Jenny Colgan 3-Book Collection: Amanda’s Wedding, Do You Remember the First Time?, Looking For Andrew McCarthy. Jenny Colgan
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the overwrought bedside table, beside the crocheted tissue-box cover, there was only one picture, of Linda – a chubby child – standing next to a vicious-looking pony.
Oh God, what was I going to do – mention it to her? D’oh! What did advice columns say? Leave some handy leaflets lying about. I didn’t know if they did ones that said, ‘We were snooping in your room and found something you’re obviously desperately trying to hide.’ Go down the pub? I tried to judge a tasteful length of time before suggesting this. Fran gave me a look that plainly told me it wasn’t long enough.
‘Huh? Sorry, I was just thinking about Linda.’
‘So what do you think we should …’
‘I have absolutely no idea.’
Pause.
‘I suppose I could try and be nicer to her,’ I offered.
‘Well, you do live together.’
‘So do you, practically, and you’re not nice to anyone.’
‘That’s because most people are boring. But Linda’s like, you know, sick.’
‘OK, OK already.’
I hoisted myself up and went and tackled some of Alex’s and my washing-up. Well, it was a start.
‘So, ehm, that was Nicholas on the phone then?’
And not, say, Alex (who was out buying furniture), having had a big change of heart and begging me to move with him to Fulham.
‘Yes. You appear to be in demand.’
Well, hooray!
‘However, I told him you weren’t available, so he asked me out instead.’
Boo! OK, I may have despised the guy, but I’d like to think he could tell me apart from other members of the same species.
‘Huh. Did you say yes?’
‘What do you think?’
‘I think you said yes, you would smoochily love him forever and ever, and did he have any more of his hilarious accounting stories?’
‘Oh, and also he said you may have to test for some disease or other.’
‘WHAT!?’
Fran gave me the finger and laughed evilly.
‘Melanie, given that you’re probably the only person who’s ever gone to bed with him, I wouldn’t worry too much.’
The brief tension gone, I told her about how awful the party had been, which I knew would please her. She was particularly interested in Angus.
‘Sounds intriguing. Was he handsome?’
On the sniff, as usual.
‘Ehm, I don’t know. Have you seen that film Babe?’
‘He looks like a pig?’
‘Hear me out …’
‘Farmer Hoggett?’
‘No! You know the dog in it who goes bad and bites people …?’
‘He looks like a dog?’
‘Well, he has an air of wounded nobility.’
‘In dog form.’
‘Ehm …’
We both sighed.
‘God, there really are no men left,’ exclaimed Fran for like the billionth time.
I couldn’t help it, but I must have involuntarily made an Amanda-type look, because she pretended to knee me in the tits. She didn’t quite pretend properly and unfortunately did hit me in the tits. Fran’s always played rough.
Linda came back eventually, on her own. We both stiffened. As usual she headed straight past the sitting room for her bedroom. I held my breath, terrified she was going to find something out of place. Maybe she had a hair taped over the doorframe and some talc or something, and now she was going to kill us …
Fran gave me a meaningful look, so I heaved myself up again.
‘Erm, Linda, do you want a cup of coffee?’
There was silence from beyond. No doubt this was a terrifying and unprecedented advance on my part. I felt horribly embarrassed and ashamed. Finally:
‘No, thanks.’
‘I think you’ve only got half a pound of sugar left anyway,’ whispered Fran meanly.
‘OK!’ I shouted. ‘We’re off to the pub. Do you want to come?’
Linda came out of her room and looked at me, her pale eyes suspicious.
‘Why?’
‘Ehm, no reason … you know, Monday night …’ I trailed off weakly.
‘No, thanks. I’m going to clean my wardrobe out.’
‘Ohhh – I mean: Oh, right, have fun!’
Then Fran and I fled to the pub to meet Alex and Charlie. ‘Amanda & Fraser Ltd’ had generously deigned to join us: the presence of two good-looking West London boys had obviously upped our social desirability somewhat.
Walking into the pub, I shot a sidelong glance at Fran. It was not looking good. Amanda was sitting in the middle of the three men, showing off in her pertiest manner. Fraser was watching her dutifully – or staring at her adoringly, I couldn’t make out what was true and what was bitchiness on my behalf – and Alex and Charlie were sniggering and nudging each other.
Alex gave me a kiss, and I went to get some beers, while Amanda said something and everybody laughed. I looked at the beautifully cut profile of the man I loved and suddenly felt empty, even when he yelled, ‘Mel, gorgeous gorgeous thing, get over here and sit on my knee immediately.’
How could he be so sweet and still want to move to Fulham with Charlie? I sat on his knee and tried not to mope, but it wasn’t easy.
‘So, anyway,’ Amanda was squawking, ‘I spoke to the designer and she says she’s never seen such a tiny waist! They’re going to have to do it all by hand specially, and it’s going to cost an extra two thousand pounds! Can you imagine!’
‘Bloody hell!’ said Alex dutifully.
The other boys nodded blankly. That infuriated me: they listened to her because she was pretty, but they wouldn’t know what a wedding dress cost at gunpoint.
Then she gave Fraser a look and snapped her fingers. He immediately got up and fetched her another drink. Fran and I looked at each other in amazement.
Anyway, to make myself sound at least vaguely interesting, I spilled the beans about Linda. Fran looked disapproving, but only because she didn’t think to tell it herself. Everyone was enthralled, so I tried not to embellish too much. Well, everyone except Fran, who was being disapproving, and Charlie, who was staring at Fran’s breasts. And Amanda, who was attempting to tell a rival story about her suspected anorexia, which she was trying to make sound like a pretty cool disease.
Suddenly, Angus walked in, and it was like a chill hit the air. Fraser smiled anxiously in welcome, while Amanda gave him a very tight look out of the corner of her beautifully made-up eyes and deliberately smiled without smiling.
‘Oh, hello, Angus,’ she said. ‘So glad you could make it.’
‘Aye.’
Good God, what was he, an extra from Cold Comfort Farm? Angus sat down stolidly.
Fraser looked around. ‘Does everyone know Angus?’ Everyone hummed and pretended to – even if (like Fran) they’d never clapped eyes on him before – so we didn’t all have to go round and introduce ourselves.
I’d