I am still not a Loser. Jim Smith
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‘Barry’s granny was amazed,’ said Mr Hodgepodge. ‘ “Telephones you can carry around?” she said, “Ooh, what will they think of next!” ’
If I wasn’t Barry Loser and Mr Hodgepodge wasn’t going out with Granny Harumpadunk, I would’ve laughed along with the rest of the class at his impression of an old granny.
But I am. And he is. So I didn’t.
‘So today’s lesson is called What Will They Think of Next!’ Mr Hodgepodge said and he pointed at me.
‘Barry, what do you think they’ll think of next?’
‘Ooh, Barry first, what a surprise,’ said Tracy Pilchard, and her, Donnatella and Sharonella all started giggling, not that I cared, because this was exactly the kind of lesson I’m completely brilliant and amazing at.
‘I was thinking it’d be keel if when you thought of something, it popped up in a bubble above your head like in cartoons,’ I said, because that was what happened in a Future Ratboy episode once.
‘What’s “keel”?’ said Jocelyn Twiggs, and I rolled my eyes because everyone knows that ‘keel’ is how Future Ratboy says ‘cool’.
I looked at Mr Hodgepodge to see if he was impressed with my keel idea, but he wasn’t even listening.
‘What about you, Tracy?’ he said after the length of a whole episode of Future Ratboy.
He was staring at a photo of Granny he had on his desk.
‘I reckon they should make more jewellery,’ said Tracy, and Donnatella and Sharonella both agreed, even though they all had about five hundred bits of jewellery on already.
‘Gordon?’ said Mr Hodgepodge, and I looked over at Gordon Smugly for the first time since my dream. He was sitting at the back of the classroom, playing on his new phone.
‘Thank you, Mr Hodgepodge,’ he said, looking up from his game. ‘Well now, there has been something bothering me for a while, and I suppose this is as good a time as any to make it known, publicly, so to speak,’ he carried on, and I rolled my eyes so much that it made me feel dizzy.
‘I think they should make a Future Ratboy film,’ he said, and I felt all the little hairs everywhere on my entire body stand up on end.
I think my little hairs are even bigger fans of Future Ratboy than I am, because whenever anyone else mentions him they get instantly jealous.
‘Yeeaa-aaah!’ said everybody, because it was actually a really good idea. A Future Ratboy film would be keel times a million.
‘What’s all this Future Ratboy business?’ asked Mr Hodgepodge, looking up from the photo. I was going to stand up and explain, seeing as I’m Future Ratboy’s number-one fan, but I was still a bit dizzy from my eye roll so I just sat there like a loser.
‘Future Ratboy is the keelest TV show in the whole wide world ever!’ said Bunky, copying what I was going to say.
He looked at Gordon and did a little snortle, but only because he wanted a go on Gordon’s phone.
‘Well, I can see that Bunky and Gordon are quite the experts on Future Ratman!’ said Mr Hodgepodge, and I could feel all my clothes being pushed away from my skin by my jealous little hairs.
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