Small Narratives. Anna Ferrari
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touch, perfume on the skin.»
«It feels up to here, or maybe it's because it's always the same and seeing you is like hearing its scent!»
«It is strange, however, to see you cooking for so long, you always say that your maximum tolerance time is half an hour.»
«But I don't cook! I make desserts, and I enjoy playing with the saucepans.»
«Then I'll leave you to your games, get dressed and go out. Come Willy!»
Elias goes out, Willy barks, I go on with my business.
How many years have gone by? Many, of course, I must have been six, seven years old. More or less, but it is one of the strongest memories I have of me and my mother, I still feel its intensity.
I am sitting on the bus, near the window, my mom is a few seats ahead. I hold a thin, long and wide rectangular package tightly on my legs. My knuckles are white from how I squeeze it. And I smile. It is a gift from my mother, a woman who never buys anything unless it is planned and who considers gifts suitable only for Christmas, Epiphany, birthdays and the name day. Or for special celebrations, such as First Communion. That day, it must have been winter, because it is gray outside the bus, and it rains too, that day she let herself go and she bought me these pots, these beautiful, extraordinary pots, unsurpassed by any other package. I love them, I love them I would dare to say, I hold them close to me so that they transmit to me all the love that I feel enclosed within them, the love of my mother, so frugal, so regulated, so arid.
The weather is gloomy, people yawn, they are indifferent, they read, there is nothing beautiful around me, not even my mother who sitting there does not turn to see what I do, but I feel surrounded by an intense light, I even get tears in my eyes, I am so happy. Then I am not really wrong if she gave me a gift. My mom. My mom!
In my thoughts I tell her that I love her, that she is everything to me, and my happiness grows.
Even today I feel that feeling alive inside me, more than the faces, the outlines of things, which are now blurred and confused, the colors and the feelings are clear, clear, so much so that I cling to them when I want to forgive my mom, when I want accept her as she is, without expecting anything else from her.
In life there has never been a similar closeness. She shuns too close contacts, even with her daughter. There is a photo of her that portrays her a few days after giving birth, she holds her baby in her arms, embarrassed, she would like to hide it, it is the clear proof of her that she made love .
She is a complicated woman, prey to impulses that she does not even recognize, authoritarian, with herself and with the world. She lasts, bordering on antipathy. Yet in my child's eyes she was The Perfection, and she wanted to be perfect, the best of anyone, in anything, but she was not, she is not capable of loving. Unknowingly, she loves cooking very much, and through that she appeases her thirst for love, to give and to receive.
The blancmange is ready, I wash the saucepans and put them back in the box, I keep them carefully because I know that I will not have others for a long time, at least until my birthday.
I know this since I sat on that bus .
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