One of Ours & Alexander's Bridge. Уилла Кэсер
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too. He moved uneasily and his chair creaked.
“Yes, I was then. You know. But afterward. . .”
“Yes, yes,” she hurried, pulling her hand gently away from him. Presently it stole back to his coat sleeve. “Please tell me one thing, Bartley. At least, tell me that you believe I thought I was making you happy.”
His hand shut down quickly over the questioning fingers on his sleeves. “Yes, Hilda; I know that,” he said simply.
She leaned her head against his arm and spoke softly:—
“You see, my mistake was in wanting you to have everything. I wanted you to eat all the cakes and have them, too. I somehow believed that I could take all the bad consequences for you. I wanted you always to be happy and handsome and successful — to have all the things that a great man ought to have, and, once in a way, the careless holidays that great men are not permitted.”
Bartley gave a bitter little laugh, and Hilda looked up and read in the deepening lines of his face that youth and Bartley would not much longer struggle together.
“I understand, Bartley. I was wrong. But I didn’t know. You’ve only to tell me now. What must I do that I’ve not done, or what must I not do?” She listened intently, but she heard nothing but the creaking of his chair. “You want me to say it?” she whispered. “You want to tell me that you can only see me like this, as old friends do, or out in the world among people? I can do that.”
“I can’t,” he said heavily.
Hilda shivered and sat still. Bartley leaned his head in his hands and spoke through his teeth. “It’s got to be a clean break, Hilda. I can’t see you at all, anywhere. What I mean is that I want you to promise never to see me again, no matter how often I come, no matter how hard I beg.”
Hilda sprang up like a flame. She stood over him with her hands clenched at her side, her body rigid.
“No!” she gasped. “It’s too late to ask that. Do you hear me, Bartley? It’s too late. I won’t promise. It’s abominable of you to ask me. Keep away if you wish; when have I ever followed you? But, if you come to me, I’ll do as I see fit. The shamefulness of your asking me to do that! If you come to me, I’ll do as I see fit. Do you understand? Bartley, you’re cowardly!”
Alexander rose and shook himself angrily. “Yes, I know I’m cowardly. I’m afraid of myself. I don’t trust myself any more. I carried it all lightly enough at first, but now I don’t dare trifle with it. It’s getting the better of me. It’s different now. I’m growing older, and you’ve got my young self here with you. It’s through him that I’ve come to wish for you all and all the time.” He took her roughly in his arms. “Do you know what I mean?”
Hilda held her face back from him and began to cry bitterly. “Oh, Bartley, what am I to do? Why didn’t you let me be angry with you? You ask me to stay away from you because you want me! And I’ve got nobody but you. I will do anything you say — but that! I will ask the least imaginable, but I must have SOMETHING!”
Bartley turned away and sank down in his chair again. Hilda sat on the arm of it and put her hands lightly on his shoulders.
“Just something Bartley. I must have you to think of through the months and months of loneliness. I must see you. I must know about you. The sight of you, Bartley, to see you living and happy and successful — can I never make you understand what that means to me?” She pressed his shoulders gently. “You see, loving some one as I love you makes the whole world different. If I’d met you later, if I hadn’t loved you so well — but that’s all over, long ago. Then came all those years without you, lonely and hurt and discouraged; those decent young fellows and poor Mac, and me never heeding — hard as a steel spring. And then you came back, not caring very much, but it made no difference.”
She slid to the floor beside him, as if she were too tired to sit up any longer. Bartley bent over and took her in his arms, kissing her mouth and her wet, tired eyes.
“Don’t cry, don’t cry,” he whispered. “We’ve tortured each other enough for tonight. Forget everything except that I am here.”
“I think I have forgotten everything but that already,” she murmured. “Ah, your dear arms!”
Chapter 7
During the fortnight that Alexander was in London he drove himself hard. He got through a great deal of personal business and saw a great many men who were doing interesting things in his own profession. He disliked to think of his visits to London as holidays, and when he was there he worked even harder than he did at home.
The day before his departure for Liverpool was a singularly fine one. The thick air had cleared overnight in a strong wind which brought in a golden dawn and then fell off to a fresh breeze. When Bartley looked out of his windows from the Savoy, the river was flashing silver and the gray stone along the Embankment was bathed in bright, clear sunshine. London had wakened to life after three weeks of cold and sodden rain. Bartley breakfasted hurriedly and went over his mail while the hotel valet packed his trunks. Then he paid his account and walked rapidly down the Strand past Charing Cross Station. His spirits rose with every step, and when he reached Trafalgar Square, blazing in the sun, with its fountains playing and its column reaching up into the bright air, he signaled to a hansom, and, before he knew what he was about, told the driver to go to Bedford Square by way of the British Museum.
When he reached Hilda’s apartment she met him, fresh as the morning itself. Her rooms were flooded with sunshine and full of the flowers he had been sending her. She would never let him give her anything else.
“Are you busy this morning, Hilda?” he asked as he sat down, his hat and gloves in his hand.
“Very. I’ve been up and about three hours, working at my part. We open in February, you know.”
“Well, then you’ve worked enough. And so have I. I’ve seen all my men, my packing is done, and I go up to Liverpool this evening. But this morning we are going to have a holiday. What do you say to a drive out to Kew and Richmond? You may not get another day like this all winter. It’s like a fine April day at home. May I use your telephone? I want to order the carriage.”
“Oh, how jolly! There, sit down at the desk. And while you are telephoning I’ll change my dress. I shan’t be long. All the morning papers are on the table.”
Hilda was back in a few moments wearing a long gray squirrel coat and a broad fur hat.
Bartley rose and inspected her. “Why don’t you wear some of those pink roses?” he asked.
“But they came only this morning, and they have not even begun to open. I was saving them. I am so unconsciously thrifty!” She laughed as she looked about the room. “You’ve been sending me far too many flowers, Bartley. New ones every day. That’s too often; though I do love to open the boxes, and I take good care of them.”
“Why won’t you let me send you any of those jade or ivory things you are so fond of? Or pictures? I know a good deal about pictures.”
Hilda shook her large hat as she drew the roses out of the tall glass. “No, there are some things you can’t do. There’s the carriage. Will you button my gloves for me?”
Bartley took her wrist and began to button the long gray suede glove. “How gay your eyes are this morning, Hilda.”
“That’s because I’ve been studying. It always stirs me up a little.”
He pushed the top of the glove up slowly. “When did you learn to take hold of your parts like that?”
“When I had nothing else to think of. Come, the carriage is waiting. What a shocking while you take.”
“I’m in no hurry. We’ve plenty of