Emotional Confidence: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence. Gael Lindenfield
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which they use for expressing emotion. Some stereotypical examples:
– the Irish will express some of their grief through singing and dancing at ‘wakes’ for the dead
– the people of Saudi Arabia express their collective disgust for serious crimes of theft by watching the offender’s limb being amputated in public
– in Italy one way mothers have historically learned to express their love for their families is through providing them with sumptuous, extended meals
– in Britain traditionally fathers often express their love to their sons by taking them to football matches.
So children learn to pick up a style of expressing emotion by watching the habits of the majority of people around them as well as through the role-models of important parent-figures. Even more importantly, they reinforce that learning by copying this behaviour and trying it out for themselves.
Of course, even with the same national culture each individual can have differing opportunities to practise their emotional skills, and this will also affect their style. For example:
– in many countries girls do not get as much encouragement to demonstrate anger or even to take part in situations (e.g. fighting, the stock exchange) where you would normally find triggers to this emotion. So, even if it is normal in their country to shout and bellow out frustration, women will be much less likely to do so than men
– although pride might be nationally regarded with disdain, in some families it will be considered more of a ‘sin’ than in others. The children of these families will be even less likely to share their pride in their successes
– in some school gangs where showing fear meets with disapproval, its members may not be as open as other children in expressing their anxieties about exams or punishments
– in some professions drinking alcohol is the normal way to deal with frustration, so its members are less likely to develop the skill of expressing anger openly but safely.
Instant Exercise
Think of two emotions and then consider how the style in which you express each has been affected by your opportunity to practise doing so.
4. Nurture Influences the Way We Make Use of Emotion
I said earlier that one of the advantages of having a more refined neocortex is that we can use emotions as tools to help us survive and thrive. For example:
– if our mother tended to use ‘emotional blackmail’ to get us to do things we didn’t want to do, we are more likely to use indirect ways of ‘hooking’ other people’s compassion to get our needs met
– if we saw our uncle bullying his staff in his everyday business dealings with them, we are more likely to be tempted to use fear to motivate others
– if we have suffered a series of setbacks in the past we may have learned how to channel disappointment into new, positive activities and make it eventually work to our advantage
– if we have read a good deal of romantic poetry we may have become very skilled at how to pull heart strings through the careful use of language.
Instant Exercise
Name two emotions which you use successfully to help you get what you want in your everyday work. Think about how you have learned to make good use of these particular feelings.
CAN WE HAVE AN EMOTION WITHOUT REALIZING WE ARE EXPERIENCING IT?
Yes, there is now good evidence to suggest that Freud was right in at least one respect. Our emotional life is influenced by our unconscious mind. The physiological stirring of an emotion usually takes place before our thinking centre registers it, and it can simmer around below our threshold of consciousness as a hidden mood from hours to years.
Even if we are not aware of it happening to ourselves, the amateur psychologist in most of us will often recognize it in others. I am sure you must have been witness to one of the following examples either in your real life or through a film or book:
– the mother who for years has put her family’s needs before her own, being unaware of her building resentment until she meets the sympathetic ear of a waiter on holiday!
– the young man who didn’t realize he was falling in love with a colleague until his best friend started dating her
– the girl who doesn’t realize she is embarrassed by a compliment until her boss asks her why she is blushing
– the man who is unaware of his fear of heights until the moment he is about to do a Bunjie jump for charity
– the woman with a history of sexual abuse who is totally unconscious of her deep feelings of shame until a therapist points to her bulimia as possible evidence of self-disgust.
Interestingly, I have just read in today’s newspaper a very apt quote on this subject from a famous footballer. Having started counselling sessions, he talks about how he has now become aware of ‘the rage inside me which had been building up for years’. There will be hundreds of sceptics smiling cynically at this ‘confession’, but equally there will be many millions who’ll find his explanation highly plausible. The acid test is, of course: now that he has the emotion in the care of his conscious mind, will he take responsibility for it and learn how to express it safely?
Instant Exercise
Think of an example of when you were suddenly made aware of an emotion you didn’t realize you had. If you cannot think of one for yourself, think of an example for one of your friends or colleagues.
WHAT HAPPENS IF WE DO NOT PHYSICALLY RELEASE AN EMOTION?
Emotions are designed mainly to help our bodies prepare for appropriate short-term action. If that action (i.e. the expression of the feeling) is suppressed, the brain will tend to go on producing the hormones which generate the action appropriate to that particular feeling. The result is that the body may be kept in a physiologically aroused state for too long a time. For example, if we don’t let go of our feelings of fear after a fright, our heart will continue its fast beating, our facial muscles will remain in a screwed up position, our shoulders will stay arched and our spine remain tightened long after the trigger which produced our fright has disappeared. All this unnecessary activity causes a terrible strain on our physiological system. There is now a substantial body of research evidence which indicates that this ‘stress’ does untold damage (often irreversible) in the long term and that it also affects our immune system’s ability to fight off viruses and other infections.
The good news is that we also now know that by altering the way we think about what is happening or has happened we can sometimes switch off the brain’s emotional response. In my experience this only seems to work if we do it in the early stages of an emotional response. Once a response has become ‘set-in’ for a long period the brain does seem to require some appropriate physical expression of the feeling before it stops its activity. We will be looking at this in more detail later on, and I will be giving you some tips on how you can both alter your thinking and give safe physical expression to your feelings.
ARE EMOTIONS CONTAGIOUS?
Yes, they can be – unless people make a conscious effort to prevent themselves being ‘infected’. I am sure you too have experienced one or more of the following:
– finding your mood change from depressed to happy after spending time with a person who has just had some good luck or good news and is feeling very positive
– watching a placid, fearful child become excited at a party full