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time I’d spoken to her, she’d told me to stop worrying about finding a man.
‘You’re not going to find anyone in there,’ she’d scolded, pointing to my laptop. ‘Do you think that’s how I met Grandad?’ I didn’t reply. Gran’s questions were usually rhetorical, which you discovered if you tried to answer. ‘No, I put on my make-up; made sure my best dress was darned, washed and pressed; and I went out and smiled at boys. It was easy to catch an eye or two.’ I’d chuckled at the time. Of course, things were different these days, but I enjoyed her stories so played along. ‘Grandad asked me if I wanted a drink. But I said a firm no.’
‘No?’ I’d queried, wondering if she’d not been attracted to him at first, if she was trying to tell me to just settle for someone.
‘That’s right. I said no. He was the most handsome man in the club. If I’d have let him buy me a drink, he’d have thought I was an easy catch, and he’d have lost interest soon enough.’
‘Ah, you played hard to get?’
‘Damn right I did. He practically begged me to court him.’ She’d chuckled.
I wiped away a small tear that had accompanied the memory.
Back on my newsfeed, I saw that one of my other ‘real’ friends, Becky, who admittedly I rarely saw any more, had posted a picture of her family. They were out in the countryside somewhere; her handsome bearded husband had a young messy-haired child on each shoulder, and the three of them were laughing, probably at Becky, who I assumed was taking the picture. It was a perfect image.
My stomach muscles tightened. For the last four or five years that had been all I ever wanted – a husband and a couple of kids – but it just didn’t happen. I’d no idea where I’d been going wrong but I wasn’t the kind of girl to give up. There’d been dates, but few second or third ones. The closest I’d come was a guy called Paul; we’d been out a few times, he’d stayed over once or twice, and it was going well. Until I discovered he had a girlfriend. I’d been a lot more cautious since then.
I knew that the whole marriage-and-kids thing was a cliché. Women in 2017 did not need to feel as though marriage and children were their only destiny. I was old enough to realise that the Disney prince was just a fantasy, that the bumbling British buffoon who messes up and finally gets it right was not coming for me, or that my arch-nemesis would not actually be my true love.
In 2017, my dream could’ve been anything: a powerful politician, a world traveller or an ice road trucker if I wished (which I didn’t; I hated the cold). The truth was: what my heart and womb ached for was a family of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I’d always been happy on my own. I had a decent career, great friends and family, and a full life,( if you excused that particularly pitiful evening). But that’s the point of a dream – it’s something you don’t have already, something out of reach. Maybe it’s something unobtainable entirely.
I gave my head a shake and switched on the TV, flicking through the menu to find a film that would cheer me up – anything with eye candy would do. My TIVO came up trumps, and soon I was enjoying an image of perfection: Channing Tatum writhing around onstage in a thong.
I snuggled up in the corner of my big cosy cream sofa and tore open a packet of chocolate buttons. Perfect. I captured the moment by snapping a picture of my woolly-sock-clad feet, wine and Channing in the background and uploaded it to Facebook with the caption: ‘Perfect night in!’ Soon, I was grabbing for my phone frequently as it pinged to tell me that several people liked this. It wasn’t long before my group chat fired up:
AMANDA: Friday night in? Brilliant way to celebrate your last day of youth! ;)
I narrowed my eyes at the screen. I knew she was only joking, but the whole reason I was in alone was because she was working late and Gemma had gone out with some other friends. I swallowed my irritation and replied:
ME: I thought I’d test out old age whilst I’m still young. I’ll be out partying tomorrow night when I’ve actually turned ‘old’ – just to mix it up a bit. I’m a rebel like that! :-)
On the inside I was reeling at the thought of turning thirty-five.
I continued my evening by binge-watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. About three episodes in (okay, maybe four), that annoying ‘Are you still watching?’ question popped up on the screen. The one reserved for people like me – sad and alone. ‘Yes I bloody am. Don’t judge me!’ I yelled, chucking a cushion at the screen.
***
The next morning, I woke up the same way as I went to bed: alone. My first instinct was to check my phone, for virtual company, I supposed. My screen was full of notifications from various social networking sites. I felt oddly excited as I snuggled back down into my warm duvet to read through them.
‘Happy birthday, Mel. Have fun!’ read the first post. I groaned. Ah yes, my birthday. I hated birthdays. Ever since I’d turned thirty I’d lost the will to celebrate. Thirty had been the year everything started popping: proposal questions, champagne corks at engagement parties and babies. Yet nothing had popped for me.
When I was young, each year I turned older had brought me one step closer to being a grown-up, or one step closer to being able to drink/vote/drive/gamble. Now, it was just one step closer to old age, not being able to go braless, sprint up steps or get asked for ID when buying alcohol in the supermarket.
Just before she died my gran had said: ‘Life is like reading a good book; at first you can’t put it down, eager to see what the next page will reveal, but by the last quarter you want to pace yourself, slow down, because you want to savour the final chapters.’ She’d said that my sister’s children were her final chapter and she was ready for the story to end.
I was heartbroken at the time but came to realise she’d fulfilled her life’s ambitions and that was a good thing. It’s all I wanted for myself. I hit Like on all the comments and decided it was too early to write any kind of update or reply to personal messages from actual friends and family. People would think I was sitting there alone and present-less. Which of course I was, but they didn’t need to know that.
As I scrolled through the messages, my phone began to vibrate vigorously – I knew straight away it was my mother. I was sure my phone had adopted a specific kind of tremor just for her calls, designed to make me answer immediately or suffer a mother-administered inquisition later. I answered.
‘Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, Melissa, Happy Birthday to you,’ she sang down the phone in her high-pitched yet tuneful voice, honed by countless school assemblies. Mum had been the headmistress at an all-girls secondary comprehensive in Manchester. ‘Are you having a good day, darling?’ she chirped.
‘Morning, Mum.’ My voice croaked into action as I realised it’d been almost twenty-four hours since I actually spoke to a real-life person. ‘Yes, I’m still in bed, so it’s been lovely so far.’ I treated myself to a catlike stretch.
‘Did you get anything nice?’
‘Not yet. I haven’t seen anyone yet, but I’m catching up with my friends later on tonight.’
‘Oh, that’s nice, love. Should we go out for a spot of lunch later? You know Dad and I aren’t too familiar with the city centre, so you can pick somewhere?’ Alarm bells rang. If I suggested a place to eat she’d be on TripAdvisor immediately, looking at all the one-star reviews and compiling a list as to why we should find another establishment, giving little or no regard to my opinion. I was in no mood for the stress.
‘Actually, Mum, it might be nice if you just came here. We could just have some homemade sandwiches or something.’ I wracked my brain for a sandwich recipe that involved a mere dribble of Pinot Grigio and a shrivelled up tomato.
‘Great idea! Well, I’ll let you go and open your presents, and Dad and I will pop round at midday. I’ll bring a special birthday lunch.’ Typical Mum, not paying any attention to