why…’ She looked at her friend and blushed. ‘Do you think it’s wrong that I feel kind of like I want to move on already? Like I want to meet someone? I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel like that but I would love to be in a care-free relationship… but then a part of me thinks I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy again, does that make sense?’
‘Yes.’ Lisa nodded. ‘It does, which is why I just thought if you didn’t live in that house, that maybe you could try and build new memories.’
Daisy shifted irritably. ‘I don’t want to build new memories, Lisa. I am very happy with the old ones.’ She bit her lip. ‘Most of them.’ She thought about her twenty-year marriage. ‘It was all-consuming, our marriage, filled with passion but I’ve now woken up to its faults too.’
‘Look, I’m just looking out for you but, of course, you know best.’
‘I know.’ Daisy smiled gratefully. ‘And I’ve thought about it more and more, I think I’m ready to move on. I think I need to move on.’
Daisy looked at the next table. A man and woman had chosen to sit side by side, instead of opposite one another, and they were holding hands, laughing at something on his phone. Their easiness and happiness sent a pain through her heart. She didn’t want to be the woman who grew old, begrudging other people their lives. Her friends had all done so much for her since Hugh closed his eyes for that final time in January last year. He had died at home, and she had luckily been by his side, only because her gut instinct had told her not to go and visit her mother that day. She had been all ready for her bi-weekly coffee with Mum but a feeling of unease had gnawed at her, forcing her to cancel her plans.
Her phone buzzed, snapping her out of her thoughts and she fished it out of her bag. The screen saver was a picture of Hugh in Amsterdam back in 1997, just before he proposed. He had his arms up in a ‘ta-dah’ kind of a way.
She looked up and caught Lisa staring at it. No words were exchanged but she knew what Lisa was thinking. Until she made some changes, she wasn’t going to live her life again. And that probably included uploading a different screensaver. Maybe Lisa would be happier if she put up a picture of a flower or a puppy.
It was a text message from James, her and Hugh’s best friend. Her heart lifted. She enjoyed any contact with their