The Secret of Happy Children: A guide for parents. Steve Biddulph
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in the face. ‘Because I say so’ is a good enough reason some of the time. But there is nothing ever to be gained by needlessly scaring them. ‘When your father gets home…’ ‘You’ll make me so sick I’ll have to go away…’ ‘We’ll put you into a home…’ are the kinds of messages that harm and haunt even tough children. We are their main source of information early on, and later our credibility is put to the test (since they have or will have other sources to compare us with). Our job is to give them a realistic, even slightly rosy picture of the world – which they can build on as they go, and so become hardy and secure on the inside. When they encounter trickiness or dishonesty later in life, they will at least know that this isn’t completely the way of the world, that some people are trustworthy, and safe to be around – Mum and Dad included.
Why do parents put children down?
At this point, you could be feeling guilty about the way that you speak to your own children. Please don’t get these ideas out of perspective. There is a lot that can be done to overcome old programming whether your children are still little or even if they are now adults.
The first step is to begin understanding yourself, to know why put-downs became part of your parenting in the first place. Almost every parent is guilty of unnecessary put-downs from time to time. There are three main reasons for this.
1. You say what was said to you!
You weren’t taught about parenting in school: you had to start from scratch when your children were born and work it out for yourself. But you did have one clear example to work from – your own parents.
I’m sure you’ve found yourself in a heated moment yelling out and then thinking, ‘Good grief, that’s what my parents used to say to me and I hated it!’ Those old tape recordings are your ‘automatic pilot’, however, and it takes presence of mind and practice to react in ways you really prefer.
Some parents, of course, go to the other extreme. With painful memories of the way in which they were raised, they swear never to scold, hit or deprive their own children. The danger here is that they may overdo it, and their children suffer from a lack of control. It isn’t easy, is it?
2. You just thought it was the right thing to do!
It was once thought that kids were basically bad, and the thing to do was to tell them how bad they were. This would shame them into being better!
Perhaps you were brought up in this way. As a parent you simply hadn’t thought about self-esteem or the need to help children gain confidence. If so, I hope that what you are reading has changed your mind. Now that you realise how put-downs damage children, I’m sure you’ll be keen to stop using them.
When money is short, or you are overworked, lonely or bored, or because being at home isn’t enough for you, then you are much more likely to be destructive in what you say to kids.
3. You are down on your own reserves
The reasons for this are clear. When we are pressured in any way we build up a body tension which needs discharging. It actually does feel good to lash out at someone, in words or actions.
Children suffer because they are easier to get angry with than your spouse, boss, landlord, or whomever. It’s important to think it through: I feel so tense! Who am I really angry with?
The relief of lashing out is short-lived since the child is likely to behave even more badly as a result but at the time it feels like a release.
If this happens, it is vitally important that you find a safe way to let off steam.
Tension can be dissipated in two ways:
1) by vigorous action, such as hitting a mattress, doing some vigorous work, going for a brisk walk. This is no small matter – many a child’s life has been saved by being shut in its bedroom while a distraught parent walks for miles as a means of calming down;
2) by dissolving the tension through talking with a friend, finding affection from a partner (if you’re fortunate enough to have one) or through some activity such as yoga, sport or massage that releases tension out of your body.
Eventually, as a parent, you must learn to care for yourself as much as for your children. You actually do more for your kids by spending some time each day on your own (your health, your relaxation) than by being totally devoted to serving them.
So, that’s the end of the bad news. The rest of this book is about how to do it the easier way! It is possible to change, and many parents have told me that just hearing about these ideas at a meeting or on the radio has helped them immediately.
Already while you’ve been reading, your ideas have been changing. You’ll find that, without even trying, your behaviour with your children will start to be easier and more positive. I promise!
THE WAY YOU SAY IT – POSITIVE WORDING MAKES COMPETENT KIDS
It’s not only praise or put-downs that determine a child’s level of confidence. There are some other important ways we program our kids – particularly by the way we give instructions and commands – in a negative or positive choice of words.
As adults, we guide our own behaviour and feelings by ‘self-talk’, the chatter that goes on inside our heads. (‘Better not forget to get petrol’, ‘Oh geez I forgot my purse, I must be getting senile’ etc.) Psychologists are amazed at the differences between how healthy, happy people, and unwell or distressed people, talk to themselves mentally. Self-talk is learned directly from your parents or teachers. With your own kids then, it’s a great chance to put in all sorts of positive and useful data, which your child can internalise – a comfortable and encouraging part of themselves for life.
Children learn how to guide and organise themselves internally, from the way we guide and organise them with our words, so it pays to be positive. For example, we can say to a child, ‘For goodness sake don’t get into any fights at school today!’ or we can say ‘I want you to have a good time at school and only play with the kids you like’.
Why should such a small thing make a difference? It’s all in the way the human mind works. If someone offered you a million dollars not to think of a blue monkey for two minutes – you wouldn’t be able to do it (try it now if you don’t believe us!). If a child is told ‘Don’t fall out of the tree’, then they have to think two things: ‘Don’t’ and ‘fall out of the tree’. Because we used those words, they automatically create this picture. What we think, we automatically rehearse. (Imagine biting hard into a lemon, and notice how you react just to the fantasy!) A child who is vividly imagining falling out of a tree is much more likely to do so. Far better to use positive wording: ‘Hold on to the tree carefully’, ‘Keep your mind on what you’re doing’.
There are dozens of chances each day to get this right. Rather than say ‘Don’t run out into the traffic’, it’s easier and better to say ‘Stay on the footpath close to me’ – so that the child imagines what to do, and not what not to do.
Give kids clear instructions as to the right way to do things. Kids don’t always know how to be safe, so make your commands specific: ‘Tracey, hold on firmly to the side of the boat with both your hands’ is much more powerful than ‘Don’t you dare fall out’ or worse still ‘How do you think I’ll feel if you drown?’ The changes are small but the difference