CHAPTER SIX

      I

      Jake did not have much to say on the way to the airport. In fact, he was not only silent but rather glum. In contrast, I was brimming with thoughts, theories and comments, and desperately wanted to talk to him. But in the end I remained silent, deeming it wiser to hold my tongue for the moment.

      It was obvious to me that he didn’t want to talk about Tony and Fiona, or Rory and Moira either, with whom he had spent a lot of time at the lunch. Nor did he want to discuss that lunch, which we had just left, or the memorial service of earlier. I didn’t blame him. Everything had become as painful for Jake as it had for me, or so I believed.

      Heathrow was as busy as it always was, crowded with people, and as we pushed our way through the bustling throng heading for all corners of the world, I got the distinct feeling Jake couldn’t wait to get back to Paris. I hurried along next to him, hauling my one piece of luggage, a fold-over bag which had travelled the world with me.

      ‘Hey, honey, let me help you with your stuff,’ he suddenly said, becoming aware of the difficulties I was having with the large hold-all slung over one shoulder.

      ‘I can manage, Jake. Please don’t worry, you’ve enough to carry of your own,’ I replied, but I was still struggling, and before I could protest further he grabbed the fold-over bag out of my hands.

      ‘I’m sorry, Val, I should have carried this for you all along. No excuse for me, except that I’ve been preoccupied.’ He gave me a faint smile, and finished, ‘I’ve been very neglectful.’

      ‘Please, it’s okay!’ I exclaimed. ‘I’m a strong, tough girl who can carry her own luggage and take care of herself in any situation.’

      Staring down at me, he gave me an odd look, and muttered, ‘I’m not so sure about that, Kid.’

      I didn’t answer. I simply trotted along next to him, trying to keep up with his long strides. After a second or two I remarked, ‘Anyway, I know what you mean about being preoccupied. I’m on overload myself at the moment.’

      He nodded, gave me a swift glance and said, ‘Yes, you are. Emotional overload. The point is, we’re both top-heavy with a lot of crap, a lot of disturbing and conflicting feelings. I just need to clear my head, Val, so that I can look at…things as clearly as possible.’

      ‘I understand,’ I answered, ‘and I realize now is not the right time to talk, since we’re rushing through an airport like maniacs, trying to make a plane. But we should sit down and chat, Jake. We need to understand about Tony and Fiona. Whenever you want, but we really must do it,’ I insisted.

      When he made no response whatsoever, I eyed him worriedly, and pressed, ‘At the lunch you said we’d talk later, remember? We have to make sense out of Tony’s behaviour, you know.’

      ‘I guess we do,’ he muttered, and his face became closed, his mouth grimly set. He plunged ahead, making for the gate, deftly handling our luggage.

      I sighed under my breath. So much for that illuminating conversation, I muttered to myself, and ran after him to board the plane to Paris.

      II

      The flight across the English Channel was short, just over an hour, and I spent most of that time wondering why Jake was still so silent, wrapped up in his own thoughts. I’d tried to make small talk with him to no avail. He barely responded, seemed reluctant to say anything at all. And when he did reply to the odd question or comment of mine, his answers were brief and to the point.

      If I didn’t know better I would have said he was being sulky, but that wasn’t his nature. Jake was not a moody man, nor was he temperamental, and like me he was usually on an even keel. Quite aside from that, I always thought of him as being straightforward, honest and dependable. The salt of the earth: and my best friend, the one I relied on.

      His quietness, his unexpected reserve, puzzled me a bit, and I wondered if something else was bothering him, other than Tony Hampton. But perhaps not.

      Now I stole a look at him. His head was thrown back against the plane seat and his eyes were closed, but even in repose his expression was troubled. His mouth had relaxed, but there was a tautness in his face, a tenseness in his body, even though he dozed. Poor Jake, I thought, I’ve put him through hell these past few weeks since Tony’s death. I suddenly felt very guilty about that. We had both loved Tony in our different ways, and losing him had traumatized us. We had tried to help each other along, commiserating with each other, while continuing to miss him.

      But as of today we had a different Tony Hampton to contemplate and contend with, a Tony much less noble, a man without honour, as far as I was concerned.

      I asked myself why I had never realized that, never spotted this flaw in him? I prided myself on my integrity, and I found it hard to relate to those who lacked this quality. My grandfather had always held integrity very dear, and he had drilled its importance into me, reminding me about the value of honour, honesty, trustworthiness and decency. I have tried to live by Grandfather’s rules and standards and I believe I have succeeded.

      Once, long ago, my little slug of a brother Donald had told me that my standards were too high, that I expected too much from people, that no one could live up to my highfalutin expectations, going on to inform me that the world was full of rotten people. ‘And most people are rotten, whatever you think Val Denning,’ he had exploded, his rage spilling over. ‘They stink. They cheat, they steal, they lie. They commit adultery, and murder, and they’re shit! Yes, the whole world is full of shitty people, and the sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be.’

      I had gaped at him in astonishment at the time, wondering what rock he had crawled out from under, and then I had turned away in disgust. Over the years I had constantly endeavoured to avoid these confrontations with my brother as best I could, but I hadn’t always succeeded. Ever since childhood I had loathed getting embroiled with him because he was so opinionated, and he never ever listened. I can’t remember now what had set Donald off that particular day, but whenever he started to rant I usually did a disappearing act.

      I suddenly remembered that Tony had also once said my standards were too high, and like Donald he had pointed out that very few people could live up to my expectations of them. I wondered now if he’d been thinking of himself that day. Of course I would never know; and the enigma of Tony would puzzle me for the rest of my life.

      III

      Jake suddenly awakened, stretched and turned to me. ‘Well, I’ve not been much company, have I, Val?’ He made a face. ‘Sorry about that, honey, but I felt bushed when we got on the plane. I just had to grab a bit of sleep.’

      I