Time-Limited Existential Therapy. Alison Strasser
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and the world around us. Not only do we come into relationship with others, but they also come into relationship with us. They are witnessed by us and we are witnessed by them, and so for Heidegger, ‘we can never encounter only [ourselves]’ (1962, p. 274). ‘We cannot … understand – or make sense of human beings – our selves included – on their own or in isolation, but always and only in and through their inter‐relational context’.
This idea of a ‘relational self’ is highlighted when we think about how the responses of others affect our sense of who we are, our self‐esteem. Other people’s opinions – or more realistically, our perception of other people’s opinions – are at the forefront of how we view ourselves. Since we are so connected with others our sense of self is intimately tied to the other, often creating a kind of roller coaster reaction in terms of our self‐esteem. We can move from momentary feelings of exhilaration to dismay within a flash should someone inadvertently or purposely say something negative about us.
In this relational understanding of the self, our self‐concept is also intricately entwined with our value system. We continually assess how well we are conforming to our acquired and desired values that then translate into our self‐esteem. For example, if we value being accepted and liked, we will need to please others to feel acceptable to ourselves. When our strategy works and we receive approval, we feel flattered and good about ourselves. The opposite is also true: when we desire approval, and our attempts to gain it by striving to please others don’t work and instead we feel someone’s dislike or disapproval, our self‐esteem may take a battering.
Furthermore, we can also say that our self‐concept is linked not only to values but also to our perception of safety, our notions of time and temporality as well as with all the other sections represented on the existential Wheel.
The idea of the ‘relational self’ embraces the phenomenological principle that we are continually defining, constructing and reinterpreting who we are as we meet life in our moment‐to‐moment interactions. We move continually from feeling secure, good, okay or hopeful to being thrown into disarray and feeling insecure, bad, not okay and pessimistic. In the core of the Wheel, the arrows denote a continual flow representing this ever‐shifting sense of self from secure to insecure.
This understanding of self as a fluid experience that oscillates and shifts is quite different to that often proffered by the humanist thinkers with their belief that the self is within us, can be found and is to some extent ‘static’. It is remarkable how this prevailing attitude towards the ‘real’, ‘fixed’ or genuine self is embraced in the minds of the general public.
The notion of ‘plasticity’ can be borrowed from neuroscience to support the existential understanding of a fluid self. Sometimes referred to as neuroplasticity, the ‘plastic’ brain is a term used to describe the brain’s ability to change and adapt as a result of experience. We continually create new synaptic connections, which in essence is how we form new memories. As we tell and retell our stories, we add and subtract from our narrative, creating something new in each retelling.
When we take into account the notion of the ‘plastic’ self – the self that is not stagnant, that is ever changing – the process of therapy itself becomes flexible. It is not only the client that changes; the idea of the ‘plastic self’ also signifies the importance of the therapist retaining an open mind and not becoming fixed on how the client’s sense of self might be at any given moment. This availability of the therapist to stay present to the client’s shifting experiences of self in turn assists the therapist to not fix or label and to facilitate the client’s own journey to finding their path.
Returning to Maggie, she was more secure and could easily self‐reflect when in a space where she felt uninterrupted and connected, such as during our sessions. When having to negotiate other people’s requests both at work and with her husband, or having to navigate her children’s concerns, she became highly anxious and self‐critical. In theory, Maggie knew that she was capable and a warm, loving person, but often this ‘self’ was replaced by a ‘self’ that believed she must be lacking if her husband and sometimes her children didn’t want to be with her. In those moments, in contrast to these other connected, relational moments, she lacked self‐esteem.
Maggie illustrates the connection between time and her relationship to her ever‐changing self. As we journey through the remaining layers, levels, sections and segments of the Wheel, we will add to our understanding of the vast interconnectivity of our living in the world, our existence.
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