More Toasts. Various
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farmer threatened to discharge him. Then the "hand" bought an alarm-clock, and for some time everything went along smoothly. But one morning he got to the field fifteen minutes late. The farmer immediately discharged him, in spite of his protestations that his alarm-clock was to blame.
Sadly returning to his room, the discharged employee determined to find out the cause of his downfall. He took the alarm-clock to pieces, and discovered a dead cockroach among the works.
"Well," he soliloquized, "Ay tank it bane no wonder the clock wouldn't run—the engineer bane daid."
"I heard something this morning that opened my eyes."
"So did I—an alarm clock."
"Have you any alarm-clocks?" inquired the customer. "What I want is one that will arouse the girl without waking the whole family."
"I don't know of any such alarm-clock as that, madam," said the man behind the counter; "we keep just the ordinary kind—the kind that will wake the whole family without disturbing the girl."
See also Philadelphia; Tardiness.
ALIBI
TEACHER—"What is an alibi?"
BRIGHT Boy—"Being somewhere where you ain't."
ALIMONY
Or Go to Jail
"Is there any way a man can avoid paying alimony?" asked the Friend who was seeking free advice.
"Sure," replied the Lawyer. "He can stay single or stay married."
ALPHABET
MOTHER (who is teaching her child the alphabet)—"Now, dearie, what comes after 'g'?"
THE CHILD—"Whiz!"—Judge.
ALTERNATIVES
See Choices.
AMBITION
Every normal man has two great ambitions. First, to own his home. Second, to own a car to get away from his home.
Ambition makes the same mistake concerning power that avarice makes concerning wealth. She begins by accumulating power as a means to happiness, and she finishes by continuing to accumulate it as an end.—Colton.
To wish is of little account; to succeed thou must earnestly desire; and this desire must shorten thy sleep.—Ovid.
The noblest spirit is most strongly attracted by the love of glory.—Cicero.
When once ambition has passed its natural limits, its progress is boundless.—Seneca.
AMERICANS
A French magazine claims to have discovered in a New York paper an advertisement to this effect: "A gentleman who has lost his right leg is desirous of making the acquaintance of some one who has lost his left leg, in order to become associated with him in the purchase of boots and shoes, size 8." The very observant French editor very politely comments: "An American may occasionally lose a leg, but he never loses his head."
"That's the Goddess of Liberty," explained the New Yorker. "Fine attitude, eh?"
"Yes, and typically American," replied the Western visitor. "Hanging to a strap."
"William," asked the teacher of a rosy-faced lad, "can you tell me who George Washington was?"
"Yes, ma'am," was the quick reply. "He was an American gen'ral."
"Quite right," replied the teacher. "And can you tell us what George Washington was remarkable for?"
"Yes, ma'am," replied the little boy. "He was remarkable because he was an American and told the truth."
A party of tourists were looking at Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell!" exclaimed an American. "Ah, the Americans," said a Frenchman standing by, "Where have they not been?"
AMUSEMENTS
It was a sweet, sad play, and there was hardly a dry handkerchief in the house. But one man in the first balcony irritated his neighbors excessively by refusing to take the performance in the proper spirit. Instead of weeping, he laughed. While others were mopping their eyes and endeavoring to stifle their sobs, his face beamed with merriment and he burst into inappropriate guffaws.
At last a lady by his side turned upon him indignantly.
"I d-don't know what brought y-you here," she sobbed, with streaming eyes, and pressing her hand against her aching heart; "but if y-you don't like the p-play you might l-let other p-people enjoy it!"
ANCESTRY
HAMPTON—"Dinwiddow told me his family is a very old one. They were one of the first to come across."
RHODES—"The grocer told me yesterday that now they are the last to come across."—Judge.
"Pa, what are ancestors?"
"Well, my son, I'm one of yours. Your grandpa is another."
"Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?"
HE—"My ancestors came over in the Mayflower."
SHE—"It's lucky they did; the immigration laws are a little stricter now."
ANIMALS
It was Robert's first visit to the Zoo.
"What do you think of the animals?" inquired Uncle Ben.
After a critical inspection of the exhibit the boy replied: "I think the kangaroo and the elephant should change tails."
ANTICIPATION
"Mr. Blinks," said she, "do you think that anticipation is greater than realization?"
"Well," replied Mr. Blinks, "anticipation is broader and higher, but realization is longer and flatter."
ANTIQUES