Pygmalion and Other Plays. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
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place at the table, setting to work at his papers again with resolute cheerfulness.]
CANDIDA. [Going to the sofa and sitting beside Marchbanks, still in a bantering humor.] Well, Eugene, why are you so sad? Did the onions make you cry? [Morell cannot prevent himself from watching them.]
MARCHBANKS. [Aside to her.] It is your cruelty. I hate cruelty. It is a horrible thing to see one person make another suffer.
CANDIDA. [Petting him ironically.] Poor boy, have I been cruel? Did I make it slice nasty little red onions?
MARCHBANKS. [Earnestly.] Oh, stop, stop: I don’t mean myself. You have made him suffer frightfully. I feel his pain in my own heart. I know that it is not your fault—it is something that must happen; but don’t make light of it. I shudder when you torture him and laugh.
CANDIDA. [Incredulously.] I torture James! Nonsense, Eugene: how you exaggerate! Silly! [She looks round at Morell, who hastily resumes his writing. She goes to him and stands behind his chair, bending over him.] Don’t work any more, dear. Come and talk to us.
MORELL. [Affectionately but bitterly.] Ah no: I can’t talk. I can only preach.
CANDIDA. [Caressing him.] Well, come and preach.
BURGESS. [Strongly remonstrating.] Aw, no, Candy. ’Ang it all! [Lexy Mill comes in, looking anxious and important.]
LEXY. [Hastening to shake hands with Candida.] How do you do, Mrs. Morell? So glad to see you back again.
CANDIDA. Thank you, Lexy. You know Eugene, don’t you?
LEXY. Oh, yes. How do you do, Marchbanks?
MARCHBANKS. Quite well, thanks.
LEXY. [To Morell.] I’ve just come from the Guild of St. Matthew. They are in the greatest consternation about your telegram. There’s nothing wrong, is there?
CANDIDA. What did you telegraph about, James?
LEXY. [To Candida.] He was to have spoken for them tonight. They’ve taken the large hall in Mare Street and spent a lot of money on posters. Morell’s telegram was to say he couldn’t come. It came on them like a thunderbolt.
CANDIDA. [Surprised, and beginning to suspect something wrong.] Given up an engagement to speak!
BURGESS. First time in his life, I’ll bet. Ain’ it, Candy?
LEXY. [To Morell.] They decided to send an urgent telegram to you asking whether you could not change your mind. Have you received it?
MORELL. [With restrained impatience.] Yes, yes: I got it.
LEXY. It was reply paid.
MORELL. Yes, I know. I answered it. I can’t go.
CANDIDA. But why, James?
MORELL. [Almost fiercely.] Because I don’t choose. These people forget that I am a man: they think I am a talking machine to be turned on for their pleasure every evening of my life. May I not have ONE night at home, with my wife, and my friends? [They are all amazed at this outburst, except Eugene. His expression remains unchanged.]
CANDIDA. Oh, James, you know you’ll have an attack of bad conscience to-morrow; and I shall have to suffer for that.
LEXY. [Intimidated, but urgent.] I know, of course, that they make the most unreasonable demands on you. But they have been telegraphing all over the place for another speaker: and they can get nobody but the President of the Agnostic League.
MORELL. [Promptly.] Well, an excellent man. What better do they want?
LEXY. But he always insists so powerfully on the divorce of Socialism from Christianity. He will undo all the good we have been doing. Of course you know best; but—[He hesitates.]
CANDIDA. [Coaxingly.] Oh, do go, James. We’ll all go.
BURGESS. [Grumbling.] Look ’ere, Candy! I say! Let’s stay at home by the fire, comfortable. He won’t need to be more’n a couple-o’-hour away.
CANDIDA. You’ll be just as comfortable at the meeting. We’ll all sit on the platform and be great people.
EUGENE. [Terrified.] Oh, please don’t let us go on the platform. No—everyone will stare at us—I couldn’t. I’ll sit at the back of the room.
CANDIDA. Don’t be afraid. They’ll be too busy looking at James to notice you.
MORELL. [Turning his head and looking meaningly at her over his shoulder.] Prossy’s complaint, Candida! Eh?
CANDIDA. [Gaily.] Yes.
BURGESS. [Mystified.] Prossy’s complaint. Wot are you talking about, James?
MORELL. [Not heeding him, rises; goes to the door; and holds it open, shouting in a commanding voice.] Miss Garnett.
PROSERPINE. [In the distance.] Yes, Mr. Morell. Coming. [They all wait, except Burgess, who goes stealthily to Lexy and draws him aside.]
BURGESS. Listen here, Mr. Mill. Wot’s Prossy’s complaint? Wot’s wrong with ’er?
LEXY. [Confidentially.] Well, I don’t exactly know; but she spoke very strangely to me this morning. I’m afraid she’s a little out of her mind sometimes.
BURGESS. [Overwhelmed.] Why, it must be catchin’! Four in the same ’ouse! [He goes back to the hearth, quite lost before the instability of the human intellect in a clergyman’s house.]
PROSERPINE. [Appearing on the threshold.] What is it, Mr. Morell?
MORELL. Telegraph to the Guild of St. Matthew that I am coming.
PROSERPINE. [Surprised.] Don’t they expect you?
MORELL. [Peremptorily.] Do as I tell you. [Proserpine frightened, sits down at her typewriter, and obeys. Morell goes across to Burgess, Candida watching his movements all the time with growing wonder and misgiving.]
MORELL. Burgess: you don’t want to come?
BURGESS. [In deprecation.] Oh, don’t put it like that, James. It’s only that it ain’t Sunday, you know.
MORELL. I’m sorry. I thought you might like to be introduced to the chairman. He’s on the Works Committee of the County Council and has some influence in the matter of contracts. [Burgess wakes up at once. Morell, expecting as much, waits a moment, and says] Will you come?
BURGESS. [With enthusiasm.] Course I’ll come, James. Ain’ it always a pleasure to ’ear you.
MORELL. [Turning from him.] I shall want you to take some notes at the meeting, Miss Garnett, if you have no other engagement. [She nods, afraid to speak.] You are coming, Lexy, I suppose.
LEXY. Certainly.
CANDIDA. We are all coming, James.
MORELL. No: you are not coming; and Eugene is not coming. You will stay here and entertain him—to celebrate your return home. [Eugene rises, breathless.]
CANDIDA. But James—
MORELL. [Authoritatively.] I insist. You do not want to come; and he does not want to come. [Candida is about to protest.] Oh, don’t concern yourselves: I shall have plenty of people without you: your chairs will be wanted by unconverted people who have never heard me before.
CANDIDA. [Troubled.] Eugene: wouldn’t you like to come?
MORELL. I should be afraid to let myself go before Eugene: he is so critical of sermons. [Looking at him.] He knows I am afraid of him: he told me as much this morning. Well, I shall show him how much afraid I am by leaving him here in your custody, Candida.
MARCHBANKS. [To himself, with vivid feeling.] That’s brave. That’s beautiful. [He sits down again listening with parted lips.]
CANDIDA. [With anxious misgiving.] But—but—Is anything the matter, James? [Greatly troubled.] I can’t understand—
MORELL. Ah, I thought it was I who couldn’t understand,