The Power of Social Intelligence: 10 ways to tap into your social genius. Tony Buzan
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(Friedrich von Schiller)
The secret of Social Intelligence – to building rapport with others, setting them at ease in your company, making people genuinely glad to be with you, and mixing easily with all types of people – is to ‘know yourself’.
If you are comfortable ‘being in your skin’, you will have inner confidence about yourself, and will know your values and standards. That confidence will radiate out from you, through your body language, and will rub off positively on the people around you.
You can use this Socially Intelligent knowledge to your advantage, even if you are in a situation where confidence is the last thing you are feeling! If you stand with poise and make eye contact, you will exude an aura of confidence. Even better – the more you ‘act’ confident, the more confident you will find yourself becoming!
However, you should be aware that sometimes the signals you are sending out are not the ones you think you are! An acquaintance discovered that while she aimed to project an ultra-feminine and ultra-sexy image, she had no idea that this image was actually interpreted as being overpowering and intimidating!
Who Are You?
You now know that your body language reveals your true thoughts and feelings, despite yourself. And so, if you become adept at reading other people’s body language – sensing whether they are uncomfortable, bored, enthusiastic, upset or worried – you will increase your Social Intelligence multiple-fold.
Studies, like the ones below, have demonstrated that those people able to read body language have many advantages over those who cannot.
Case Study – Read Me, Benefit You!
A Harvard psychologist, Robert Rosenthal, and his students devised a test of people’s ability to read non-verbal body signals and language. Rosenthal and his students tested over 7,000 people both in the United States and 18 other countries.
In the tests the subjects were shown a series of videotapes of a young woman expressing a wide range of feelings. The scenes depicted hatred and loathing, a jealous rage, peace and tranquillity, asking forgiveness, motherly love, showing gratitude, and passion.
In all the videos, the sound was muffled so that no speech could be heard. In addition, in each portrayal, one or more of the channels of non-verbal communication had been blanked out. For example, in one the body might be blocked out and only the facial expression shown, in another the facial expressions removed while all bodily gestures remained, and so on.
The results?
A direct correlation was found between being able to read body language and being more sensitive, more well-adjusted emotionally, more outgoing, and, most importantly, more popular.
You will be pleased to learn that this popularity was also directly correlated with success in romantic and sexual relationships!
The success generated by possessing Social Intelligence skills is also reflected in schools. The American Psychological Society reported the results of tests done with 1,011 children that showed that those children who were able to read body language were among the most emotionally stable, did better in academic subjects, and were the most popular.
Understanding body language is of vital importance in social communication. A good friend of mine observed that by playing just three minutes of golf with a new acquaintance, you will learn nearly everything you need to know about that individual, including their ability to accept and learn from success and failure, their generosity, their concern for others, their appreciation of nature, their humour (or lack of it!), how positive/negative they were, their general energy levels, their degree of focus and their honesty.
The Secret of Social Intelligence – Smile!
There is a very simple secret to Social Intelligence – smile at people!
A human smile radiates warmth, confidence, a positive attitude, happiness and, very significantly, a welcoming openness to others.
‘A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.’
(Chinese proverb)
A simple smile is the best way to win friends and influence people. The thing that first attracts most people to someone else is their smile. And when we see a smile, our brains trigger our own smiling muscles, so that we smile back!
Brian Bates, co-author of the BBC book and television series The Human Face, confirms the importance of smiling in society:
‘We would often rather share our confidences, hopes and money with smilers for deep reasons which are often beyond our conscious awareness. Spontaneous smilers have been shown to have a more successful life in personal and career terms.’
Smiles take much less effort than frowns, involve far less muscular tension, and are more instantaneous and spontaneous. The universe even rewards us for smiling! When we smile, the ‘smiling reflex’ boosts our production of endorphins, the body’s natural energizers and pain-killers.
It is now time for your first Social Workout – to be approached with a smile on your face!
Social Workout
Smile and the World Smiles With You
Recently a witty little poem on smiling appeared on the Internet. I have slightly adjusted it, and recommend that you read it, pass it on, and immediately begin practising what it suggests!
Smiling is infectious; you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too.
I passed around the corner and someone saw my grin
And when he smiled I realized I’d passed it on to him.
I thought about that smile and then I realized its worth,
A single smile, one just like mine, could travel round the earth.
So if you feel a smile begin, don’t leave it undetected:
Let’s start an epidemic quick, and get the world infected!
Smile First
Make sure that you greet people with a smile. People remember first impressions most strongly, so this will be what they remember of you. This is called the Primacy Effect, or the principle of ‘First Things First’, which we will explore in more detail in Chapter 4. Smiling will get the social interaction off to a positive and uplifting start. You will be gently taking control of the meeting in a ‘win-win’ way.
Make Your Actions Congruent with Your Words
When you are describing things, allow your body to be the natural musical instrument and artist that it is. Make sounds that mimic what you are describing. With your hands sculpt the objects and scenes you are describing.
Check for Congruence/Incongruence in Others
Check for the congruence between what people’s words are saying and what their bodies are saying. You will often find that they are completely opposite. You can practise this Social Intelligence muscle when watching television, especially news and advertisements. Keep a note of some of the more blatant examples of incongruence – they make good conversation pieces themselves!
One extremely amusing instance of incongruent actions occurred when I was at a cocktail party.
I noticed that two businessmen who were supposed to be negotiating with each other were doing an extraordinary dance. Every time one of them moved towards the other, the second almost immediately moved away. It was as if they were two similar poles of a magnet, where the repelling force prevented them from ever making contact. No matter how hard