Just Friends To . . . Just Married. Renee Roszel
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“I was being generous. It’s more like fifty.”
“Ah, the truth,” he said, without smiling. “Doesn’t that feel better?”
“I’ll have to get back to you on that.” She lifted the tin in his direction, as though it was imperative that he benefit from their life-enhancing sustenance. “I bet you haven’t eaten.”
“Wrong.” He lifted his insulated mug.
She wrinkled her nose. To her, caffeine was poison. “You need a muffin. Did you even shave?”
He thought he had but he felt his jaw to verify. Instead of smooth skin he detected definite stubble. “Damn. I guess not.”
She set down the tin. “I’ve never seen you with a 6:30 a.m. shadow before.” Pausing, she assessed his new look, then shook her head. “I have to say, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being fantabulous, I give it a minus one thousand.”
“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow at her barbed assessment. “When you make up your mind about how you really feel, don’t hesitate to tell me.” He picked up a muffin and took a bite. For health-nut food, it was actually good.
“So what brings you here at daybreak with us workaholics? Or are you coming down off an all-night bender? Maybe you spent the night in jail for speeding around in that British playtoy you drive?” She eyed him critically as he finished the muffin and downed the rest of his coffee. “On third thought, after I left you at dinner last night, did our client, Derk, drug your coffee and have his way with you in the alley?”
Jax didn’t have to work hard to show aggravation. Frustrated and tired, he was in no mood for jokes. “A comedienne you’re not.”
She sat back in her jade-green leather chair and clamped her hands on the padded arms. “Okay, you tell me what brought you in here at this hour, looking like a hit-and-run victim?”
She didn’t know how painfully close to the truth her comparison came. Characterizing Kim’s connection to Jax as hit-and-run was horribly precise.
He propped a hip on the corner of Tracy’s desk, and broke eye contact to gaze unseeing out of the window. He glanced down at Lake Shore Drive. Bumper to bumper traffic snaked along as the morning rush hour kicked into gear. His gaze drifted across the greenbelt of parkland and trees to Lake Michigan, sparkling in the morning sun like a placid, inland ocean. “Kim’s here,” he said simply.
A silence filled the room that was so profound it had the effect of a shrill, protracted scream. Tracy remained uncharacteristically mute for a long time. Though their partnership started after he’d last seen Kim, Tracy knew about her—of her acceptance of him when others thought he was weird. Of her generosity, her warmth and her easy laughter that could brighten even the most awkward and alienated geek’s gloom.
Tracy knew being with Kim was like being home, to Jax. She also knew, with every date Jax went on with another woman, he tried to wash a bit more of Kim’s memory from his heart. Kim had been the warmth in his life, a warmth he still struggled to learn to live without.
“Oh,” she finally said. Right now he wished he’d never told Tracy about Kim. Hearing pity in her voice made him cringe. After another drawn-out silence, she asked, “Why now? After all this time when you’d almost…” She didn’t go on, but he knew what she meant. When he’d almost broken free of the hold she had over him.
He returned his attention to her face. She looked so sad for him he felt a tug of compassion and tried to shrug it off. “The usual. Another broken heart.”
“And you’re supposed to fix it,” Tracy said.
He grinned with bitter irony. “When she says she needs her Jax Fix, she’s usually talking about a heart overhaul.”
“Lord!” Tracy bent over and bumped her head on the legal pad, a prime theatrical bit. With her face on her desk, she covered the top of her head with her hands. “Now that I’ve heard everything, I might as well croak.”
He looked out of the window again, then back at his partner, so dramatically overwhelmed. “It’s what she needs,” he said quietly.
Tracy rolled to her cheek and frowned at him from her desktop-view. “What about your needs, Jax?” She sat up and lay her hands flat on the desk. “You’ve told me enough that I know it kills you to be with her, yet—not be…”
He appreciated her loyalty and sensitivity and reached over the muffin tin to lay his hand across hers. “You’re a good friend, Trace. And it is hard, but…” How did he put into words the horror that squeezed his heart at the thought of never seeing her again. Being with her was hell, but all the years he’d been without her had been worse. At a loss, he shrugged. “It’s complicated.”
Tracy snorted. “If I had one measly dollar for every time I’ve heard that pruney old cliché from a friend in a one-sided relationship, my household staff would consist of France. ”
He squeezed her fingers and kidded, “Instead you can only afford to employ the population of little old Nebraska.”
She smirked. “Okay, laugh it off. But clearly the matter of our success doesn’t solve life’s problems because you—who could actually afford to employ all of France—look like you just clocked off a gritty, all-night shift in hell.”
He stood up. “Then I’d better go shave.”
“That would be a start, since looking the way you do, you’d scare the hirelings.” She flicked her wrist over to check her gold watch. “Speaking of whom, a few early birds will be arriving very soon.”
He nodded. “Point taken.”
As he walked away, she said, “I worry that she’s using you.”
“Don’t worry about me, Trace.” He left her office and headed toward his.
More than anything in the world, he wished Tracy’s impassioned misconception of Kim were true. If she really were that selfish, using him to salve her ego, he could make quick work of ridding himself of her. But she wasn’t, and deep down Tracy knew it. She knew Jax well enough to know he didn’t suffer fools or false friends easily.
Kim was one of the most giving people he’d ever known. She simply took their closeness for granted, like breathing. If anybody deserved to be blamed, he did. It wasn’t Kim’s fault that he didn’t have the guts or the heart to tell her how much her visits hurt. Being highly sensitive she would be wounded beyond repair to discover that the faintest touch of her hand could bloody his heart.
Kim heard the garage door open and knew Jax was back. That morning she was disappointed to find him gone. She’d hoped they could chat over breakfast. Last night she spent a lot of pent up energy going through his cabinets, planning a breakfast of veggie omelets, whole wheat muffins and her famous strawberry-banana smoothies. Hopefully tomorrow she could coax him to stay later, let her fix him breakfast, since he obviously consumed nothing this morning but coffee. She knew he had a busy life and she didn’t want to impose. Just because she had a little free time and a broken heart was no excuse.
But he was home now and she planned to make herself useful. He was wonderful to let her show up out of the blue, so she wanted to make her time there as pleasant for him as she could. Tonight they’d have taco salads a la Kim. She checked herself in the mirror over the dining room buffet then fluffed her hair and the neck ruffle of her silk blouse. She was almost as excited to see Jax as she had been to see Perry. For different reasons, of course. Jax wasn’t her lover. He was more important than a lover. He was, well, Jax.
She could hear footfalls on the back stairs that led up from his garage. When he came into the kitchen, she positioned herself in front of the kitchen table, arms wide. “Well, give, Jaxon! I’m starved. Lets get going on those taco salads.”
He carried a brown bag in each arm. “It’s good to see you, too,” he said, his smile half-cast.
She