Fanny and the Servant Problem. Jerome Klapka Jerome
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My family? Hadn’t any!
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. No family?
Bennet enters. Vernon and Fanny left the door open. He halts, framed by the doorway.
FANNY. No. You see, I was an only child. My father and mother both died before I was fourteen.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. But your uncle?
FANNY. Oh, him! It was to get away from him and all that crew that I went on the stage.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so sad when relations don’t get on together.
FANNY. Sadder still when they think they’ve got a right to trample on you, just because you happen to be an orphan and – I don’t want to talk about my relations. I want to forget them. I stood them for nearly six months. I don’t want to be reminded of them. I want to forget that they ever existed. I want to forget —
Bennet has come down very quietly. Fanny, from where he stands, is the only one who sees him. He stands looking at her, his features, as ever, immovable. At sight of him her eyes and mouth open wider and wider. The words die away from her tongue. Vernon has turned away to put a log on the fire, and so has not seen her expression – only hears her sudden silence. He looks up and sees Bennet.
VERNON. Ah, Bennet! [He advances, holding out his hand.] You quite well?
BENNET [shaking hands with him]. Quite well.
VERNON. Good! And all the family?
BENNET. Nothing to complain of. Charles has had a touch of influenza.
VERNON. Ah, sorry to hear that.
BENNET. And your lordship?
VERNON. Fit as a fiddle – your new mistress.
Fanny has risen. Bennet turns to her. For a moment his back is towards the other three. Fanny alone sees his face.
BENNET. We shall endeavour to do our duty to her ladyship. [He turns to Vernon.] I had arranged for a more fitting reception —
VERNON. To tell the honest truth, Bennet, the very thing we were afraid of – why we walked from the station, and slipped in by the side door. [Laughing.] Has the luggage come?
BENNET. It has just arrived. It was about that I came to ask. I could not understand —
The Misses Wetherell have also risen. Fanny’s speechless amazement is attributed by them and Vernon to natural astonishment at discovery of his rank.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. You will be wanting a quiet talk together. We shall see you at dinner.
VERNON. What time is dinner?
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. Half past seven. [To Fanny] But don’t you hurry, dear. I will tell cook to delay it a little. [She kisses her.]
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. You will want some time to arrange that pretty hair of yours. [She also kisses the passive, speechless Fanny. They go out hand in hand.]
BENNET. I will see, while I am here, that your lordship’s room is in order.
VERNON. Why, where’s Robert, then?
BENNET. He has gone into town to do some shopping. We did not expect your lordship much before nine. There may be one or two things to see to. [He goes into his lordship’s apartments, closing the door behind him.]
FANNY. Vernon, where am I?
VERNON. At home, dear.
FANNY. Yes, but where?
VERNON. At Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. [Fanny sits down on the settee – drops down rather.] You’re not angry with me? You know how the world always talks in these cases. I wanted to be able to prove to them all that you married me for myself. Not because I was Lord Bantock. Can you forgive me?
FANNY [she still seems in a dream]. Yes – of course. You didn’t – you wouldn’t – [She suddenly springs up.] Vernon, you do love me? [She flings her arms round his neck.]
VERNON. Dear!
FANNY. You will never be ashamed of me?
VERNON. Dearest!
FANNY. I was only a music-hall singer. There’s no getting over it, you know.
VERNON. I should have loved you had you been a beggar-maid.
FANNY [she still clings to him]. With an uncle a costermonger, and an aunt who sold matches. It wouldn’t have made any difference to you, would it? You didn’t marry me for my family, did you? You didn’t, did you?
VERNON. Darling! I married you because you are the most fascinating, the most lovable, the most wonderful little woman in the world. [Fanny gives a sob.] As for your family – I’ve got a confession to make to you, dear. I made inquiries about your family before I proposed to you. Not for my own sake – because I knew I’d have to answer a lot of stupid questions. It seemed to me quite a good family.
FANNY. It is! Oh, it is! There never was such a respectable family. That’s why I never could get on with them.
VERNON [laughing]. Well, you haven’t got to – any more. We needn’t even let them know —
Bennet returns.
BENNET. Robert I find has returned. It is ten minutes to seven.
VERNON. Thanks. Well, I shall be glad of a bath. [He turns to Fanny.] Bennet will send your maid to you. [He whispers to her.] You’ll soon get used to it all. As for the confounded family – we will forget all about them. [Fanny answers with another little stifled sob. Bennet is drawing the curtains, his back to the room. Vernon, seeing that Bennet is occupied, kisses the unresponsive Fanny and goes out.]
At the sound of the closing of the door, Fanny looks up. She goes to the door through which Vernon has just passed, listens a moment, then returns. Bennet calmly finishes the drawing of the curtains. Then he, too, crosses slowly till he and Fanny are facing one another across the centre of the room.
FANNY. Well, what are you going to do?
BENNET. My duty!
FANNY. What’s that? Something unpleasant, I know. I can bet my bottom dollar.
BENNET. That, my girl, will depend upon you.
FANNY. How upon me?
BENNET. Whether you prove an easy or a difficult subject. To fit you for your position, a certain amount of training will, I fancy, be necessary.
FANNY. Training! I’m to be – [She draws herself up.] Are you aware who I am?
BENNET. Oh yes. And who you were. His lordship, I take it, would hardly relish the discovery that he had married his butler’s niece. He might consider the situation awkward.
FANNY. And who’s going to train me?
BENNET. I am. With the assistance of your aunt and such other members of your family as I consider can be trusted.
FANNY [for a moment she is speechless, then she bursts out]. That ends it! I shall tell him! I shall tell him this very moment. [She sweeps towards the door.]
BENNET. At this moment you will most likely find his lordship in his bath.
FANNY. I don’t care! Do you think – do you think for a moment that I’m going to allow myself – I, Lady Bantock, to be – [Her hand upon the door.] I shall tell him, and you’ll only have yourself to blame. He loves me. He loves me for myself. I shall tell him the whole truth, and ask him to give you all the sack.
BENNET. You’re not forgetting that you’ve already told him once who you were?
[It stops her. What she really did was to leave the marriage arrangements