Skulduggery Pleasant: Books 1 - 12. Derek Landy
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just… Doesn’t it feel weird? It’d be like wearing someone else’s socks.”
“You get used to it.”
“What happened to you?” she asked. “Were you born like this?”
“No, I was born perfectly normal. Skin, organs, the whole shebang. Even had a face that wasn’t too bad to look at, if I do say so myself.”
“So what happened?”
Skulduggery leaned against the worktop, arms folded across his chest. “I got into magic. Back then – back when I was, for want of a better term, alive – there were some pretty nasty people around. The world was seeing a darkness it might never have recovered from. It was war, you see. A secret war, but war nonetheless. There was a sorcerer, Mevolent, worse then any of the others, and he had himself an army, and those of us who refused to fall in behind him found ourselves standing up against him.
“And we were winning. Eventually, after years of fighting this little war of ours, we were actually winning. His support was crumbling, his influence was fading, and he was staring defeat in the face. So he ordered one last, desperate strike against all the leaders on our side.”
Stephanie stared at him, lost in his voice.
“I went up against his right-hand man who had laid out a wickedly exquisite trap. I didn’t suspect a thing until it was too late.
“So I died. He killed me. The twenty-third of October it was, when my heart stopped beating. Once I was dead, they stuck my body up on a pike and burned it for all to see. They used me as a warning – they used the bodies of all the leaders they had killed as warnings – and, to my utter horror, it worked.”
“What do you mean?”
“The tide turned. Our side starting losing ground. Mevolent got stronger. It was more than I could stand, so I came back.”
“You just… came back?”
“It’s… complicated. When I died, I never moved on. Something was holding me here, making me watch. I’ve never heard of it happening before that and I haven’t heard of it happening since, but it happened to me. So when it got too much, I woke up, a bag of bones. Literally. They had gathered up my bones and put them in a bag and thrown the bag into a river. So that was a marvellous new experience right there.”
“Then what happened?”
“I put myself back together, which was rather painful, then climbed out of the river and rejoined the fight, and in the end, we won. We finally won. So, with Mevolent defeated, I quit that whole scene and struck out on my own for the first time in a few hundred years.”
Stephanie blinked. “Few hundred?”
“It was a long war.”
“That man, he called you detective.”
“He obviously knows me by reputation,” Skulduggery said, standing a little straighter. “I solve mysteries now.”
“Really?”
“Quite good at it too.”
“So, what, you’re tracking down your head?”
Skulduggery looked at her. If he’d had eyelids, he might well be blinking. “It’d be nice to have it back, sure, but…”
“So you don’t need it, like, so you can rest in peace?”
“No. No, not really.”
“Why did they take it? Was that another warning?”
“Oh, no,” Skulduggery said with a little laugh. “No, they didn’t take it. I was sleeping, about ten or fifteen years ago, and these little goblin things ran up and nicked it right off my spinal column. Didn’t notice it was gone till the next morning.”
Stephanie frowned. “And you didn’t feel that?”
“Well, like I said, I was asleep. Meditating, I suppose you’d call it. I can’t see, hear or feel anything when I’m meditating. Have you tried it?”
“No.”
“It’s very relaxing. I think you’d like it.”
“I’m sorry, I’m still stuck on you losing your head.”
“I didn’t lose it,” he said defensively. “It was stolen.”
Stephanie was feeling stronger now. She couldn’t believe that she’d fainted. Fainted. It was such an old woman thing to do. She glanced up at Skulduggery. “You’ve had a very unusual life, haven’t you?”
“I suppose I have. Not over yet though. Well, technically it is, but…”
“Isn’t there anything you miss?”
“About what?”
“About living.”
“Compared to how long I’ve been like this, I was only technically alive for a blink of an eye. I can’t really remember enough about having a beating heart in my chest to miss it.”
“So there’s nothing you miss?”
“I… I suppose I miss hair. I miss how it… was. And how it was there, on top of my head. I suppose I miss my hair.” He took out his pocket watch and his head jerked back. “Wow, look at the time. I’ve got to go, Stephanie.”
“Go? Go where?”
“Things to do, I’m afraid. Number one is finding out why that nice gentleman was sent here, and number two is finding out who sent him.”
“You can’t leave me alone,” she said, following him into the living room.
“Yes,” he corrected, “I can. You’ll be perfectly safe.”
“The front door’s off!”
“Well, yes. You’ll be perfectly safe as long as they don’t come through the front door.”
He pulled on his coat but she snatched his hat away.
“Are you taking my hat hostage?” he asked doubtfully.
“You’re either staying here to make sure no one else attacks me or you’re taking me with you.”
Skulduggery froze. “That,” he said eventually, “wouldn’t be too safe for you.”
“Neither would being left here on my own.”
“But you can hide,” he said, gesturing around the room. “There’s so many places to hide. I’m sure there are plenty of good solid wardrobes your size. Even under a bed. You’d be surprised how many people don’t check under beds these days.”
“Mr Pleasant—”
“Skulduggery, please.”
“Skulduggery, you saved my life tonight. Are you going to undo all that effort by leaving me here so someone else can come along and just kill me?”
“That’s a very defeatist attitude you’ve got there. I once knew a fellow, a little older than you. He wanted to join me in my adventures, wanted to solve mysteries that beggared belief. He kept asking, kept on at me about it. He finally proved himself, after a long time, and we became partners.”
“And did you go on to have lots of exciting adventures?”
“I did. He didn’t. He died on our very first case together. Horrible death. Messy too. Lots of flailing around.”
“Well, I don’t plan on dying any time soon and I’ve got something he didn’t.”
“And that is…?”
“Your