Damaged. Cathy Glass
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her head with her fists, I knelt down behind her and took hold of her arms, crossing them in front of her body. She was still screaming, and her legs were thrashing, but with her arms enfolded she couldn’t harm herself or me. I held her close, so that her back was resting against my chest. The screaming and thrashing reached a peak, and then eventually subsided. I waited patiently until she was calm, then slowly relaxed my hold.
‘OK?’ I asked gently, before I finally let go.
She nodded, and I turned her round to face me. We were both still on the floor. Her cheeks were red and blotchy, and she looked surprised, probably because I’d managed her anger, rather than fleeing for safety into another room. A moment later I helped her up, then took her into the kitchen, where I sponged her face and gave her a drink. She was calm now, calmer than I’d seen her since she first arrived. I hoped she’d got something out of her system.
Paula reappeared in the kitchen. ‘Jodie, would you like to do a jigsaw puzzle with me?’ she asked casually.
‘That’s a lovely idea,’ I said, amazed at Paula’s resilience and generosity. She understood that Jodie’s violent behaviour wasn’t directed at her personally; Jodie wanted to strike out at the whole world because she was hurting so much, and whoever was standing in her way would bear the brunt of her pain. Paula could sense this, and was prepared to forget and offer friendship and time. I was very proud of her.
‘Shall we go to the cupboard and choose one?’ Paula asked.
We found a jigsaw and went through to the lounge, where Paula and Jodie settled down to assemble the puzzle. I left them to it and returned to the kitchen to prepare lunch. I could hear Paula suggesting where the pieces should go, and Jodie replying, ‘That’s it, my girl. You can do it.’ She was like a little old woman, but at least she was relating to Paula in a positive way.
With her short attention span, it didn’t take long for Jodie to become bored, so Paula laid out some paper on the kitchen table, and tried to help her paint, while I made a cup of tea. Jodie could barely grip the paintbrush, and couldn’t grasp the concept of painting a picture ‘of ’ something.
‘What’s that you’re painting, Jodie?’ Paula asked.
‘Dark.’
‘Is it a sheep, or a horse? That looks a bit like a big horse.’
Jodie didn’t respond, intent on her clumsy project.
‘Maybe you could paint the sky with this nice blue?’
‘No. Black,’ Jodie said.
Despite Paula’s encouragement, Jodie continued to paint nothing but large, dark splodges, with no interest in the other colours, and no apparent desire for the paintings to represent anything. I’d seen this before; children who have been abused and are hurting sometimes only use very dark colours. It’s as if their senses have shut down and they don’t notice anything about the world around them, so they don’t see colours and shapes in the same way normal children do.
We ate lunch in relative calm, although it felt more like dinner to me, having been up for so long. The peace lasted into the afternoon, and I thought now would be a good time to take the photograph of Jodie that was required for the Social Services’ records. I fetched my camera, and explained to Jodie why I was taking it.
‘Is it all right to take your picture, sweet?’ I asked. It was important to give Jodie as much control as possible, to increase her feeling of stability and security.
She shrugged, which I decided to take as consent. Paula moved to one side, so I had just Jodie in the picture. I looked through the lens, and framed her head and shoulders against the wall, centring her in the viewfinder.
‘You can smile, Jodie,’ I said. She was looking very stern.
I saw her mouth pucker to a sheepish grin, then an arm came up, and she disappeared from view. ‘Very funny, Jodie. Come on, stand still.’ I was still looking through the lens. Then her other arm came up, and with it her jumper.
I lowered the camera. ‘Jodie, what are you doing?’
‘Taking off my clothes.’
‘Why?’ asked Paula, and quickly pulled Jodie’s top back into place.
She didn’t answer. She was staring at me, but not scowling, so I quickly took the photograph and closed the camera. ‘Jodie, we don’t normally take our clothes off for a photograph,’ I said. ‘Why did you do that?’
She took a piece of the jigsaw and tried to place it. ‘Want to,’ she said, lowering her voice. ‘Want to. My clothes.’
‘I know, sweet, but why take them off for a photograph? I didn’t ask you to.’
She turned to Paula. ‘You helping, girl, or not?’
I smiled at Paula, and nodded for her to continue. I went over to my filing cabinet under the stairs and unlocked it. I wasn’t going to jump to conclusions about Jodie’s behaviour, but I had to make a note of it in the log. I took out the desk diary that the fostering agency had supplied and settled down to write everything that had happened so far. The ‘log’ is a daily record of a child’s progress, and is something that all foster carers keep. It is used to update the social workers and to monitor the child’s progress, and it’s sometimes used as evidence during care proceedings in court. I was assiduous about keeping it up to date because I knew only too well how one incident could blend into another and how disturbed nights could all seem the same after a while. Detail was important: only with careful notes could a pattern of behaviour start to emerge. I made a note of exactly what had happened: the self-harming in the night and the strange detachment; the lashing out at other people and violent tantrums marked by Jodie’s desire to hurt herself; and this strange and unsettling response to having her photograph taken. Why had she started to take her clothes off?
I was resolute that I would not rush into any hasty judgements. I needed to accept Jodie exactly as she was for the time being and then see what came from the pattern of her behaviour. I was uneasy, though, and also found it cathartic to be able to put it down on paper.
With the other two out for the day, Paula and I took it in turns to entertain Jodie throughout the afternoon, but despite this, and for no apparent reason, she threw another full-scale tantrum. I allowed her to continue for a few minutes, hoping it would run its course. When it didn’t, and the high-pitched screaming became intolerable, I enfolded her in my arms as I had before, until she had calmed down. Later, I made another note of Jodie’s erratic behaviour in the log. I was doing a lot of writing.
Our first weekend with Jodie was an exhausting and disturbing experience. Although none of us said anything, it was obvious that we were all thinking the same thing. But it was early days and we all knew from experience that children can settle down after an initial bout of odd behaviour.
‘She’s a very troubled child,’ I said to Jill when she phoned the following Monday to see how things were going. I told her about the self-harming and the violent and aggressive tantrums.
‘Yes, that is bad,’ said Jill. ‘It’s very disturbed behaviour, particularly in such a young child. Do you think you can cope with her?’
‘I’m determined to try,’ I said. ‘She’s hardly been here five minutes. I want to give her as much of a chance as possible. Besides, we knew she was not going to be easy from the start so we can’t be surprised if she’s a handful at first. I’m keeping detailed notes of everything that happens, though.’
‘Good. We’ll just have to monitor it and see how it goes. You’re definitely the best person she could possibly be with, so as long as you’re happy, I know she’s in safe hands.’
I listened out for Jodie – she was occupied watching a Tiny Tots video – and then went through my log for Jill, trying to think of something positive to say. ‘She eats well. Actually, she gorges. I’m having to limit her intake. She nearly made herself sick yesterday. Apart from a healthy appetite, she doesn’t have much else going for her at present,