How to Bake a New Beginning. Lucy Knott
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Dan had met Grandpa. It had been perfect. Seeing Dan and her grandpa get on and have their own little bromance had melted her heart. She hadn’t been able to put a finger on it at the time but looking back she understood that those small moments with Dan, those faint signs of butterflies in her stomach, they had led to the unusual feelings she was currently having for Dan. But she buried them deep as the cold made her shiver. The fireplace was void of any roaring fire. No one had put it on this evening: that was Grandpa’s job. In its place was just a miserable pile of black and dusty coal.
Her lips wobbled as her ears pricked up to the noises around her. She wasn’t quite certain how long she had been staring into the cold empty coals, but the stories it evoked were getting too much. Dan was supposed to see Grandpa again. Amanda took in a ragged breath.
She had heard Mum and Louisa go out for a walk a little while ago. Mum had said she needed the fresh air and Louisa couldn’t stand being in the house without Grandpa. Dad, Nanna and Sabrina were in the kitchen. She could hear them faintly, chatting over cups of coffee. With wobbling legs, she stood up taking the couch throw with her, in search of the phone. She didn’t have to search long as she found it on the table in the hallway, where Mum had been when she broke the news.
Picking it up she sat at the bottom of the stairs and wrapped the blanket round her legs while she leant against the wall. She glared at the phone for a second, her fingers trembling. The thought of breaking Dan’s heart with this news made her feel queasy, but he needed to know, and she needed him. She needed her best friend, her best friend who would know exactly what to say and do to make the world complete again. Though it was that needing him that over the past few months had started to scare her silly, she dialled Dan’s number.
After four rings, he answered, drums crashing in the background.
‘What’s up, baby girl? It’s been a while.’ The all too familiar raspy voice enveloped Amanda with warmth – a warmth that made the tears fall hard and heavy once again.
‘Amanda, Amanda, what’s wrong?’ Dan’s usually calm voice was now filled with concern. It pained Amanda, as she encouraged the words to come out of her mouth. She didn’t want him to worry about her. ‘You have to tell me what’s wrong. Are you OK?’ She heard him turn to the others and yell at them to stop all the noise. Dan didn’t yell.
‘Dan, Dan, he’s gone,’ she whispered into the phone, the tears still streaming, making her cough with their salty taste. She tugged at the blanket. The drums went quiet. She knew Dan must be busy with rehearsal, but he stayed with her. Amanda clutched the phone tight to her ear. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, but they didn’t need to. Dan let her grieve, not rushing her to speak or answer questions. He simply waited. He would always wait.
‘It doesn’t seem real,’ Amanda said, her words cracking as she finally spoke.
‘Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ Dan said. He was sniffling; he was crying too but trying to be strong for her. He was doing a better job of it than she had done for her mum and sisters. ‘I will be there in two days, OK?’
Amanda was quiet, trying her best to calm her breathing and listen to Dan’s words. Once they registered, she surprised herself by laughing through her sobs. She sat up, uncurling her back. ‘Don’t be daft – you’re busy. Sabrina was telling me you guys have so much to do before the album releases.’
‘You’re the one being daft if you think I’m going to stay away,’ Dan said, a little of his calmness back in check.
‘Dan, it’s OK. Really. I imagine it will only be a couple of days before we head to Italy, so it’s OK, really it is.’ Mum and the girls had talked about what would happen when either nonni passed, just to be prepared. Right now, Amanda felt as though she was far from prepared. Their nonni wanted to go back to Italy and they had all agreed. It would be a busy few days, but Amanda would see the plan through and make sure her grandpa got his wish.
Though hearing Dan’s voice had lightened her heavy heart somewhat, him being next to her was what she needed most, but she couldn’t allow that. He was busy. She couldn’t cry on his shoulder day after day when he had a band to worry about and his own family to think about. It wasn’t fair.
‘Hey,’ Dan whispered softly, ‘be with your family now, baby girl. Go and sit with Nanna and laugh, just laugh and fill that house with memories of your grandpa. I know it will be hard but his memory lives through you now. He’s still there – you know he’s still there. You know how stubborn he is. He won’t ever leave you and I will be with you soon.’ Dan’s words caused Amanda to chuckle again. He was right, of course. Dan was always right. ‘And if you need me you call me, day or night; you just call me, OK?’
‘How are you always right?’ Amanda replied. Her heart rate quickened as Dan’s gentle laugh filled the line. She didn’t want him to go but she needed to be with her family; she needed to be strong for them. ‘I’ll talk to you soon, OK? And thank you, Dan, thank you.’
‘Love you, baby girl.’
***
The heavens had opened as Louisa frantically grabbed at her portfolio of designs, trying to keep it under the umbrella that was doing its utmost to escape her firm grip. A car whizzed past grazing the puddles that lined the pavement. She let out a sigh of relief. She needed to make the next bus before the weather grew worse. She quickened her pace as a strong gust of wind sent her umbrella twirling through the air. In the very same moment, a car flew past with no concern for pedestrians and sent a wave of water over her, soaking her and her precious portfolio through. It was just her luck today.
By the time she walked through the door of her student accommodation, Louisa was drenched, her work ruined and her heart heavy. Throwing her dripping shoes and sodden bags to the side she went in search of food. She was starved. The fridge bore nothing, and her stomach grumbled with disapproval. Grabbing the only thing she could find, a banana, she made her way to the couch and sunk into it, just as her phone beeped with a text.
‘Grandpa just wanted to say hello and see how your exam went today? Love Mum.’ Louisa read the text and promptly burst into tears. How could she let Grandpa down? The exam had been awful. She had messed everything up. She was behind on coursework and was coming up empty on inspiration. This wasn’t the life she had envisioned when she thought about moving to London.
When starting up her course in fashion at London College of Fashion at King’s Cross, she had dreamed big. She had chosen London because she wanted to immerse herself in the fashion industry and London offered it all. Not only was the course fantastic but the fashion scene in London was incredible as well. From bloggers, to agencies, to fashion week, the opportunities were endless.
But here she was six months later, struggling to meet the demands of the course and missing home terribly. She placed the banana on the coffee table, suddenly not feeling very hungry. Glancing at her phone, she noticed she had a bunch of notifications. Scrolling through absent-mindedly she paused on her sister Sabrina’s latest Instagram photo. She wore a gorgeous sleek black skater dress and her barely there make-up made her look like an immaculate doll.
Louisa hated the tug of jealousy that she felt. Sabrina had it all and she hadn’t even been able to score one fashion event or get one A since she’d been in London. Furthermore, she had failed miserably in keeping to her word and visiting home, and it was only two hours away. Fiddling with her wet hair with one hand and giving her sister’s picture a like with the other, she took a deep breath in and went in search of her suitcases.
***
Louisa had been there with Grandpa when the coroner came to take him away. She had stood motionless, unable to speak, unable to move. Her mind was grateful that he hadn’t suffered and that he had been able to go the way he did. At ninety-six she couldn’t be selfish and complain that she hadn’t had enough time with him. Yet her heart argued that she could complain. It wanted to scream to the heavens; it wanted to bring her grandpa back. Her heart wasn’t as selfless as her brain. She wanted more time.