Only When I Larf. Len Deighton
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will mean Amalgamated Minerals bidding two million, two hundred and sixty thousand dollars,’ explained Silas. ‘It’s not a good sign that. I mean …’ he smiled, ‘it looks as though our company is scraping the very bottom of its financial resources to have an odd 10,000 on it like that.’
‘I’ll rewrite it,’ said Karl. ‘We scraped together every available dollar. That’s the whole mortgage.’
‘You can rewrite it some other time,’ said Silas. ‘Just let him see it and then put it back in your pocket.’ The mark passed it across to Bob who gave it the most perfunctory of glances and slid it back across the desk. Karl opened his wallet and was about to slide it inside when Bob said, ‘Wait a moment sir. My orders say it must be paid into the Amalgamated Minerals account. I appreciate your complete trust in your friends’ intentions, but a man holding his own cheque is no collateral by any standard of measurement, and you can’t deny it.’
‘You are a pedant Glover. That’s why you will never reach the highest echelons of international commerce, as these gentlemen already have done. But if it will satisfy you …’ Silas got up with a loud sigh and walked across to the dummy safe. He swung the picture aside. ‘The cheque can go into the safe now.’ Silas rapped the safe front with his knuckle. ‘I will send off the message saying that we hold the money. After the message has been transmitted I’ll open the safe and return the cheque to my friends. Will that satisfy you Glover?’ Silas brought a key from his waistcoat and opened the ancient little safe.
The marks were not consulted. They watched Bob anxiously. Bob bit his lip, but finally said, ‘I don’t like it.’
‘I don’t care what you like,’ said Silas. ‘No one can possibly dispute the fairness of that.’ He turned to the marks and smiled graciously. ‘Not even the Funfunn Novelty Company. They can stand guard over the safe for the five minutes it will take Miss Grimsdyke to get the message on the wire.’ Silas reached for his message pad and spoke as he wrote on it. It was all so clear and inevitable that it would have taken a strong man to change the tide of events. He passed me the pad, ‘Read that aloud Miss Grimsdyke.’ I read, ‘Arrange best super-facil party ever, stop, I hold over quarter million additional participation by nominees, stop. They arrive on company jet about five, signed Latimer.’
‘Fine,’ said Silas. ‘Now Miss Grimsdyke, if you will let me have the Amalgamated Minerals cheque for our two million dollars we can rest them both in the safe until these gentlemen leave this afternoon for Nassau.’
I opened the buff coloured folder and handed him the magnificent cheque that we had prepared. It depicted a buxom woman holding a cornucopia with Amalgamated Minerals written on it. She was scattering wheat, fruit and flowers all over our address. He took his pen off the desk. ‘See that pen,’ said Silas. ‘Winnie gave it to me, it signed the Atlantic Charter. The only souvenir dear old Winnie ever gave me. Bless him.’ He took the pen and signed the cheque with a flourish. ‘The other necessary signatures are already there,’ he said. He picked up the Funfunn cheque and our grand looking fake and gave them both to Karl. It was artistry the way Silas handled them. One was a lifetime of effort and savings and the other piece of paper quite worthless, it was artistry the way Silas reversed their values.
‘Put them both in the safe,’ he said. He gave Karl the key to the safe and turned away, and so did Bob. I was the only person who saw the marks open the safe and plonk the cheques into it. There was a half second of indecision, but Silas turning away took care of that. It was the exact moment of balance, like a crystal clear soprano or a mountain top at dawn. This was the moment you came back for again and again.
‘Now don’t leave the room,’ Silas told the marks. ‘Is the safe door firmly closed? The key turns twice.’
Karl nodded. I was still standing by the desk smelling the heady perfume that pervades a room in which a large cheque has been signed.
‘Go ahead, Miss Grimsdyke,’ prompted Silas, who knew my weakness for such moments. ‘Get along to the telex.’
‘Rona,’ said the short one – Johnny. ‘Have you got Rona?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘Rona is good.’
‘I’ll think of more,’ said Johnny.
I nodded my thanks and made for the door. Silas was screwing up his face, trying to understand why the mark had suddenly said Rona like that.
‘I’ll go with you,’ said Bob. ‘I’ll send the confirmatory telex to Mr King.’
‘Good chap,’ said Silas. When I got outside I closed the door behind me and heaved a sigh of relief. Once in the next office, Bob took off Silas’s vicuna coat and threw it across the chair. I picked it up and folded it neatly. Bob changed into the Security Guard coat. Through the wooden partition, I heard Silas laugh loudly. I walked quietly across the room to the false end of the safe. I flipped back the black velvet curtain and removed the two cheques. I looked at my watch, we were exactly on schedule. I slipped a plain gold wedding ring onto my finger.
Bob donned the Security Guard cap and gun belt, and I tucked his surplus hair up under the hatband. He snapped the wrist lock on to his arm and then tested it and the case locks too. His notebook was on the table and he pointed to each listed action as he did them. False documents cleared away, no clothing on chairs etc., wrist lock oiled working and in place. Case locks, oiled working and in place. Security uniform buttoned correctly and clean and brushed. Gunbelt on, and a correctly placed strap over right shoulder. Shoes shined. I nodded approval to Bob.
The last line read, ‘leave office floor at two fifty eight.’ As the sweep-second hand came up, I went in the hall. Bob followed.
While closing the office door I heard a voice through the partition wall, ‘But wasn’t it the craziest coincidence that we both bank downstairs in the same branch of the same bank?’
‘Well of course,’ said Silas. ‘We didn’t bank there until we heard that you did.’ They all laughed. We took the freight elevator to avoid Mick. Bob looked just great in his uniform, but he had a sudden attack of stage fright in the lift. ‘Supposing the bank won’t pass across that amount of cash? It’s a hell of a lot.’
‘Stop worrying Bob,’ I said. ‘How many times have we rehearsed it? Four times. Each time they have let us have it, and each time the cheque has gone through. They are well softened up by now. This morning I called them and said I was Funfunn’s cashier and I was issuing the cheque. We’ve done everything. They think I have some illegal racket going, but they don’t care about that, as long as the cheque goes through.’
‘But we’re going to ask them for a quarter million in cash.’
‘For some people,’ I said, ‘that’s not a lot of money. All I have to do is look like one of those people.’
‘You’re right,’ Bob said. He dried his hands on his handkerchief.
The bank was a big plate-glass place with black leather and stainless steel and bright eyed little clerks who tried to pick me up. Today they were running around watching the clock, anxious to close the doors and clear up early for the weekend.
‘You only just made it,’ the clerk said.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘But I told you on the ’phone that we’d only just make it. The traffic is very heavy today.’
‘There you go,’ said the bank clerk. ‘And I was just telling Jerry that traffic was running light this afternoon.’
‘Not the cross-town,’ I said. ‘That’s where you get trouble.’
The clerks nodded. ‘I’m Mrs Amalgamin,’ I said. ‘This guard is taking Mr Amalgamin a quarter of a million dollars in cash.’
‘He’s going to have a big weekend,’ said the clerk.
‘Nah,’ said Bob. ‘He ran out of cigarettes is all. You don’t know how these guys in exurbia live.’ I glared at him, but smiled at the clerk.
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