The Recruiting Officer. George Farquhar
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strain – Pray what success?
Kite. I've been here a week, and I've recruited five.
Plume. Five! pray what are they?
Kite. I have listed the strong man of Kent, the king of the gipsies, a Scotch pedlar, a scoundrel attorney, and a Welsh parson.
Plume. An attorney! wert thou mad? list a lawyer! discharge him, discharge him, this minute.
Kite. Why, sir?
Plume. Because I will have nobody in my company that can write; a fellow that can write, can draw petitions – I say this minute discharge him.
Kite. And what shall I do with the parson?
Plume. Can he write?
Kite. Hum? he plays rarely upon the fiddle.
Plume. Keep him, by all means – But how stands the country affected? were the people pleased with the news of my coming to town?
Kite. Sir, the mob are so pleased with your honour, and the justices and better sort of people, are so delighted with me, that we shall soon do your business – But, sir, you have got a recruit here, that you little think of.
Plume. Who?
Kite. One that you beat up for the last time you were in the country. You remember your old friend Molly, at the Castle?
Plume. She's not with child, I hope?
Kite. She was brought to-bed yesterday.
Plume. Kite, you must father the child.
Kite. And so her friends will oblige me to marry the mother.
Plume. If they should, we'll take her with us; she can wash, you know, and make a bed upon occasion.
Kite. Ay, or unmake it upon occasion. But your honour knows that I am married already.
Plume. To how many?
Kite. I can't tell readily – I have set them down here upon the back of the muster-roll. [Draws it out.] Let me see —Imprimis, Mrs. Shely Snikereyes; she sells potatoes upon Ormond key, in Dublin – Peggy Guzzle, the brandy woman at the Horse Guards, at Whitehall – Dolly Waggon, the carrier's daughter, at Hull – Mademoiselle Van Bottomflat, at the Buss – then Jenny Oakum, the ship-carpenter's widow, at Portsmouth; but I don't reckon upon her, for she was married at the same time to two lieutenants of marines, and a man of war's boatswain.
Plume. A full company – you have named five – come, make them half a dozen – Kite, is the child a boy, or a girl?
Kite. A chopping boy.
Plume. Then set the mother down in your list, and the boy in mine; enter him a grenadier, by the name of Francis Kite, absent upon furlow – I'll allow you a man's pay for his subsistence; and now, go comfort the wench in the straw.
Kite. I shall, sir.
Plume. But hold, have you made any use of your fortune-teller's habit since you arrived?
Kite. Yes, yes, sir; and my fame's all about the country for the most faithful fortune-teller that ever told a lie – I was obliged to let my landlord into the secret, for the convenience of keeping it so; but he is an honest fellow, and will be faithful to any roguery that is trusted to him. This device, sir, will get you men, and me, money, which, I think, is all we want at present – But yonder comes your friend, Mr. Worthy – Has your honour any further commands?
Plume. None at present. [Exit Kite.] 'Tis indeed, the picture of Worthy, but the life is departed.
What, arms across, Worthy! methinks you should hold them open when a friend's so near – The man has got the vapours in his ears, I believe. I must expel this melancholy spirit.
Spleen, thou worst of fiends below,
Fly, I conjure thee, by this magic blow.
Wor. Plume! my dear captain! welcome. Safe and sound returned!
Plume. I escaped safe from Germany, and sound, I hope, from London: you see I have lost neither leg, arm, nor nose. Then for my inside, 'tis neither troubled with sympathies, nor antipathies; and I have an excellent stomach for roast beef.
Wor. Thou art a happy fellow: once I was so.
Plume. What ails thee, man? no inundations nor earthquakes, in Wales, I hope? Has your father rose from the dead, and reassumed his estate?
Wor. No.
Plume. Then you are married, surely?
Wor. No.
Plume. Then you are mad, or turning quaker?
Wor. Come, I must out with it. – Your once gay, roving friend, is dwindled into an obsequious, thoughtful, romantic, constant coxcomb.
Plume. And pray, what is all this for?
Wor. For a woman.
Plume. Shake hands, brother. If you go to that, behold me as obsequious, as thoughtful, and as constant a coxcomb, as your worship.
Wor. For whom?
Plume. For a regiment – but for a woman! 'Sdeath! I have been constant to fifteen at a time, but never melancholy for one: and can the love of one bring you into this condition? Pray, who is this wonderful Helen?
Wor. A Helen, indeed! not to be won under ten years' siege; as great a beauty, and as great a jilt.
Plume. A jilt! pho! is she as great a whore?
Wor. No, no.
Plume. 'Tis ten thousand pities! – But who is she? – do I know her?
Wor. Very well.
Plume. That's impossible – I know no woman that will hold out a ten years' siege.
Wor. What think you of Melinda?
Plume. Melinda! why she began to capitulate this time twelvemonth, and offered to surrender upon honourable terms: and I advised you to propose a settlement of five hundred pounds a year to her, before I went last abroad.
Wor. I did, and she hearkened to it, desiring only one week to consider – when beyond her hopes the town was relieved, and I forced to turn the siege into a blockade.
Plume. Explain, explain.
Wor. My Lady Richly, her aunt in Flintshire, dies, and leaves her, at this critical time, twenty thousand pounds.
Plume. Oh, the devil! what a delicate woman was there spoiled! But, by the rules of war, now – Worthy, blockade was foolish – After such a convoy of provisions was entered the place, you could have no thought of reducing it by famine; you should have redoubled your attacks, taken the town by storm, or have died upon the breach.
Wor. I did make one general assault, but was so vigorously repulsed, that, despairing of ever gaining her for a mistress, I have altered my conduct, given my addresses the obsequious, and distant turn, and court her now for a wife.
Plume. So, as you grew obsequious, she grew haughty, and, because you approached her like a goddess, she used you like a dog.
Wor. Exactly.
Plume. 'Tis the way of them all – Come, Worthy, your obsequious and distant airs will never bring you together; you must not think to surmount her pride by your humility. Would you bring her to better thoughts of you, she must be reduced to a meaner opinion of herself. Let me see, the very first thing that I would do, should be, to lie with her chambermaid, and hire three or four wenches in the neighbourhood to report, that I had got them with child – Suppose we lampooned all the pretty women in town, and left her out; or, what if we made a ball, and forgot to invite her, with one or two of the ugliest.
Wor.