Our Fragile Hearts. Buffy Andrews
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department store and begged her to buy you for me. My best friend, June, has a diary and I wanted one, too. It seems like every girl should have a diary, a place to share our secrets. I’ll have to keep you locked and hidden because Mother is nosey and sometimes goes through my things. I wish I had a brother or sister, someone else to share the burden of having a mother such as mine. She never lets me do anything. I’m the only girl I know who can’t date until she’s eighteen. But I have a plan. I’m going to sneak out of the house and meet June and Henry, who will park down the street and around the corner. Henry is June’s boyfriend. He’s a senior in prep school. Henry’s bringing a friend. My first date! I’ll let you know how it goes. I wonder if he’ll kiss me. I’ve never been kissed.
Love, Mary Katherine
I closed my tired eyes. I’d never forgotten the first time I saw Teddy. He wore a leather jacket, white T-shirt and jeans. And he was smoking. Chesterfields, I think. My heart fluttered just remembering the blind date. We went to the drive-in to see The King and I. Teddy and I sat in the back seat and he put his arm around me. He whispered in my ear and told me to relax. When I saw June put her head on Henry’s shoulder, I put mine on Teddy’s. It felt nice.
When Henry dropped June and I off, Teddy got out of the car. I remember standing on my tiptoes and stretching up and him leaning down. And then we kissed. I will never forget my first kiss and the way it made me feel like I was being tickled from the inside.
I flipped through the entries, reading no one in particular.
July 24, 1956
Dear Diary,
Mother and Father went to see Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis at the Copacabana Club so Teddy came to the house and picked me up in his T-bird. We went to the malt shop and Teddy bought me a vanilla shake. Then we drove around and Teddy took me to Lovers’ Point. We kissed. A lot. I like kissing Teddy, but I think he wants to do more. He started to unbutton my blouse but I stopped him. I’ll have to ask June what to do.
Love, Mary Katherine
August 4, 1956
Dear Diary,
I love Elvis’s new song, “Hound Dog.” Mother and Father don’t like his music. They prefer listening to Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald or Doris Day. Mother won’t stop singing “Que Sera, Sera.”
I didn’t get to see Teddy for a couple of days because he went with his parents to visit relatives in Maine. But he’s coming back tomorrow and I can’t wait. I might let him take my blouse off if he still wants to.
Love, Mary Katherine
August 22, 1956
Dear Diary,
Father and Mother are celebrating President Eisenhower and Vice President Nixon’s nomination for a second term in office. It’s all so boring if you ask me. Who cares about the Republican National Convention anyway? I’d much rather think about Teddy.
Love, Mary Katherine
September 9, 1956
Dear Diary,
June and I watched Elvis on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” When he sang “Love Me Tender” I thought I was going faint.
Mother walked in while he was performing “Ready Teddy” and yelled for Father. They were outraged by the way Elvis shook his hips, but June and I liked it.
I can’t wait until tomorrow. Teddy and I are going to our special place. It’s so special that I can’t even tell you. It’s tippy top secret. I talked to June and I think I’m ready to go the whole way with Teddy. I know he wants to even though he said he’ll wait. But he’s headed back to school and I don’t want to wait any longer. I just hope it doesn’t hurt like June said.
Love, Mary Katherine
I closed my diary and leaned back on the easy chair. I closed my eyes and pictured my and Teddy’s special place. It was in an abandoned cabin in the woods. Teddy was so gentle and made me feel so special. And even though it hurt, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. I lay in his arms a long time afterward and we talked about our dreams.
“So what do you want to be when you grow up?” I had asked.
He kissed the top of my head. “Your husband.”
I sat up and leaned down until I was staring him in the face. “Do you mean that?”
He lifted his head and kissed me. “Of course I mean it. You know I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m crazy about you.”
I smiled and we kissed some more.
I lay back down. “So, besides my husband, what do you want to be?”
“Maybe a lawyer.”
“I hate lawyers,” I spit out.
“That’s only because your father is a lawyer and you hate him.”
“True. But I could never hate you.”
“So, what do you want to be, Mary?”
“A mother. I’ve always wanted to have lots of children. Five or six.”
“Five or six? That’s a lot of children. How about three? Maybe I’ll let you talk me into four.”
Teddy and I had agreed on four children that night and he never learned, as far as I knew, that I had one of them.
Rachel
After I left Howard’s house, I stopped by the cleaning agency to ask for more work. I figured I could fit in another job and sort of hoped that maybe I could find someone to replace Howard. Cleaning his bathroom made me want to vomit. He’d left a pile of yellowed toenail clippings by the toilet, which looked like it hadn’t been flushed in days.
“One just came in,” Annie said. “An older woman. She sounded really nice. Said cleaning her house is just getting to be too much for her.”
Annie wrote down the information and handed the slip of paper to me. I looked at the name and address she’d written. “Mary McAlaster. Three forty-five Berkshire Drive.” I looked at Annie. “Isn’t this that ritzy area on top of the hill across from the college?”
Annie smiled. “Yes. Those homes are big so probably count on a full day.”
I left the agency and stopped at Jack’s Bar. I’d promised Claire I’d drop off the dress she’d let me borrow back when I actually had a life and went on dates. The Before Piper era. I figured I’d see Nick. He usually stopped in for Wednesday’s wing special before heading to his second-shift job at the Harley plant. He built motorcycles and loved riding them. He promised to take me for a ride, but that was before Piper came into my life and turned it upside down. I didn’t blame her, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of resentment.
The bar, located in the neighborhood where I used to live, had its regulars. Nick, a few years older than me, was one of them. I missed bartending at Jack’s. The bar, with its exposed brick walls and creaky wooden floor, wasn’t much to look at but it had a charm all its own. Despite feeling like I was working in a cave, with its lack of natural light, I’d spent more time at Jack’s than I had anywhere else, except college, in the past two years. I was grateful that when I needed a job, Jack had given me one. And he always worked around my class schedule.
As soon as I walked in the door, I saw Nick in his usual seat chewing