PS Olive You. Lizzie Allen
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‘I’ve had nothing but restaurant food for a fortnight,’ he said, smearing the plaque across the glass. ‘Could do with some home-cooked food really.’
I swallowed a quarter of my gin and picked out the lemon with my fingers.
‘The truth is I’ve not really had time to shop.’
He stopped and stared at me through the mirror incredulously.
‘At the risk of sounding repetitive, what have you been doing all week?’
‘House-hunting, like you said.’
‘Right,’ he said sarcastically. He turned back to his flossing and spoke between sawing motions. ‘Find anything?’
‘Well yes actually. There’s a lovely little two-bed terrace come up in the Chora.’
‘But we agreed the Chora was too noisy. We were going to find something slightly out of town.’
My hackles were starting to rise. There had been no ‘we’ in our decision to buy out of town, just Andrew’s incessant me, me, me. I bit my tongue and stared out the window while I counted to ten. The man was so bloody intractable, he could be a pig-headed nightmare if his position became entrenched. It was easier to bring him round gently whilst massaging his ego into believing the change of plan was his decision all along.
Back home in Chelsea I had a whole host of techniques I could deploy at any given moment to achieve this end. The most successful was frying him kipper with onions and capers. Eeuw. I couldn’t stand the smell, the texture, the colour. But it was his favourite dish and I was not above using it to curry favour. I’d paint my lips with Estee Lauder Neon Azalea pink, (his ‘preferred ‘colour), flatter him with empty compliments (easily done) and then fry up his blasted kipper whilst mentally wording and rewording the request I hoped he’d cooperate with.
Darling, would you mind awfully if I did such-and-such.
Sweetheart, the neighbours have bought a such-and-such and we could so do with one.
My love, would you mind awfully if we didn’t do such-and-such.
In Greece I’d sooner batter him over the head with a piece of kipper than serve it to him on a bed of capers and onions. I breathed deeply to calm myself down before speaking.
‘This place is so charming, Andrew, it would be a shame not to consider it.’
‘Did you see the place up on the neck?’
I chewed the lemon and took another swig of my gin.
‘Yes, it’s OK. Bit isolated.’
He gave me a long look and went into the bedroom to change.
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