And then, I begin to experience even more forcibly, the self-esteem ‘happening’ all over again … and again!

      High Self-esteem Experience

       The Inside Story

      On the opposite page is a simple analysis of what happens in my mind and body when I feel a sense of good, sound self-esteem (even though I may not be consciously aware of the process taking place).

      I hope this description fits your own experience. If it does not I’d be interested sometime to hear what appears to be happening to you when you perceive your self-esteem to be high. In the meantime, I hope you’ll accept my subjective analysis as a working definition for the purposes of this book!

       The Outside Story

      Now let’s look at this self-esteem experience from the outer perspective, and examine how it is seen through other people’s eyes.

      As you read this next section, try to think of people you know who have some or all of these attributes. Having some visual examples in your mind of self-esteem in action will help to strengthen your motivation to achieve your goal! Seeing certainly helps the believing, especially during some of the uphill steps in changing our psychological selves!

       HOW WE CAN RECOGNIZE A PERSON WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM

      Here are some of the most significant qualities which we can commonly observe in the appearance and behaviour of people whose self-esteem is consistently good.

      Calm and Relaxed

      They appear to be at ease and in control, even when faced with difficult and daunting challenges.

      Their posture is usually upright and there is rarely much sign of tension in their faces or limbs.

      After periods of increased pressure they will always take ‘time-out’ to recover and quickly regain their serenity and composure.

      Well-nurtured

      They exude a sense of well-being and appear fully ‘at home’ in their well-nourished and well-exercised bodies.

      It is obvious that they have taken care to groom and present themselves well even when they have chosen a very casual style of dress.

      They never routinely indulge in self-destructive eating, drinking or sleeping habits. They always give themselves extra physical care and attention when they are under stress or experiencing physical illness.

      Energetic and Purposeful

      They are full of life, both mentally and physically.

      They usually enjoy working and undertake whatever task they do with enthusiasm and enjoyment.

      They are highly motivated and, unless they are in a period of creative transition and change, always maintain a clear sense of direction.

      Although they are careful to stop and recharge their batteries from time to time, you won’t catch them aimlessly drifting or getting stuck in ruts.

      Open and Expressive

      They are ‘What You See Is What You Get’ people.

      They communicate in a direct, straightforward manner and (unless they are poets or politicians, of course!) they tend to speak plainly and use non-verbal gestures which clearly indicate what is going on for them emotionally.

      They are very capable of being spontaneous when they choose to be so, but they can summon up superb emotional control when they want their heads to rule their hearts.

      Positive and Optimistic

      From both the way they talk and act, you get the sense that they are expecting the best from the people and the world around them.

      They rarely look disabled by worry and fear and do not appear to brood over regrets.

      They view mistakes as useful learning experiences which are unlikely to be repeated.

      When they meet obstacles to their progress they openly and safely release their frustration and then return to solve the problem with increased vigour and determination.

      You can often hear them talking about the future with excitement, and they view opportunities for change and development with genuine interest and enthusiasm.

      Self-reliant

      They are highly capable of acting independently and autonomously.

      They do not constantly seek the approval or opinion of others before making decisions or taking action.

      They enjoy their own company and would not necessarily need the fraternity or direction of others to help them relax or work efficiently.

      They take full responsibility for securing and overseeing their own financial stability.

      When they do decide to innovate or take risks, you can be sure they have prepared suitable contingency plans and will not take help from others for granted.

      Sociable and Co-operative

      Even if they are naturally introverted by nature (unless they have a good reason not to be so), they are friendly and trusting of other people from any creed or culture.

      In meetings and social gatherings they do not hog more than their fair share of attention.

      It is obvious that they often seem just as interested in listening to others as they are in having their own voices heard.

      They can enjoy being a member of a partnership, a team or a community and are usually willing to compromise and negotiate to secure harmonious relationships and a good deal for the ‘common good’.

      They are never threatened by the success and happiness of others, and so can often be seen actively encouraging other people’s development and welfare.

      Although they often emerge as the natural leaders of groups, they are also able and willing to share power and authority and delegate appropriately.

      Appropriately Assertive

      They stand up for their own needs and rights but, equally, they can be relied upon to fight for justice for others as well. If occasionally their assertive attempts to solve important problems fail, they are happy to use both passive or aggressive strategies to obtain fair and sensible resolutions.

      Self-developing

      Although it is obvious that they have a deservedly high degree of self-worth, they are often self-reflective.

      They are happy to acknowledge their imperfections and mistakes as well as their strengths and achievements, because they are continually searching for ways and means to improve their behaviour and performance.

      Although they will not waste much energy or time doing battle with aggressive and destructive critics, they do welcome constructive feedback and advice.

      You can expect them to be engaged in some ongoing educational or personal development project (even though in our envious eyes they already appear to have reached the pinnacle of perfection!).

      Don’t be daunted by this idealized description of a self-esteem paragon of virtue. Even if you were lucky enough to meet a person who displayed all of these characteristics all of the time, I think it is unlikely that you would feel diminished in his or her presence. Contrary to what many people (who mistakenly confuse high self-esteem with arrogance) think, when we are in the company of people with very high self-esteem we tend to feel better, not worse about ourselves. When we are with them we are