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status, intellectual engagement, social interaction and support, purpose, pride, joy, accomplishment, and structure. After leaving your primary career, you'll still want to experience these benefits in your everyday life. Chapters 2 and 3 explore a host of specific suggestions for a rich, full life, including possibilities for a paycheck after leaving your primary career. (The “Pertinent Quotes” below are from attendees at my retirement talks.)
Pertinent Quote: “Retirement brought a quick collapse to the daily environment I had known for a long time. This gave rise to a lot of issues I had never faced before and working through those issues took time and a lot of work.” – Michael K.
Secret 2: Renegotiate Roles/Cultivate Resilience
There are two chief ways of looking at the world, according to research, that increase the chances for smooth sailing through the transition to retirement: having both an internal locus of control (the belief that outcomes are under one's control), and retirement self-efficacy (the belief or self-confidence that one can cope with the changes retirement brings). Adopt these mind-sets to help ensure a satisfying retirement.
Retiring can be similar to your adolescent years, exciting, but at the same time, often turbulent. Leaving your primary career/job results in shifts in thinking – about time, wants and needs, relationships, perhaps where you live, and thoughts about this “third age” of your life. It's time to concentrate on the present and future – your past doesn't need you anymore! Prior to retiring, if part of a couple, you may have worked out patterns or divisions of labor that worked for you – from making meals to taking out the garbage to washing the dishes to food shopping to doing the laundry to supervising work done around the house to yard work to taking care of children and/or assisting your parents … you get the idea. Now is the time to reconsider and to renegotiate these roles. If old patterns still work, great. If not, it's time to discuss which ones need to be changed or renegotiated.
Author C.S. Lewis said, “You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” Lewis is talking about resilience, which is the ability to bounce back after adversity. It's an important ingredient in the recipe for a successful retirement, whether single or coupled. You can cultivate this desirable quality by accepting that change is part of life; by concentrating on changing adverse circumstances that can be altered; by acting decisively rather than wishing problems would just disappear; by maintaining perspective; and by taking big problems and breaking them into smaller, manageable challenges.
It can be beneficial to talk to friends and relatives about their own shifts to retirement. For example, although my friend Carol loves to cook, she hated doing the dishes, but felt it was her “duty” to do them since she did not work outside the home. Now, Julian is doing the dishes, and they do the food shopping together, which they both enjoy. A small but important change. Ramona and Carlos were having a difficult time adjusting to “too much togetherness.” They pulled out their 1992 copy of The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, and reviewed and discussed which of the ways they liked to “receive” love: acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation. Carlos was doing lots of repairs around the house he never had time to do while working, and although Ramona was pleased with his “acts of service,” she really craved words of affirmation. Ramona liked surprising Carlos with little gifts, but he was really hoping for her to initiate sex … discussing what they wanted and needed went a long way toward smoothing the adjustment to an almost 24/7 togetherness.
You could also consider consulting with a counselor or couples' therapist or life coach, and/or attending retirement seminars, particularly if they address more than just financial issues. Think of redefining/renegotiating roles as a process, and gradually build that muscle called resilience. The process of adapting to retirement can be more like slowly turning a dimmer on a light rather than flipping a switch.
Pertinent Quote: “I was used to having a large team to whom I could delegate many of the things I didn't like to do; my husband would say that after I retired, I sometimes treated him as if he were one of them.” – Linda R.
Secret 3: Have Strong Social Support
This “secret” is a biggie. Bette Midler is famous for it and Donkey sang it in the movie Shrek: “But ya got to have friends.” There is an abundance of research linking social connections to longer lifespans. And, strong connections result in more than just additional years – they are healthier and happier years as well, which is why I prefer the term “healthspan” to “lifespan.” An ad for a 1946 book about aging got it right: “The important thing to you is not how many years in your life, but how much life in your years!”
A few specifics:
Harvard Health Publishing/Harvard Medical School (2019) summarized research showing that positive family, friends, and religious and community connections are as beneficial to your health as sufficient shut-eye, a healthy diet, and being a nonsmoker. Their newsletter also cited a study involving more than 300,000 people that found that a “lack of strong relationships increased the risk of premature death from all causes by 50% – an effect on mortality risk roughly comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and greater than obesity and physical inactivity.”
Lynn Giles, PhD, and three other researchers followed 1,500 people for 10 years and found that those with extensive social networks outlived those lacking social support by 22%. Interestingly, their research showed friends had a more powerful effect on longevity than family.
A 13-year study showed that men and women 65 years and older who were more socially active lived an average of 2.5 years longer. This study was notable because the activities included things such as playing cards, eating out, or going to movies with others. It demonstrated that social engagement alone can increase lifespan.
An interesting 2019 study, titled “Friendships That Money Can Buy,” reported by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, looked at the connection between money and social support. The authors of the study found that “greater financial security predicted greater social connectedness, which in turn supported better health.” Their conclusion? Financial security “increases opportunities for social connection.” Makes sense. If you have the financial wherewithal to join a gym or tennis center, travel, eat out socially, spend time volunteering, go to the theater, and so forth, you increase your opportunities for social interactions and creating friendships. (More on achieving financial security in Chapters 7, 8, and 9.)
We've heard the expression “friends with benefits.” Well, friends are the benefit! We all want – and need – to have someone to “play with” in retirement. It's worth noting that many of us worry about making new friends. We tend to have a lower opinion of ourselves and think we are more boring than others think we are. It's called the “liking gap,” and a study in 2018, pairing strangers together for conversations, found that people were better liked and made better impressions than they thought they did. It's very helpful to know we're more likable than we think we are!
Secret 4: Have a Healthy Body and Mind
“Heartache.” “Gut-wrenching.” Money worries that cause headaches. When we think of “mind,” we need to go beyond just the analytical structure of the brain; our mind includes beliefs, attitudes, and emotions. There has been tremendous research demonstrating the powerful effect of the mind-body connection:
One study investigated the link between positive thinking and the risk of frailty. The researchers followed 1,558 older adults for seven years and compared