The Complete Parenting Collection. Steve Biddulph
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the same for a while, then suddenly they appear to be changing overnight. And that’s only on the outside. On the inside, great changes are happening, too. But developing maturity and character aren’t as automatic as physical development; a boy can get stuck. Everyone knows at least one man who is large in body but small in mind or soul, who hasn’t developed as a mature person. Such men are everywhere – they might be a prime minister, a president or a tycoon, but you look at them and think, Yep, still a boy. And not a very nice one …
Boys don’t grow up well if you don’t help them. You can’t just shovel in cereal, provide clean T-shirts, and have them one day wake up as a man! A certain program has to be followed. The trick is to understand what is needed – and when.
Luckily, boys have been around for a very long time. Every society in the world has encountered the challenge of raising boys, and has come up with solutions. The three stages of boyhood are timeless and universal. Native Americans, Kalahari Bushmen and Inuit Eskimos all knew about these stages. When I talk about them to parents they say, ‘That’s right!’ because the stages match their experience.
The three stages at a glance
1 The first stage of boyhood is from birth to six – the span of time when the boy primarily belongs to his mother. He is ‘her’ boy, even though his father may play a very big role, too. The aim at this age is to give strong love and security, and to ‘switch a boy on’ to life as a warm and welcoming experience.
2 The second stage includes the years from six to fourteen – when the boy, out of his own internal drives, starts wanting to learn to be a man, and looks more and more to his father for interest and activity (although his mother remains very involved, and the wider world is beckoning, too). The purpose of this stage is to build competence and skill while also developing kindness and playfulness – you help him to become a balanced person. This is the age when a boy becomes happy and secure about being male.
3 Finally, the years from fourteen to adult – when the boy needs input from male mentors if he is to complete the journey to being fully grown-up. Mum and Dad step back a little, but they must organise some good mentors in their son’s life; if not, he will have to rely on an ill-equipped peer group for his sense of self. The aim is for your son to learn skills, responsibility and self-respect by joining more and more with the adult community.
These stages do not indicate a sudden or sharp shift from one parent to another.
It’s not like the mum stage, the dad stage and the mentor stage. For instance, an involved dad can do a huge amount from birth onwards, or even take the role a mother usually has if need be. And a mother doesn’t quit when a boy reaches six – quite the opposite. The stages indicate a shift in emphasis: the father ‘comes to the fore’ more from six to thirteen, and the importance of mentors increases from fourteen onwards. In a sense, it’s about adding new ingredients at each stage.
The three stages help us know what to do. For example, we know that fathers of boys from six to fourteen must not be just busy workaholics, or absent themselves emotionally or physically from the family. If they do, this will certainly damage their sons. (Yet most fathers of the twentieth century did just that – as many of us can remember from our own childhood.)
The stages tell us that we must look for extra help from the community when our sons are in their mid-teens – the role that used to be taken by extended family members (uncles and grandfathers) or by the tradesman-apprentice relationship. Too often, teenagers move outwards into the big world but no-one is there to catch them, and they spend their teens and early adulthood in a dangerous halfway stage, with only peers to depend on.
It’s a fair bet that many problems with boys’ behaviour – poor school motivation, depression, young men getting into strife with the law (drink-driving, fights, crime, etc.) – have escalated because we haven’t known about these stages and provided the right human ingredients at the right times.
The stages are so important that we must look at each of them in more detail and decide how to respond. That’s what we’ll do now.
From birth to six: the gentle years
Babies are babies. Whether they are a boy or girl is not a concern to them, and needn’t be to us, either. Babies love to be cuddled, to play, to be tickled and to giggle; to explore and to be swooshed around. Their personalities vary a lot. Some are easy to handle, quiet and relaxed, and sleep long hours. Others are noisy and wakeful, always wanting some action. Some are anxious and fretful, needing lots of reassurance that we are there and that we love them.
What all babies and toddlers need most is to form a special bond with at least one person. Usually this person is their mother. Partly because she is the one who is most willing and motivated, partly because she provides the milk, and partly because she tends to be cuddly, restful and soothing in her approach, a mother is usually the best equipped to provide what a baby needs. Her own hormones (especially prolactin, which is released into her bloodstream as she breastfeeds) prime her to want to be with her child and to give it her full attention.
Except for breastfeeding, dads can provide all a baby needs. But dads tend to do it differently: studies show them to be more vigorous in their playing – they like to stir children up, while mothers like to calm them down (although if fathers get as deprived of sleep as mothers sometimes do, they too will want to calm baby down!)
Gender differences begin to show
Some gender differences between boys and girls do begin to appear early on. Here are just a few discoveries researchers have made:
Boy babies are less aware of faces.
Girl babies have a much better sense of touch.
The retinas in the back of boys’ eyes are differently made, so they see more movement, and less colour and texture.
Boys grow faster and stronger, yet they are more troubled by separations from their mother.
Boys in toddlerhood move around more and occupy more space.
Boys like to handle and manipulate objects more, and build high buildings out of blocks, while girls prefer low-rise.
At preschool boys tend to ignore a new child who arrives in the group, while girls will notice and befriend him or her.
And sadly, adults tend to treat boys more harshly: studies have shown that parents hug and cuddle girl children far more, even as newborn babies. They tend to talk less to boy babies, and mothers of boys are likely to hit them harder and more often than they do girl children.
This is sad because boys need the very opposite, to be taught gentleness and shown lots of laughter and physical closeness.
Learning to love
If a mother is the main caregiver, a boy will see her as his first model for intimacy and love. If she builds this close bond, then from toddlerhood on – if she sets limits with her son firmly but without hitting or shaming him – he will take this in his stride. He will want to please her, and will be easier to manage because the attachment is so strong. He knows he