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bonding experience at all.

      ‘Hey,’ I said, still on Angus’s arm.

      Fraser looked up and grinned.

      ‘Hey, yourself. Glad you could come.’

      ‘Me too. Is it going to get you into trouble?’

      ‘Och, Fraser’s always in trouble – aren’t you, lad?’ said Angus, and the whole table burst out laughing. Fraser smiled ruefully.

      ‘Of course not. Everyone is sworn to secrecy.’

      There was a chorus of, ‘Yeah, right!’ and ‘How much are you going to pay us?’

      ‘Did you bring that terrifying friend of yours?’

      ‘Yes. She’s over there, being terrifying.’

      Fraser looked over.

      ‘Oh my God, poor wee Johnny. You haven’t set her loose on him?’

      ‘Nothing to do with me, I’m afraid. Apparently she’s being a lioness tonight.’

      Angus and he swapped a look.

      ‘I was at primary school with Johnny. Haven’t seen him much since then, but he qualified as oldest pal when I was looking for a best man. God, I hope she doesn’t get her claws into him …’

      In the corner, Fran was quaffing another martini, with one hand on Johnny’s lapel. He was laboriously trying to explain something to her – oxbow lakes, probably, but I could tell she wasn’t listening, just throwing her head back with raucous laughter.

      ‘He’s been married eight years and his wife never lets him out of the house. He only got to come here because I promised there wouldn’t be any strippers.’

      ‘Fraser, just how many lies did you have to tell to get this party together tonight?’

      ‘I don’t even want to think about it. Who’s for another?’

      ‘Way hey!’ shouted the boys at the table, and bumped up to make room for me.

      They turned out not to be doleful at all, just serious about deconstructing the X-Files, e e cummings, politics, stand-up comedy and the general state of the world today, at least in so far as it related to the world of engineering and Dr Who. Strangely, I found them fascinating and non-judgemental company; infinitely relaxing. Of course, not having to buy any drinks helped.

      Every so often there would be a loud grunt or guffaw, as Alex and Charlie seemed to have descended to the level of bestial communications. But just as I was thinking how very, very fond of Fraser’s friends I was, there was a muttering at the door. In walked a woman in a large coat, out of which was peeping a pair of open-toed stilettoes and fishnet tights.

      All relevant political and cultural debate instantly went flying out the window. I suddenly had a lot less room on the bench as the testosterone level rose and the boys suddenly needed plenty of space to splay their legs wide open.

      Behind the stripper was an enormous man who managed to make finding a plug point for the tape recorder seem imposing. Immediately, ‘Hey, Big Spender’ started up. Without removing her cigarette, the woman walked nonchalantly to the centre of the room and, showing no perceivable interest, slipped out of her coat.

      The previously well-mannered and charming boys beside me turned into a host of baying beasts. The roaring was incredible, punctuated with wolf howls as the woman did a desultory shimmer to ‘Spend … a little time with me.’

      Eventually, she started to walk towards our table. An excited ‘Way hey!’ went up as she bent over to have her bra strap undone, with the bloke she approached only just able to restrain himself – after a sharp look from the bouncer – from pinging it. The bra went whirling through the air and landed near a surprised Fran and Johnny, who were snogging like they’d just invented it over in the corner.

      The bra got a big round of applause, but all eyes quickly came back round to the main attraction. The boys’ eyes were wide as saucers as the woman stifled a yawn, shot me a dirty look (I thought), and stuck her leg up on the table to undo her suspenders.

      I stifled a yawn myself, and looked over to where I’d last left Charlie and Alex, muttering like two old alkies at a railway station. Alex was tottering uneasily to his feet, being egged on by Charlie. As I watched, hypnotized, ignoring the mounting hysteria behind me, Alex picked up the gold lamé-trimmed bra and put it on over his shirt, dancing along to Shirley Bassey. He approached Fran and Johnny, making lewder and lewder movements, while Charlie shouted encouragement. Finally, when all eyes had gone past her, the stripper turned round to see Alex rubbing her costume like a towel between his legs.

      ‘’Ere!’ she shouted, which was enough for the bouncer to stop looking menacing and do some actual bouncing.

      He walked over to Alex and put his hand on his shoulder. Incredibly drunk, Alex leered up at him uncomprehendingly. Charlie, however, was back on his feet again.

      ‘Leave him alone!’ he shouted petulantly.

      The bouncer gave Charlie his best ominous look.

      ‘Yeah?’

      ‘Yeah! Or you can just … fuck off!’

      There was an ominous silence, except for the inaudible noise of me attempting to disappear. Oh my God, he’d done it again. And I had brought him.

      Very deliberately, the bouncer retrieved the bra from Alex’s limp hand and laid it on the table. Then slowly, almost tenderly, he led both the boys outside. Nobody moved as some cartoon scuffle noises reached us from the other side of the door. After about three minutes the bouncer came back in, actually dusting his hands down.

      ‘You coming, Leese?’ he said.

      Leese was already dressed – in her own terms. She stood in front of Angus while he paid her, then the pair left in a dignified silence.

      I closed my eyes in horror. Nobody said anything. Then finally a lone Glaswegian voice from the back said plaintively:

      ‘Well, I thought the bloke was a better dancer, ken.’

      I opened half an eye. Fraser turned round, but there was a glint in his eye.

      ‘You mean I brought a stripper to my stag night for a crowd of fucking poofs?’

      The whole room guffawed with relieved tension, and new rounds were ordered in. I went up to Angus.

      ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry. I mean … oh, they’re just … I’m sorry.’

      ‘I know what you mean,’ he said kindly. ‘Why don’t you tell me all about it?’

      ‘I will, I need to go see if Alex is OK.’

      ‘Why? He deserved it.’

      ‘No he didn’t! It was just a prank.’

      ‘Not to her it wasn’t.’

      ‘Oh well, you know what boys are like.’

      ‘Huh. Not all of them.’

      I could feel him watching me as I headed out the door. Fran and Johnny were now looking distinctly biological, and I averted my eyes.

      Outside, everything was quiet. I couldn’t see the boys anywhere, or even hear any muffled groaning. I pondered the situation for nearly half a second, heard a burst of boyish laughter from upstairs and decided to head back to where the warmth and beer were.

      Inside, everyone’s faces were looking redder. Fran and Johnny were nowhere to be seen, but the lads were presenting Fraser with a blonde blow-up doll, which happened to look extremely like Amanda.

      Blushing, he stood up as Angus sidled alongside me and pressed a bottle of beer into my hand, which I swigged gratefully.

      ‘I wanted to say …’ Fraser started manfully.

      ‘Get yer tits oot!’ shouted

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