Future Ratboy and the Invasion of the Nom Noms. Jim Smith
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Probably the best thing about getting zapped millions of years into the future and turned into a superhero rat is that I don’t have to go to school any more. (Kids don’t go to school in the future.)
‘What’ve you got planned for today, kiddywinkles?’ said Bunny one mornkeels, peering out the window at Shnozville High Street.
I was sitting in Bunny Deli with my best friends Twoface, Jamjar and Splorg. Oh yeah, and my sidekick Not Bird too.
‘Oh not much, probably just gonna hang around here eating cheesebleurghers,’ said Splorg.
A cheesebleurgher is a cheeseburger that goes ‘BLEURGH!’ when you bite into it, by the way.
‘Good idea, Splorgy Baby!’ said Twoface, his two faces grinning. ‘Four Cheesebleurgher Meal Deals for me and my pals please, Malcolm!’ he shouted.
‘Coming right up!’ said Malcolm, the official Bunny Deli Smellnu, and four Cheesebleurgher Meal Deals fizzled to life in front of our eyes.
A Smellnu is a floating menu, invented by Jamjar. It lets you smell the things that’re on it, in case you didn’t know.
Oh yeah, and a Cheesebleurgher Meal Deal is a cheesebleurgher, a packet of zigzaggedy-shaped chips and a cup of whatever drink you were thinking of at the exact billisecond the meal fizzled to life.
Jamjar sniffed her drink.
‘YUCK, Hedgehog Cola! Why do I ALWAYS think of Hedgehog Cola?’ she said, throwing her cup towards Dennis, the official Bunny Deli bin.
‘Ooh, I’ll have that!’ said Bunny, shooting one of her ten arms out and catching the Hedgehog Cola before it landed in Dennis.
‘Couldn’t do me a favour could you, gang?’ she said, sipping on the drink, and we all nodded but didn’t say anything, because our mouths were full of cheesebleurghers.
‘Here’s a list with a few bits I need from the shops,’ she smiled, and a glowing yellow square with scribbly writing on it floated up from the counter and hovered next to her face.
‘Ah, glad to see you’re using my latest invention, Bunny!’ smiled Jamjar. ‘The Floaty Note 6000!’
‘Ooh, it’s ever so useful!’ said Bunny, patting Jamjar on the head.
The shopping list wafted over to Twoface’s two faces, and he squinted his four eyes, trying to read what was on it.
‘What kind of boring old shopping list is that?’ said Twoface.
Bunny held all her fingers up and gave them a waggle. ‘You’d be surprised how quickly that stuff runs out when you’ve got ten hands, Twoface!’ she chuckled.
She took another sip of Hedgehog Cola and peered back out the window at Shnozville High Street. ‘Where IS everyone? It’s been quiet in here all morning.’
A car floated past while a dog did a hover-poo on the pavement. ‘I don’t know what’s going on,’ she said. ‘Nobody seems to want a Cheesebleurgher Meal Deal today . . .’
‘Apart from us, Bunny!’ I said to make her feel better. I took a sip on my avocado and felt-tip pen flavour soda, and the two little television aerials that’ve been sticking out of my head ever since I got zapped into the future did a wiggle.
The little black-and-white TV on my stomach started to fuzz and crackle, and Splorg peered at the screen.
‘YOINKS! What’s that weird-looking flying thing on your telly belly, Ratboy?’ said Splorg, and I looked down at my stomach.
A hairy pointy-toothed insecty rectangle about half the size of Not Bird was flying straight towards the screen, as if it was about to burst out of my belly.
‘Looks like something’s up!’ said Bunny, and I nodded, doing my superhero face, because whenever something flashes up on my telly belly, it means there’s trouble.
All of a sudden, a bitey-looking insecty rectangle exackeely the same size as the one on my telly belly flew straight through the door of Bunny Deli.
‘Hairy flying thing!’ blurted Splorg, who’s scared of hairy flying things. ‘Argh! Keep it away from me!’ He jumped out of his chair and ran into the little bathroom at the back of Bunny Deli. ‘Has it gone yet?’ he whimpered from behind the door.
The insect, which was pink and had a long curly nose, buzzed towards Jamjar’s nostrils and opened its mouth. ‘NOM NOM!’ it growled.
‘Arrrgh! Shoo, you annoying little beast!’ said Jamjar, waggling her five arms in the air. ‘Stop trying to bite my nose!’ She picked up a zigzaggedy chip and waved it like a sword.
The chip bonked the insect on the head and it twirled round, darting in the direction of Not Bird’s beak.
‘NOT!’ growled Not Bird, doing his scariest face, and the insect changed its mind, did a loop the loop and headed for the ratty full-stop blob on the end of MY nose.
‘Waaah, not my full-stop nose-blob!’ I cried, half trying to make everyone laugh, half a tiny bit scared the insect was about to bite it off.