The Way to myself. Андрей Алексеев
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There was hardly anything I hadn’t tried! I attended different workshops, studied everything that could catch my attention or give me a hint of a hope to find the answers to the most important questions. I tried everything I had met in my way. Everything the consumer’s world could offer – expensive or cheap, extreme or safe, classic or exotic…
All those things were done for one and only one reason: to feel happy, to find a new source of joy and inspiration. Nevertheless, days went by, – and the feeling of boredom came. Everything I’d used to love – skiing, yachts, parties – sooner or later stopped grasping any of my interest.
WHERE HAS MY HAPPINESS GONE? WHERE IS THE LOVE AND JOY WHICH USED TO BE WITH ME SINCE CHILDHOOD? WHO AM I? WHAT WAS I BORN FOR? WHAT SHOULD I DO IN THIS WORLD?
These questions didn’t let go of me. I was struggling, but I couldn’t find any answers yet. Also, I understood that I’d lost my freedom. Me, a person who values his freedom more than anything else, gave it up to his own business and entertainment. I lost myself in the lifestyle I used to live those days.
My feeling of disappointment worsened, taking me down to a new personal crisis. Some would ask: “What else do you need?! You’ve got a stable business, a nice family, a wife and a child… Everything seems to be great!” That was what my life seemed to be like from an observer’s point of view, but there was emptiness inside.
Needless to say, my disappointment affected all and each sphere in my life, demolishing them. The first line to be hit were my relationships with my closest ones, as I brought that annoyance and disappointment home. Though, my family which I wished could become my new support, didn’t save me from my inner pain.
In all honesty, one day I just stopped feeling what was going on in my own home. I started fighting with my wife more often. Once I had a huge fight with Marina right after coming back home from a yacht trip with my friends. So huge, that we decided to break up.
We lived apart for about a week. I had enough time to think about what my life had turned into. Those days the thought I could lose my family came to my mind for the first time. Meanwhile, it was absolutely clear that Marina didn’t want that and she was dreaming about our happy family life together. It was me and no one else, as if I were trapped in a dark labyrinth, trying to escape from it without knowing where the exit was.
MY WILL TO DO THINGS HAD ALL BUT LEFT. I HAD NEITHER POWER, NOR WISH TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL. THAT WAS THE DEAD END.
I COULDN’T LIVE THAT WAY ANYMORE. THERE WAS A NEED TO CHANGE MY LIFE, TO LIVE SOME DIFFERENT WAY… BUT WHAT DID THAT “DIFFERENT” MEAN?
That’s when there was a huge change in my mind. Maybe, the most important one. I started getting that if you want to escape from a dead end, you need to totally change your life.
A twist of fate
I started going to church, reading spiritual literature, visiting shrines, doing pilgrimages to holy places. I needed, I thought, to try that as well. Maybe, that was a way of escaping the reality and passions I used to live in. Anyways, I started acquiring a deeper interest in such activities. I started reading the Bible, prayers, stories about the saints, and about people who had a pure spirit. In those holy places, the places of power, I felt calm.
My main discovery that time was understanding that “yes, the way I live is wrong”. It occurred that there are some major rules of the world, which I was breaking by ignorance… And with my usual passion and self-commitment, I commonly put to sports and business, I dived into self-development. Just like a stranger who’s just got back from a desert, I was consuming that new knowledge thirstily and couldn’t quite quench my thirst.
I studied the rules of healthy family relationships and the rules of eating healthy. I was interested in each and every sphere of life, and I tried to check everything on my own.
I’d say that was the first time ever when I believed that despite the well-known material world, there is another, spiritual one, which is higher and purer. And that world is just as real as the matter surrounding me.
Even though I studied diverse holy texts, I couldn’t understand: how were these ancient truths be connected to my own life? I found no answers in conversations with priests.
Once my wife suggested I try yoga. I didn’t know much about that, but I agreed: anyways, that was something new and interesting! I visited a class and was impressed. For the first time in several years, I finally felt better: relaxed, calm, easy.
Later on, thanks to yoga, body and breath exercises, my physical and mental states started changing for the better. I began studying that practice deeper. And even though I didn’t understand the full depth of it, I continued.
When my friends invited me to visit the Himalayas, I agreed. By that moment it seemed I had already visited everywhere: America, many countries in Europe and Asia, but I hadn’t been to India yet.
The country looked strange to me. Everywhere was poor and dirty, but the eyes of the citizens were somehow happy. “How come?” – I thought. “How can you be happy living in such conditions?”
So, we got to Rishikesh. Got some rest and went to the mountains. We reached the height of 3,500 meters to a holy place there. And, all of a sudden, I got an awkward feeling that I was in a jelly – that the space around me was dense and tough. That’s the way a crystal purity shows itself. And that actual purity was squeezing me out of myself. I’d even say it kicked me out – that’s how hard it was to stay in that place.
UNEXPECTEDLY, I UNDERSTOOD HOW MUCH DIRT AND SLAG THERE WAS IN MY BODY. I SAW THAT MY MIND IS, ACTUALLY, AN OVERWHELMED COMPUTER, WHICH HADN’T HAD ANY FREE SPACE FOR ANYTHING NEW FOR A LONG TIME.
I felt so bad, that I couldn’t walk forward anymore, fell behind, and finally went back to the place where we started.
For the next several days I felt literally ill, physically feeling worse, I’d say, than ever before: sickness, vomiting, all the body was just turning inside out… The only thing that was clear was: that it wasn’t a normal illness, but a physical cleansing. I realized – it was high time to change my life starting with food.
After I came back from the trip, I quit alcohol and meat, and started paying more attention to my health. The first months, of course, it was tough – I had to change too much in myself. Though, I got reassured that after making a decision, a man can break almost any unhealthy habit. Right, it will be hard for some time, but if you don’t surrender, after just a couple of months you will feel much better. And after a year, you’ll forget that there was a time when you were addicted to alcohol, slept late, loved fatty foods, and didn’t move much…
The main aim I had after coming back from India was cleansing – first, my physical body, then my mind, and finally – all the spheres of my life. I remember the first 3 days without food. Later, I fasted periodically, drank some herbal essences and curative tonics. I expanded both the intensity and length of my yoga exercises.
Though, all in all, I didn’t quite understand which direction I should take for my development and what I should actually do. What is that path which suits me? Thousands of sources were speaking about something that seemed to be the same, but the puzzle pieces didn’t fit in my mind. “It’d be great to find a person, who would become my teacher, a guide to the spiritual world,” – I thought those days.
One day, while discussing our monthly plan with a marketer I asked her a common question: “How are you?” As an answer, she shared her feelings about visiting a yoga-seminar, which took place on the lake Teletskoye. In her story, I felt (even more than heard), – there was something really important for me. That was an interesting feeling: listening to another person, telling a story, I literally saw the images, emotions and energy given by a process I had never taken a part in. When my colleague started describing a master, leading the seminar, I felt an immediate response inside: “that’s what I need!”
I asked the employee to organize the same workshop for us. We gathered a group – and went with Maksim (the trainer) to Sri-Lanka.
That’s how we dived into the amazing nature of the island. We did breath and physical practices, relaxed and listened