It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy. Greg Behrendt
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to send him.
Speaking of messages, here’s Rule #2: Don’t check his. EVER. First, it’s illegal; second, it makes you seem crazy; and third, anything you find out will only make it worse or confirm your worst fears. It’s like heaping pain on top of pain. So save yourself the indignity of being the kind of person who breaks into his voice mail, e-mail, snail mail, whatever, and just assume the worst: He’s dating someone else and it’s Heidi Klum. Then start dealing with it.
Don’t get us wrong; we understand the need for contact, communication, and information during this shitty time. We all go through a kind of withdrawal when we suddenly lose someone we cared about from our lives, and any glimmer of those things can be a beacon in your darkness. But again, it’s like trying to get sober and allowing yourself just a sip to get you through the day. Indulging in the need rather than being strong enough to overcome it will keep you both addicted to your ex and immobile, stuck in your breakup angst. One of the keys to getting through this time is to keep yourself in motion and not allow yourself to sit around wallowing. We hate to sound like high school coaches, but you’ve got to walk it off, sport! Tormenting yourself with the phone—worrying that you missed a voice mail, jumping up hopefully every time it rings—is not your ex’s fault, it’s something you are doing to yourself, and you need to recognize that. Take a moment and get real with yourself about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Does it really make you feel better to call his cell and then wonder what he’s doing when he doesn’t answer? Do you feel empowered reading his e-mails and learning that his life is going on full steam without you? We think not. And if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll agree. In addition to the legitimate pain you are experiencing from having been rejected, hurt, and disappointed, you are picking at the scabs. (Eew!) None of these activities befit the strong, sexy, totally self-possessed Superfox we know you want to be.
In nearly half of the breakup surveys that we received, making compulsive phone calls, drunk dialing, obsessively checking messages, and breaking into an ex’s voice mails were among the biggest regrets that people had. Interestingly, nearly all of them admitted that they actually felt worse when they did these things, yet they were unable to control their impulse or need to do so. That says a lot about the commonality of how heartbreak affects us, and how we can be our own worst enemies in times of need. The big lesson here is that when it comes to your ex, any urge or impulse to contact him will do more harm than good, and you need to fight these urges however you can.
A few brave, superhuman souls inspired us with their stories, and we hope they do the same for you. One woman wrote to us that she threw away the SIM card from her cell phone so that she couldn’t check her messages because it was driving her crazy. Another guy wrote to us that he paid a friend $300 to travel with him at all times so he wouldn’t call his ex. One lady asked her neighbor to take her phones out of her apartment every night and return them in the morning so that she wouldn’t be tempted. Now, these could be considered extreme measures, but when you really think about them, they’re actually pretty smart. These people recognized that they were powerless over the phone and their own obsession, and took action. Getting a new cell phone card, hiring a babysitter, and getting the phones out of the house during your weakest hours is basic self-preservation. More than that, it’s empowering! These people didn’t die from it and weren’t wildly inconvenienced—rather, the lack of phone contact allowed them to maintain their dignity when they felt it slipping away. They are role models for the brokenhearted!
Just think, before you dial that number again, how great you’ll feel a year from now if you can look back on yourself and not feel embarrassed, defeated, or pathetic. Because you know that a year from now this pain will be a distant memory and not the open sore it is today. Ask yourself: “Do I really want to make this call?” You have the opportunity to be bigger than you are right at this very moment. So don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your friends and family love you and want you to get through this feeling stronger rather than broken. Keep a list by the phone of people you can call instead of him. Just dial them up and say,“I’m calling you instead.” Your friends will understand and help you through this—chances are they’ve been there too.
Above all, remember that every step of this process is an opportunity to take care of and honor yourself. Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a position to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition. Calling him doesn’t make it better—it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak. He is the past. You are the future.
Write these down and keep them with you at all times:
Alcohol + Phone = Danger.
Alcohol + Text Messenger = Danger.
Alcohol + Phone Camera = All over the Internet!
But Greg, I’ve Got Questions
But what if he can’t tell that it’s me calling?
Dear Greg
My number shows up as “Private” on caller ID, so even if I call a thousand times he can never prove that it’s me. Sometimes I just need to know that he’s home and not out with another girl, and it’s not like he can STAR-69 me because I have that blocked. Is that so bad?
Jamie
Dear Caller ID,
You’ve been eating denial by the bowl for breakfast if you think for a nanosecond that he doesn’t KNOW it’s you calling him all the time. And your actions are only confirming his belief that you shouldn’t be together. Is that so bad? you ask. Ask yourself this: How does it make you feel to be spending your hours, days, weeks, or months not living your life because you’re pretending to be a telemarketer? Hey, Saucy Girl, by stepping away from the phone you’re taking the first step toward living your life.
But he said to call.
Dear Greg
When we broke up, he said to “keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing.” So I know that he’s worried about me and still cares about me even if we’re not together anymore. Don’t you think that keeping the lines of communication open will make him realize that he misses me sooner than if we didn’t talk at all?
Lindsay
Dear Communicado,
He said that because saying, “Well, I’m never going to see you again ever” would have been awkward. “Hey, let’s never speak again” or “I don’t want to know how you are” won’t get him out of the breakup conversation as easily. Let’s let him know how you’re doing by NOT calling him. Quite honestly, he’ll be more intrigued by the fact that you didn’t call than if you did. Not keeping the lines of communication open says a lot about somebody. It says they’ve moved on and are not interested in spending their valuable time on someone who doesn’t want to be with them. Here’s the truth: “Keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing” doesn’t actually mean that. The real translation is “I feel bad about this and hope you’ll be okay, but I’m moving on.” And therefore, so should you.
But what if I have a legitimate reason?
Dear Greg
I can’t stop calling my ex-boyfriend. I have a valid reason because I still have some of his stuff. Not that it’s the most valuable stuff in the world, but I have one of his favorite jackets, so it’s not like he doesn’t care about it. When we do talk, he’s really nice at first and we have a great conversation. He’s even admitted to thinking about me, but he never wants to get together so I can give him his things. He keeps telling me to just mail them or leave them outside in a box, but I don’t want them to get stolen or lost in the mail. If he didn’t want me