It Had to Be You. David Nobbs
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‘loin of God’, and the conversation turned to misprints on menus.
‘In a restaurant I went to in the Ardeche,’ said a crayfish cocktail, ‘there was a starter of “avocat farci”. It was translated in the English version as “stuffed lawyer”.’
There was laughter.
‘I wouldn’t have ordered that,’ said a soup of the day. ‘Too tough.’
There was more laughter.
‘Too expensive,’ added a chicken liver pâté, and there was yet more laughter.
All this laughter hit the man in the white linen suit like a punch in the stomach. He was in a state of anxiety that no laughter could penetrate. Suddenly he was convinced that something serious had happened.
He still didn’t think of an accident, though. He certainly didn’t think of death. It was the third day of Wimbledon. The day smelt of strawberries and cream. It wasn’t a time for accidents.
His first thought was that she had fallen ill, was in hospital, couldn’t phone, hadn’t dared to reveal their secret plans. That would be surprising, though. She was very fit.
He shook his head, to rid it of these speculations. A rather plump, middle-aged woman, lunching with a woman of similar age, caught his eye, and he tried not to look as if he was waiting for someone who hadn’t turned up. This irritated him. Why should he care? No wonder she hadn’t come, if that was the amount of confidence and poise he had.
No … on second thoughts … on second thoughts that was exactly what he thought she had had … second thoughts. She had seen the road ahead. The clandestine meetings. The lies. The deceptions. The hurt. She had decided that she didn’t want to have to be Mrs Rivers, of Lake View, 69 Pond Street, Poole.
He wasn’t worth it.
This was ridiculous. There was some utterly trivial explanation. Any minute now she would breeze in, smiling her apologies with that memorable wide smile of hers.
But she didn’t.
The Pizza Express was like … well, it was like every other Pizza Express. Just about Italian enough to be acceptable to the sophisticated, not so Italian that it discomfited the gauche. Warm enough to be pleasant to enter, cool enough to discourage a long stay.
A Polish waiter approached, trying to look Italian, trying to pretend to be really rather excited to see them. His insufficiently practised Eastern European smile foundered on the rock of Dwight Schenkman’s face.
‘Anything to drink, gentlemen?’
God, I could sink a Peroni.
‘Just a small sparkling water, please,’ said Dwight Schenkman.
Maybe a glass of the Montepulciano, thought James. A large one. But the words died in his throat.
‘Still water, please.’
James studied the menu. How, when the main course was mainly pizza, could there be dough balls as a starter? How much dough could a man consume?
‘How’s the lovely Deborah?’
‘Very well. Very well indeed.’
‘You’re a lucky son of a gun.’
‘I know I am. More than I deserve.’
‘And Max?’
‘Great.’
‘And Charlotte? The absent Charlotte?’
‘Still absent.’
The tension grew with every devastating drip of politeness. Now he had to take his turn at asking questions, and there was a problem. The names of Dwight’s wife and family escaped him entirely. He had once begun a correspondence course to improve his memory. ‘That’ll be a futile gesture,’ Deborah had predicted, and she’d been right. Halfway through the course he’d forgotten all about it.
‘Everything all right with your family?’ he enquired.
Pathetic. The lack of detail was blatant. But the BWC didn’t seem to notice. He took a photograph from his wallet.
‘We have our very first grandchild.’ He handed James a photo of an ugly, podgy baby being held in the excessively ample arms of an unrealistically blonde lady with slightly stick-out teeth. In the background was a bungalow of quite spectacular dreariness. ‘Who do you think that is?’
Inspiration, that rare visitor to his life, struck James.
‘Dwight Schenkman the Fifth?’
‘Yessir!’ This was said so loudly that several people in the vicinity turned to look.
‘Lovely,’ said James. ‘They make a lovely couple. And is that their home? It looks … cosy.’
‘James, that is exactly what it is. Dwight’s very New York, but Howard’s a real home bird. That’s his wife, Josie. James, it gives me great pleasure that you, my old friend, my trusted manager of the London office, think that Josie and Howard make a lovely couple. Thank you.’
James looked desperately for sarcasm and found none. But ‘old friend’, ‘trusted manager’. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all.
The waiter scurried across with their water, and asked if they were ready to order.
‘Absolutely,’ said Dwight Schenkman the third without consulting James. ‘James?’
‘I’ll have the capricciosa, please.’
‘Great choice, James. I’ll have the Veneziana. I like to feel I’m giving 25p to Venice. It’s a great little town. And those dough balls sound nice to start. You going for the dough balls, James?’
‘No, thank you.’ How thankful he was that he hadn’t made any comment about them.
‘We’ve had some great lunches, haven’t we? Le Gavroche. Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons with Claire and the lovely Deborah.’
Claire! Must remember that. Claire. An éclair with the e on the end instead of the beginning. Easy-peasy.
‘And now the Pizza Express.’
‘Hard times?’
‘Got it in one. What’s your view of the state of the packaging industry, James?’
‘Difficult, Dwight. We pack what people buy. We can’t pack more or less than that. We’re a kind of barometer of the economy.’
‘I like that.’ The BWC rolled the phrase round his mouth as if it was a glass of premier cru Chateau Margaux. God, James could do with a glass of wine. Any wine. ‘A barometer of the economy. I’ll remember that.’
Of course you will. You remember everything, you bastard.
Dwight Schenkman the Third leant so far forward that James could smell his toothpaste and his aftershave.
‘To business,’ he said.
James’s heart began to pump very fast. Thank goodness he’d remembered to take all his pills.
‘There are two elements to this, James. A global element and a UK element.’
The pumping of James’s heart began to slow just a little. It didn’t sound like the sack.
‘In the short term, James, I am requiring every element of our global operation to make a fifteen per cent cut across the board. Across the board, James, from personnel to toilet paper via water coolers and stationery. I need your specific proposal as to how this target may be met in Bridgend and Kilmarnock, and I need it within six months.’
James knew how difficult this would be, but all he could feel was relief, immense, shattering relief. He had been given a job to do. He had not been sacked.
Dwight’s dough balls arrived. Since he was far too well bred to talk