CAECILIUS AND HIS FAMILY

      Now, back in Roman Times there lived a fat merchant by the name of Caecilius Maximus Panini. Caecilius was so fat that he looked a bit like a large football with a face on top, and this is what the name ‘Caecilius’ means: large football with a face on top. Caecilius had a lovely wife called Vesuvius, which means ‘Woman married to a guy who looks like a large football with a face on top’. And he had a little son called Filius, which means ‘Filius’. Filius was ten years old, or as the Romans said, he was X years old. The Romans were always using letters instead of numbers and do you know why? It was because they were very stupid people indeed.

      Now, not only was Caecilius a fat merchant – he was a fart merchant too. You see, like many businessmen of that time, Caecilius was in the fart trade. He would buy farts down the market on a Friderificus morning for two buzzle-swuzzles each (buzzle-swuzzles were the names of the coins in those days), and then on Saturanium – yes, the very next day! – he’d return to the market and sell them back to the same people he’d just bought them off – but this time for five buzzle-swuzzles each.

      In this way, Caecilius had grown immensely rich. And he now had over thirty thousand buzzle-swuzzles in the bank. Thirty