Sex Tips for Straight Women From a Gay Man. Dan Anderson
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pretty much the same way. The skin on a circumcised erection will be very taut, which is why you’ll want to treat it gently; rubbing it too hard will make the skin sensitive and red. With an uncircumcised guy, you’ll hold the extra skin at the base while you’re working your manual magic and oral action. There are a few tricks you can try with the foreskin, too, such as licking and sucking on it, which are discussed in more detail later on.
So, you ask, what exactly does your new friend experience during sex? The first stage is arousal. You’ll have no trouble believing that men seem to get aroused at just about anything. During arousal, and this may be before you even see the penis, the pulse and breathing rate will increase, and Mr. Softee will fill up and become Mr. Stiffy. The entire shaft and head usually become larger, and the head becomes especially sensitive. Our polls show men split about evenly when it comes to their most sensitive spot. For some guys, it’s on the top part of the head, the part that would be facing his stomach if he were lying down. Others say that the section on the underside, just below the rim of the head, is their secret superspot.
Why men get erections at inappropriate times is another matter altogether. Sometimes, boxer shorts just hit the right—or wrong—way and the next thing a guy knows he’s sitting in Starbucks with a cappuccino and a woody. Every man in the world remembers being in junior high with a hard-on, nervously eyeing the clock and knowing that class will be over in three very short minutes, with no deflation in sight. Women may never know just how often this happens to men, but it’s a never-ending problem. In fact, this could be the reason why men often seem distracted in the middle of a conversation. One minute they’re listening closely to your latest business strategy, and the next, all they can think about is how they can stand up without Mr. Stiffy pitching a tent right into their Caesar salad.
Way back when, when Danny was a host in a restaurant and gentlemen customers would unabashedly flirt with him to get a good table, this used to happen to him all the time. Luckily, the restaurant had huge menus that he could hold at the right angle to cover up any embarrassing bulges, and he just prayed that it would go away by the time he reached the table. “I need a menu” became a much-used euphemism around the restaurant, which was especially loved by our friend Laurie, who was fond of popping up at the host stand during the lunch rush and asking if Danny needed a menu. Somehow, she always knew when he did.
The next stage after arousal is big, bigger, biggest. Mr. Stiffy will become his absolute stiffest and tallest, and the ridge around the head will get bigger and extra sensitive, too. This is when you’ll want to be careful not to overdo it, unless you’re into very brief sexual encounters. One way to tell if your guy is close to orgasm is to check out his balls. If they look tight and are close to the shaft, then that means he’s pretty close. If they’re way up, that means he may be at “the point of no return,” and there’s no turning back. The big, bigger, biggest phase can be long or short. We suggest paying attention to other parts of his body in between manual and oral action, so that you’re not left watching the evening news afterward, when you were planning to watch the late, late show.
As one nears orgasm, the heart and breathing rates increase rapidly, and muscles will tense up. Like women, men climax in little contractions, about eight of them to be exact, according to a friend of ours in medical school, and around one second apart. Ejaculation can be accompanied by any variety of responses. We’ve seen laughers, criers, screamers, guys who whinny like a horse, and more. Some guys tremble involuntarily, some hardly make a peep. Danny says he’s been known to laugh during climax, and some guys get all paranoid and stuff, asking what’s so funny? Whatever your guy does, you’ll want to be warm and encouraging. Hug him if he seems to want it; kisses immediately after climax can be tough, because you’ll both be breathing pretty heavily. One final tip: Do not grab it right after climax, because Mr. Stiffy will be so crazed, wild and sensitive that he can barely be touched. We have one friend who says that he actually likes his penis to be held after climax, but he’s an oddball. So don’t do it, unless you want to risk having your hand slapped harder than Sister Mary Agnes used to do at Holy Name High.
We’re not exactly sure why not all orgasms are the toe-tingling, body-rocking, volcanic eruptions that all men dream about. The fact is that these do happen, but not always. We definitely believe that it has to do with how long foreplay and other forms of stimulation are involved. The longer the action, the stronger the reaction. Keep in mind that men can toss off in about three minutes, but their toes won’t be tingling. Now that you’re starting to think more like a gay man, you should go for the toe tingle every time. You’ll have the confidence of knowing that you were the best thing in bed he’s ever had and, remember, it’s the toe-tingler that gets the tennis bracelet, and we know you’ve got room in your jewelry box for lots of those.
How there can be so many shapes and sizes of penises is a mystery or nature. Be prepared to see some that veer off to the side like a banana, some that are thicker at the bottom than at the top, long and skinny ones, short and fat ones, ones with hair at the base of the shaft, and a staggering variety of head shapes. Head shapes are probably affected by circumcision. One guy Danny knows must have had a gay circumciser, since the head of his penis flares out with a baroque flourish at the ridge. The same thing goes for color; some get very red, but some stay the same color as when they are flaccid. If you’re having sex with a white guy using a cock ring, don’t be alarmed if Mr. Stiffy turns a deep crimson. Though less noticeable, perhaps, black guys using a ring change color, too—a shade that resembles Chanel’s Very Vamp.
While most penises have some nice qualities to recommend them, we have to admit that some are just plain gross to look at. In this case, you’re going to have to keep the lights out, close your eyes and just imagine that the thing you’re about to go down on is a perfectly rendered Renaissance sculpture, and not the twisted, knotty reality that’s actually in front of your face. And remember, if a guy’s thing is gross, he knows it, so your award-winning, imaginative performance will be appreciated all the more.
Another aspect of penis psych 101 that you should know about is the phenomenon of men actually naming their penises, but it’s more common among straight guys than gay ones. Often there is a jocular tone to name, sort of like a nickname; other times guys come up with some really dull ones. Here’s a list of some we’ve heard:
Mr. Hooha
Mr. Happy
Bunny
Red
Herman, the One-Eyed German
Long John
Little Pete
Little Elvis
Fast Freddy
Mad Dog
Big Fella
Ralph
Mikey