The Deep Whatsis. Peter Mattei
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hands, or is it a rolling of her eyes and a look of minory contempt? I can’t quite tell. I don’t say anything.
“Shall we do it now?” she then asks. And I say “Sure! Let’s do it! Let’s get it over with!” And then, “Ugh, what a life!” to which she says “Here we go!” with mock-ironic morbidness. Then she asks my assistant to call the copywriters, Dave and Bill.
Meanwhile I have mail, the usual stack of bubble-wrapped DVDs from production houses touting shitty directors—“Peter Rossi Shoots Kids!” as if that’s either funny or original—and I throw them all away immediately without even considering watching a single second of this crap. There is also an interoffice envelope which feels empty. I am about to open it when Dave and Bill arrive and see HR Lady there and immediately they know.
“I guess this is it,” one of them says with a forced chuckle. They always say that, to soften the humiliation, to own it, they always chuckle, as well they should. But I’m not concerned with Dave and Bill right now because I am too pissed off at the stupidity of my assistant who called both of them in at the same time. The rules of this are, according to the lawyers, that we can only fire one at a time, unless they are a team, and Dave and Bill are both copywriters and thus not a team. Meaning one of them, either Dave or Bill, we haven’t determined the order yet, is going to have to stand there while the other one gets the news in private. It’s humiliating, but on the other hand, the gyrations that I’ve put both of them through in the past few months were much more intense.
Dave, for example, is forty-six and his wife just had a child not more than two weeks ago. Disgusting, ugly little knot of fat, frightening really, and when I first saw the picture he e-mailed to the department I thought perhaps the child was a bird-headed dwarf, which sounds like something I made up but actually that’s a real medical term for a kind of mutation, or birth defect, related to but not entirely the same as being a pinhead. So I had my assistant, I suppose I should include her name here at some point, it’s Cheryl, or Cherie, and she is not as attractive as I’d hoped for, but it’s too late to say anything, I had Cheryl or Cherie send Dave and his wife a cute onesie and a bottle of champagne and a warm note from me personally. This could, of course, be interpreted in a number of ways, that it was part of my slow turning of the spit that Dave was curing on, since I had begun dropping hints that he was getting the boot months ago, or that I was gifting him out of guilt at what I knew was his fate. Bill, on the other hand, was single and homosexual, although he doesn’t admit this publicly, but no one whose shirt is that perfectly pressed and shrink-wrapped into his trousers could possibly be straight with the exception of myself. I had called Bill into my office around the same time I was dropping hints with Dave, and I told Bill he was going to get a big promotion and a sizable raise, I just had to get approval from the holding company. Every so often he would ask how that was going and I would tell him they had a salary freeze or something but not to worry. Since we had decided long ago to fire both of them on the same day I thought it would be an interesting juxtaposition to compare their reactions back to back. I mean this whole business is pure evil, why sugarcoat it? In fact, why not broadcast it?
When we finish terminating them, Damon and Terry stand hulkingly by the elevators with them, waiting to take their ride of shame down to the street, and HR Lady asks me if I want to go to lunch because there is something we need to discuss.
“I’m not hungry,” I say, thinking that it is strange I have no appetite since I haven’t eaten anything for three-point-five days now.
“What is it?”
She gets up and closes the door while I open the interoffice envelope in my hand. She immediately begins to talk about this new intern in the production department on eight when I pull a single sheet of paper from the envelope and look at it.
What’s a girl to do? Well, the sensible thing is to disappear. But some girls are not so sensible, are they? Some grrrls get so drunk they can’t remember things & then they get kicked out of the lair (so maddeningly rude & annoyingly kewt all at once) & then they try to stay in touch but that doesn’t work & then—life is strange & beautiful all at once is it not?—they go & get a new internship—where?—OMG what a coincidence!!!!
The printout is not signed. As I read it HR Lady is asking me if I have anything to say. “About what?” I ask. Then she says they didn’t know that the girl and I had a relationship prior to us taking her on as a production intern, and if they had they wouldn’t’ve hired her, but on her first day, which was yesterday, she comes to HR Lady and says she needs to divulge something of a personal nature for reasons of personal integrity, honesty, due diligence, and all around professionalism.
“A prior relationship?” I say as if I don’t know what the words mean.
“Yes.”
“A prior relationship with who?”
“With you.”
“She said she had a prior relationship with me? Like what did she mean by that?”
“Well she didn’t elaborate but I understood it to mean you had had some kind of …” And then she hesitates before sing-songing the word “liaison” in a lurid key.
I sit there for a few moments and consider my options. I had guessed she was capable of pulling some kind of stunt like this, and I had planned on getting rid of her anyway (can you fire someone who isn’t getting paid? I think you can) but she had trumped me, now it would be impossible to remove her because it would look like retribution, but if I had been able to fire her before she said anything about it, and then she said it after the fact, that would look like revenge on her part. Meanwhile I could lie and say nothing had ever happened between us, and everyone would believe me, or at least they would believe I had the upper hand, which would amount to the same thing. Besides, it was true, pretty much nothing had happened. All this to say: she is a smart girl.
“She was working at Unkindest Cuts, which is where I met her, and then I ran into her at a bar in Bushwick and she picked me up,” I say, leaving out the part where I asked her to go into the bathroom and do some coke with me and bought her round after round of Cîrocs and then a bottle of prosecco and poured her, as the expression goes, into a cab and peeled her shirt away when we got into my place where we made out before she barfed on my floor.
“And that’s the extent of it. I don’t even remember her name.”
“Seriously?” HR Lady says, with an expression that contained both contempt for my womanizing and, of course, admiration for it. “You don’t remember her name?”
“Is it Sarah? Saree? Marilyn? Something like that.”
“Didn’t you know how old she was?” HR asks. I don’t even honor the question with a look of feigned lack of understanding. Then HR Lady tells me that there’s nothing they can do but fulfill her internship for the summer and that I should perhaps just steer clear of the eighth floor for a while? OK, sure fine. But then:
“What did she say about me?”
“What do you mean what did she say about you?” HR says.
“I mean did she say she, like, had a thing for me?”
“No. Why? Are you saying she’s into you? Or, wait, you like her, is that it?”
I don’t bother to answer her, I just say “I’ll stay off eight. Promise you. Won’t ever step off the lift.” The less HR Lady knows about my theories regarding the dangers of this particular girl, the better. She nods, our business finished for today. But she doesn’t get up. She sighs and gives me a look. Is this her “Eric you should know better than to sleep with nineteen-year-olds” look, or is it her “Eric why are you wasting your time with nineteen-year-old girls when there are full-fledged women available to you, living breathing women sitting right in front of you” look? Or is it her “Fuck, dude, you are the Man” look? I don’t know and I don’t ask. She is making me extremely uncomfortable so I pretend to get an e-mail in my phone and I swipe at it and ignore her.
“They’ll be OK” she finally says, making it clear