Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. Barbara Angelis De
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in derogatory terms, putting ourselves down for the slightest mistake, and therefore appearing not to like ourselves very much.
“I can’t believe how stupid I was to forget about your business meeting tonight. Sometimes I just can’t seem to remember anything.”
“My boss said he was happy with my report, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I got kind of confused about the financial projections and didn’t really know what I was talking about.”
“I’m so upset about how fat I am getting. Would you look at this cellulite?”
2. We argue with men when they attempt to pay us a compliment and we act as if we want to talk them out of their positive opinion of us.
“Really? You like this dress? Why, it’s two years old. I really don’t think the style is that flattering, but I wanted to get some wear out of it. Thanks anyway.”
“Oh, honey, planning the surprise party for you was really nothing. I mean, it didn’t take that much time, and I had help. You don’t have to make such a fuss over it.”
“You enjoyed my presentation? Well, actually, I felt kind of rushed since I was the last person to speak, and I wasn’t sure if my facts would be well received. I think everyone was just relieved that the meeting was over – that’s why I got all that applause.”
3. We hide our talents and accomplishments from the men in our life.
Sondra was a perfect example of a woman who makes Mistake #4. She’d been married to Greg for seven years, and was an expert at making herself appear to be less competent and intelligent than he was. “Greg likes to feel like he’s in charge,” Sondra confided to me in a soft voice, “so I guess you could say I have always downplayed myself from the time we first started dating.” Sondra was understating the facts – the truth was, she’d never even told Greg that she’d finished college with honors and had earned a scholarship to graduate school. He had no idea that she spoke fluent French, or that she’d been invited to work for a very successful French businessman in Paris before she’d met him. Sondra “neglected” to tell Greg these things about herself because, as she put it, “they’re really not that important anymore.”
Ellen, 37, and her husband, Andy, 39, were a two-career couple. Andy was an investment counselor for a large brokerage firm, and Ellen was in charge of public relations for a clothing manufacturer. They came to me for counseling after noticing some difficulties in their marriage. “I don’t feel like Andy really appreciates me the way he should,” Ellen complained. “I work as hard as he does, but we always seem to discuss his problems and not mine.”
“It’s true, we do spend more time talking about my job,” Andy replied, “but I suppose that’s because my work is more complex than yours.” Naturally Ellen was furious when she heard her husband making his job the more important of the two.
I talked with Ellen and Andy for a while until I discovered the source of the problem. Ellen was making Mistake #4 – constantly hiding her accomplishments from Andy and downplaying the importance of her work in order to make him feel more important. Of course, she wasn’t doing this consciously. It was a habit she’d developed from growing up as the smarter, older sister to a younger brother, and always being told by her parents, “Now Ellen, don’t you go telling Jonathan how well you did in school this semester - you know he’s having trouble with his grades.”
Ellen continued this same behavior with her husband. She never let him know about the important clients she was assigned to meet and work with; she neglected to tell him how well respected she was by her peers; and she rarely shared her dreams and goals for the future with him. “No wonder I don’t feel appreciated by Andy,” Ellen admitted after hearing about Mistake #4. “I haven’t been appreciating myself, and how could he even know how terrific I am if I hide it from him?”
There are millions of us like Ellen and Sandy – competent, talented, hard-working women who don’t know how to celebrate their magnificence with the men in their lives.
WHY WE COVER UP OUR EXCELLENCE AND COMPETENCE
“Always let the boy win if you play games together. That way, he’ll like you more.”
“Don’t act too smart around men, or they won’t want to take you out. You have to build them up, and make them feel smarter than you.”
AS WOMEN, WE’VE BEEN CONDITIONED TO MAKE OUR MEN LOOK AND FEEL SMARTER AND BETTER THAN WE ARE IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT THEY WILL LOVE US
We go into relationships with a belief that if we look too good to a man, he won’t want to be with us, and so we work hard to make him look better than he is, and to make ourselves look worse than we are.
“Now Susie, I’m glad that you got all As on your report card, but I wouldn’t tell too many people about it. It isn’t nice to brag, and girls must be modest.”
“Ginny, don’t stare at yourself in the mirror like that. It isn’t ladylike to think too highly of yourself. Girls who are too proud are unpopular.”
I remember my mother telling me when I was still in junior high school that the more successful and accomplished I became, the more people would be jealous of me, the less friends I’d have, and that I should be careful not to intimidate people with my talents. Like all mothers, she meant well, and I can’t say that I haven’t experienced some of these reactions in my life. But she was just passing down a self-deprecating philosophy that her mother had taught her, and that so many of us learned growing up. A woman shouldn’t look too good – it’s not feminine or attractive.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO BE “NICE GIRLS,” WOMEN HIDE THEIR MAGNIFICENCE
WHY HIDING YOUR COMPETENCE DOESN’T WORK
1. Hiding your competence kills the passion in your relationship. When we diminish our accomplishments and hide our excellence from the men in our lives, we think we’re going to make ourselves less threatening and therefore more attractive to the man we love, but in reality, the opposite occurs:
MEN ARE TURNED ON BY COMPETENCE AND TURNED OFF BY WEAKNESS
Men love competence in women. They are trained to be competent themselves, and recognizing it in someone else makes them feel attracted to that person. During my research for this book, I interviewed hundreds of men, and almost all of them agreed that a woman who exudes self-confidence is very appealing. The men respect these women and take them more seriously.
Here’s the irony – women think that hiding their magnificence and acting humble is going to get a man to love them more, when the truth is, this kind of behavior kills the passion in the relationship.
2. When you are in the habit of hiding your competence from men, you end up hiding it from yourself as well. The saying “out of sight, out of mind” definitely holds true for Mistake #4. The more you minimize your accomplishments to others, the less you remember them yourself, until eventually you lose touch with your own magnificence.
THE SOLUTION: HOW TO STOP COVERING UP YOUR COMPETENCE
1. Make a list of all of your talents, abilities, honors, accomplishments, and good qualities,