Barry Loser: worst school trip ever!. Jim Smith
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‘But we’re eating the same thing, Des,’ I said in my older brother voice. ‘I’ve got a bowl of Crazy Caterpillars and so have you!’
Crazy Caterpillars are the keelest cereal in the whole wide world amen.
They first popped up in an episode of Future Ratboy, my favourite TV show. Then one day Feeko’s Supermarket started selling them in real life, which made me wee my pants with excitement when I found out.
‘Just swap bowls with him, Barry,’ said my dad, pressing the button on his brand new coffee machine, which started to whir.
‘But you never used to give in to me like that when I was little,’ I said, switching my bowl with Desmond’s in super slow motion.
‘I had more energy when there was only one of you,’ chuckled my dad, taking a sip of his disgusting drink.
I leaned over and switched the radio on.
screeched a voice out of the speaker.
A song by my dad’s favourite band, Frankie Teacup and the Saucers, started to play and my dad got up and wiggled his bum to the music.
‘Me no want moosik!’ shouted Desmond.
‘Say PLEASE, Desmond,’ I said, because that’s what my mum and dad had taught me to say.
‘Just turn the music off would you, Barry?’ sighed my mum. ‘I was up with Des all blooming night and I can’t take any more of his whining.’
‘What?!’ I said, clicking off the radio. ‘But he didn’t even say blooming please!’
‘Don’t say blooming, Barry,’ said my mum.
‘But you did!’ I said.
‘I’m a grown-up,’ said my mum.
‘So am I!’ I cried.
‘It’s not fair,’ I whimpered. ‘Desmond always gets everything his way!’
My dad chuckled. ‘Aren’t you off to Hokum City with school this morning, Barry?’ he asked.
‘Ooh that’s right, your big brother’s going on a very exciting trip today, Des!’ said my mum. ‘His teacher, Miss Spivak, got a new boyfriend who works at a big flashy TV studio in Hokum City and he’s organised for Barry’s class to see an exhibition about the history of television!’
I looked at Des, a string of drool dangling out of his mouth with a half-chomped Crazy Caterpillar hanging off the end of it.
‘Urgh, an exhibition about the history of telly,’ I groaned. ‘Sounds comperleeterly boring to me.’
‘Don’t be a grump Barry,’ said my dad. ‘It’ll be smashing!’
I carried on flipping through my magazine, imagining myself as a giant Barry robot stomping through the streets of Hokum City, smashing up cars and buildings.
And that’s when it happened.
There, in the background of a photo on page twenty-one of my Future Ratboy Fan Club Magazine, was the answer to my dreamypoos.
‘Oops, late for work!’ said my dad, slurping the rest of his coffee. He kissed us all on the ends of our noses and headed off to his boring job.
I stood up and stuffed my magazine into my rucksack. ‘Mum, Des, I think I might have just had the most brilliant and amazekeel idea ever!’ I said, doing an excitement blowoff and zooming out the front door.
‘This is gonna be the keelest day ever!’ I said nine hundred and ninety-nine seconds later. I was walking to school with my best friends – Bunky, and Nancy Verkenwerken.
I was in a much better mood now, partly because I’d got away from Des, but also because I was back where I belonged: being the leader of the Keel Gang.
‘But I thought we said that the history of telly exhibition sounded comperleeterly boring?’ said Bunky, looking all upset that I’d changed my mind since our phonekeel last night.
‘I think it’ll be interesting,’ said Nancy, pushing her glasses up her nose. ‘Plus I can’t wait to see all the skyscrapers in Hokum City!’
I smiled at Nancy, letting her have her turn to talk. That’s what it’s like being the leader of a gang – you’ve got to make sure everyone’s happy.
I twizzled round but carried on walking backwards so I was facing my two loserish best friends. ‘Do you two wanna hear something REALLY interestikeels?’ I said, and they both nodded.
We turned the corner and I tripped, tap-dancing backwards and landing bum-first inside a rubbish bin. Which sounds loserish, but is actukeely pretty keel.
‘Who do you think you are – Future Ratboy?’ sniggled Bunky, and I gave him a mini-salute, because in the Future Ratboy TV show, Ratboy gets zapped to the future inside his family’s bin.
‘Barry babes, that is NOT a good look for you!’ snortled a familikeelsly annoying voice, and I looked over to see Sharonella from my class at school.