Vampires vs. Werewolves – Ultimate Collection. Редьярд Джозеф Киплинг
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I won't rest till I've seen him, and ascertained how the what's-its-name—"
"The vampyre."
"Ah! the vampyre."
"Shiver my timbers!" said Jack Pringle, who now brought in some wine much against the remonstrances of the waiters of the establishment, who considered that he was treading upon their vested interests by so doing.—"Shiver my timbers, if I knows what a wamphigher is, unless he's some distant relation to Davy Jones!"
"Hold your ignorant tongue," said the admiral; "nobody wants you to make a remark, you great lubber!"
"Very good," said Jack, and he sat down the wine on the table, and then retired to the other end of the room, remarking to himself that he was not called a great lubber on a certain occasion, when bullets were scuttling their nobs, and they were yard arm and yard arm with God knows who.
"Now, mister lawyer," said Admiral Bell, who had about him a large share of the habits of a rough sailor. "Now, mister lawyer, here is a glass first to our better acquaintance, for d——e, if I don't like you!"
"You are very good, sir."
"Not at all. There was a time, when I'd just as soon have thought of asking a young shark to supper with me in my own cabin as a lawyer, but I begin to see that there may be such a thing as a decent, good sort of a fellow seen in the law; so here's good luck to you, and you shall never want a friend or a bottle while Admiral Bell has a shot in the locker."
"Gammon," said Jack.
"D—n you, what do you mean by that?" roared the admiral, in a furious tone.
"I wasn't speaking to you," shouted Jack, about two octaves higher. "It's two boys in the street as is pretending they're a going to fight, and I know d——d well they won't."
"Hold your noise."
"I'm going. I wasn't told to hold my noise, when our nobs were being scuttled off Beyrout."
"Never mind him, mister lawyer," added the admiral. "He don't know what he's talking about. Never mind him. You go on and tell me all you know about the—the—"
"The vampyre!"
"Ah! I always forget the names of strange fish. I suppose, after all, it's something of the mermaid order?"
"That I cannot say, sir; but certainly the story, in all its painful particulars, has made a great sensation all over the country."
"Indeed!"
"Yes, sir. You shall hear how it occurred. It appears that one night Miss Flora Bannersworth, a young lady of great beauty, and respected and admired by all who knew her was visited by a strange being who came in at the window."
"My eye," said Jack, "it waren't me, I wish it had a been."
"So petrified by fear was she, that she had only time to creep half out of the bed, and to utter one cry of alarm, when the strange visitor seized her in his grasp."
"D—n my pig tail," said Jack, "what a squall there must have been, to be sure."
"Do you see this bottle?" roared the admiral.
"To be sure, I does; I think as it's time I seed another."
"You scoundrel, I'll make you feel it against that d——d stupid head of yours, if you interrupt this gentleman again."
"Don't be violent."
"Well, as I was saying," continued the attorney, "she did, by great good fortune, manage to scream, which had the effect of alarming the whole house. The door of her chamber, which was fast, was broken open."
"Yes, yes—"
"Ah," cried Jack.
"You may imagine the horror and the consternation of those who entered the room to find her in the grasp of a fiend-like figure, whose teeth were fastened on her neck, and who was actually draining her veins of blood."
"The devil!"
"Before any one could lay hands sufficiently upon the figure to detain it, it had fled precipitately from its dreadful repast. Shots were fired after it in vain."
"And they let it go?"
"They followed it, I understand, as well as they were able, and saw it scale the garden wall of the premises; there it escaped, leaving, as you may well imagine, on all their minds, a sensation of horror difficult to describe."
"Well, I never did hear anything the equal of that. Jack, what do you think of it?"
"I haven't begun to think, yet," said Jack.
"But what about my nephew, Charles?" added the admiral.
"Of him I know nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Not a word, admiral. I was not aware you had a nephew, or that any gentleman bearing that, or any other relationship to you, had any sort of connexion with these mysterious and most unaccountable circumstances. I tell you all I have gathered from common report about this vampyre business. Further I know not, I assure you."
"Well, a man can't tell what he don't know. It puzzles me to think who could possibly have written me this letter."
"That I am completely at a loss to imagine," said Crinkles. "I assure you, my gallant sir, that I am much hurt at the circumstance of any one using my name in such a way. But, nevertheless, as you are here, permit me to say, that it will be my pride, my pleasure, and the boast of the remainder of my existence, to be of some service to so gallant a defender of my country, and one whose name, along with the memory of his deeds, is engraved upon the heart of every Briton."
"Quite ekal to a book, he talks," said Jack. "I never could read one myself, on account o' not knowing how, but I've heard 'em read, and that's just the sort o' incomprehensible gammon."
"We don't want any of your ignorant remarks," said the admiral, "so you be quiet."
"Ay, ay, sir."
"Now, Mister Lawyer, you are an honest fellow, and an honest fellow is generally a sensible fellow."
"Sir, I thank you."
"If so be as what this letter says is true, my nephew Charles has got a liking for this girl, who has had her neck bitten by a vampyre, you see."
"I perceive, sir."
"Now what would you do?"
"One of the most difficult, as well, perhaps, as one of the most ungracious of tasks," said the attorney, "is to interfere with family affairs. The cold and steady eye of reason generally sees things in such very different lights to what they appear to those whose feelings and whose affections are much compromised in their results."
"Very true. Go on."
"Taking, my dear sir, what in my humble judgment appears to be a reasonable view of this subject, I should say it would be a dreadful thing for your nephew to marry into a family any member of which was liable to the visitations of a vampyre."
"It wouldn't be pleasant."
"The young lady might have children."
"Oh, lots," cried Jack.
"Hold your noise, Jack."
"Ay, ay, sir."
"And she might herself actually, when after death she became a vampyre, come and feed on her own children."
"Become a vampyre! What, is she going to be a vampyre too?"
"My dear sir, don't you know that it is a remarkable fact, as regards the physiology of vampyres, that whoever is bitten by one of those dreadful beings, becomes a vampyre?"
"The devil!"
"It is a fact, sir."
"Whew!" whistled Jack; "she might bite us all, and we should be a whole ship's crew o' wamphighers.