This Heart of Mine. Brenda Novak
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asked.
“I feel...weird,” Jacob replied.
He looked sullen and unhappy. “Weird in what way?” Riley could guess, since he was so conflicted himself, but he felt it was important to get his son to talk to him about Phoenix. It hadn’t been easy to become a father at eighteen. Other than the help he’d received early on from his parents while he was commuting to college three days a week, he’d raised Jacob alone.
But Riley had a feeling that he was facing a much more formidable challenge now. He didn’t want Phoenix back in his life or his son’s, didn’t want to cope with all the old questions and doubts.
“I met my mother for the first time a few minutes ago, and I can’t decide how I should feel about her.”
Because he had no frame of reference. Riley hadn’t even given Jacob the many letters she’d sent, other than a handful of the less emotional ones. In his mind, he’d been protecting his son, hoping she’d move on and just leave them alone when she was eventually released. But if she was innocent, maybe standing between her and Jake had only hurt them both.
If so, that was a lot to feel responsible for.
“It’ll take a while to adjust,” he told Jacob.
“How would you feel if you were me?” his son asked. “Do you think she killed Lori Mansfield?”
The light turned green and Riley gave the truck some gas. Jacob had asked this question several times over the years, but Riley had always been able to say he wasn’t sure and leave it at that. Phoenix hadn’t ever been present in Jacob’s life, so Jacob hadn’t pushed the issue. But with her back home, he needed a more definitive answer.
“She wasn’t herself when all of that happened,” Riley said.
Jacob leaned forward to look into his face. “What does that mean? Are you saying yes or no?”
Riley had no idea whether she’d killed Lori. He only knew that everyone else insisted she must have, and the scenario created at her trial seemed logical. Lori was the girl he’d started dating right after Phoenix, and Phoenix had acted terribly jealous. “I’m saying she became a little...intense after I broke up with her.”
He’d often relied on her erratic behavior during that time as a reason to withhold another one of her letters.
“She could have done it.”
“Yes.”
The expression on his son’s face made it clear he didn’t like that answer. “But ‘could have’ isn’t proof!”
“There were witnesses, Jake.”
“Who saw her behind the wheel! She admits she was driving.”
“Penny Sawyer was a witness.”
“The friend she told us about? Penny, the one who might’ve grabbed the wheel?”
“Penny had no motive.”
His scowl deepened. “How come I don’t know any Penny Sawyer?”
“She moved away after the trial.”
“Why?”
“Because she’d graduated from high school, so she left for college like almost everyone else.”
“You didn’t leave for college.”
“I went to UC Davis three days a week because it’s only an hour away, and I had you. I wanted to be able to come home at night and take care of you. My situation was different, not hers.”
Jacob didn’t respond right away, but he didn’t sound any more convinced when he did. “Has she ever returned?”
“Not to my knowledge.”
“That’s unusual, isn’t it?”
“Not if her family relocated during those four years, which they did. She had no reason to come back here.”
“She could’ve lied about what happened.”
“Or Phoenix is lying. Like I said, she wasn’t in the best frame of mind when Lori was killed.”
“So her frame of mind clinches the deal? Makes her guilty? Or did my mom go to prison just because she was heartbroken and jealous? She was pregnant at eighteen, with no one to turn to except a weird mother she was embarrassed by—a mother who couldn’t really do anything to help, anyway. From what I’ve seen of that grandma, you were the most normal thing Mom ever had in her life. Of course she’d try to grab on to you. She probably felt like she was drowning. And you were the one who got her pregnant.”
The fact that she’d been a virgin until he came along still made Riley feel ashamed of breaking up with her the way he had. But he hadn’t known she was pregnant when he told her he didn’t want to see her anymore. He’d only been acting on the advice—the insistence—of his parents. They’d been so positive that he was about to ruin his life by getting involved with a girl who wasn’t worthy of him they’d threatened not to pay for college if he didn’t listen.
“I wasn’t there that day,” Riley reiterated. “I can’t say what happened.”
“You must believe something deep inside.”
Riley wished his heart told him she was guilty. Then everything would be simple; he could condemn her without reservation. But...damn all the doubts. He’d always wrestled with them, as well as the question of how much involvement he should allow her to have in Jacob’s life. He’d been trying to act in the best interests of his son. His parents agreed with keeping her as far away from Jacob as possible. In the beginning, they were the ones who’d suggested it.
But had he done the right thing?
“I don’t know what to believe,” he admitted. “I hope she didn’t serve seventeen years for a crime she didn’t commit.”
“You’d rather believe she’s a murderer?” Jacob broke in, pushing him to commit himself one way or the other.
Riley gripped the steering wheel tighter. “No, of course not. There are no for-sure answers in this, that’s all. Trust me, if there were, I would’ve found them. I’ve nearly driven myself crazy with all the wondering and the second-guessing.”
“You helped put her away.”
He shot his son a glance that let him know he didn’t appreciate being reminded of that. He’d only spoken the truth when he testified about her incessant phone calls and her attempts to get back with him. But the last thing he wanted to believe was that she might have been wrongly punished and he’d had a hand in making that happen. “The DA put me on the stand. It wasn’t my choice.” He’d cared enough about her to want to stay out of the whole mess.
Jacob knocked his head against the passenger window. “God, I hate this! I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of everyone watching to see what I’m going to do now. Part of me wants to go on with my life and pretend she doesn’t exist. We’ve made it this far without her, right? But...if she’s not evil, I don’t see why I can’t have a mother.”
Riley sighed. He’d screwed up so badly when he’d gotten involved with Phoenix.
Or...maybe not. He loved Jacob too much to regret those six weeks. And it was hard to regret them for a different reason—he’d never had another girlfriend with whom he’d felt such an immediate and solid connection. He’d dated plenty of women who were more “suitable,” especially since then. But he had yet to find someone who was as engaging as Phoenix had been.
“I liked her,” Jacob said without being prompted, his voice sulky. He obviously hadn’t expected softening his heart to be such a temptation. Maybe he even resented it.
“I can see why. She was very nice at breakfast.”
“That’s