Second Time Loving. PENNY JORDAN
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help one another out.’
The doctor was standing up, his examination finished. ‘You’ll be feeling very weak for a few days yet,’ he warned her.
‘But I can get up,’Angelica pressed. She had already made up her mind that she simply could not impose on her host any longer. And besides, now that she was properly conscious, properly aware, well, she felt both uncomfortable and guilty about the way she had been so dependent on Daniel. Dependency wasn’t something she was used to, and since the débâcle of her relationship with Giles she had striven very hard to regain her former self-reliance. It had become very important to her that she was independent of other people, that she was able to function completely on her resources. She was never, ever again going to allow herself to suffer the kind of emotional trauma and pain she had suffered with Giles.
‘Yes, you can get up,’ the doctor agreed, frowning thoughtfully at her, ‘but I must warn you against trying to do too much too soon. You could very easily have a relapse. Salmonella is never something to be treated lightly and when it’s as severe as this bout you’ve just had…’ His frown deepened, and Angelica had the feeling that he was about to say something else, but obviously he must have changed his mind because after a few seconds’ pause he smiled at her and said kindly, ‘This isn’t London, you know. Here we take our responsibility to our small communities and to each other very seriously indeed. You mustn’t feel guilty about needing Daniel’s help. Just think of it as a good deed you’ve been “loaned”, and which one day you’ll have the opportunity to pass on to someone else.’
He gave her another smile, closed his bag and headed for the door before she could say anything else.
Angelica heard Daniel talking to him when he went downstairs, and sensitively wondered if it was her they were discussing. It was stupid to feel so vulnerable, so defensive, she chided herself.
Surely she was mature enough, sensible enough to realise that all men weren’t like Giles—that she had been unlucky and perhaps a little foolish, but that the pain she had suffered was no reason to turn her back on the entire male sex, mistrustful and afraid of every single one of its members.
Maybe not, but it would be folly to allow herself to fall in love again, to—
Fall in love? She frowned heavily. Who on earth was talking about falling in love, for heaven’s sake? What possible link could there be between her relationship with Giles and the very, very different relationship which circumstances had forced on her with Daniel?
Daniel. She tasted the name, testing it cautiously, acknowledging that in some way it suited him. It was a powerful name, a little awesome in some ways. Like the man himself? Did she find him powerful and just a little intimidating? Just a little bit too much the dominant male animal, supremely confident of himself, in a way she knew she could never be?
Was it an inbuilt flaw of her sex that it was so constantly vulnerable, so constantly aware of its failings and insecurities? Wasn’t it because of her own awareness of her personal, deep-rooted insecurities, her fear that her life was starting to revolve too completely around her work that she had been so dangerously open to Giles’s deliberate manipulation? Had she had a stronger, tougher, more male-based personality, she would have been too self-sufficient, too sure of herself and confident to fall for Giles’s rather obvious and facile charm.
Was she never going to stop feeling guilty for being such a fool, for not realising far sooner than she had just what Giles was? It still galled her to realise that, in the eyes of others, she must have seemed both stupid and laughable; a mature woman, so desperately craving love and reassurance that she had not been able to see the truth.
She was never going to allow herself to be deceived like that again. From now on her relationships with men were going to be strictly non-emotional, strictly held at a safe distance from her too vulnerable heart.
It still tore at her emotionally that, despite the success she had made of her business life, she still felt this emptiness, this yearning, this need to be fulfilled as a woman.
She shivered a little, all too well able to imagine how the man downstairs would laugh at that kind of vulnerability. Even Tom, great friend though he was, had not really understood this deep-rooted need she had to love and be loved in return. At times she didn’t even understand it herself, resenting its hold on her, wishing there was some way she could destroy it so that it never made her vulnerable again.
If she couldn’t destroy her own inner need, then at least she could ensure that no man ever got close enough to use it against her, manipulating her, deceiving her.
She moved restlessly, conscious of a sharp, biting anger that fate had decreed that she should be rendered so helpless and vulnerable that she had had no option but to accept Daniel’s help.
Why couldn’t it have been another woman who had found her there on the doorstep? Why did it have to be an unknown man—a man, moreover, who, despite his shabby clothes and generally down-at-heel appearance, seemed to exude power and strength in a way that only seemed to reinforce her own appalling weakness?
Despite what the doctor had said, despite his warnings, the sooner she moved into Tom’s cottage and away from Daniel, the better.
She said as much to Daniel himself half an hour later when he came upstairs, glibly omitting to tell him that while the doctor had said she might get up he had also warned her against overdoing things.
‘I really do feel I’ve trespassed on your time and hospitality far too long,’ she told him coolly, adopting her most businesslike manner and trying not to feel acutely conscious of the fact that all she was wearing was one of his shirts. ‘And the doctor agrees with me that I am now well enough to manage on my own.’
Was there just a suspicion of a betraying tremor in her voice as she spoke this small fib? Was she tilting her chin just a little too much as though defying him to argue with her, and, when he didn’t, when he simply continued to regard her thoughtfully, was that really a tiny thread of disappointment that tangled with her relief, increasing her anxiety to escape to the security and privacy of Tom’s cottage?
‘If you’re sure you can manage,’he said at last.
‘Yes. Yes, I am,’ and then, aware that it might seem as though she was not aware of all that he had done for her, she added quickly, ‘I’m very grateful to you of course, and if there’s anything I can do to repay you…’
The smile he gave her almost seemed to mock her as though he knew exactly how desperate she was to escape from him.
‘I still don’t even know your name,’ she told him fretfully, hating the way she felt at such a disadvantage. Now that she was fully conscious again, she was acutely aware of her unmade-up face and tousled hair, her borrowed and unconventional nightshirt, while he stood watching her armoured in the secure protection of his jeans and shirt. Now when it was the last thing she wanted to do, she had a series of illuminating and embarrassing mental memories of hazy moments of consciousness when she had called out for help, and he had been there, his hands holding her, soothing her, his movements calm and sure as though he had known instinctively what to do.
No nurse however professional could have cared for her so conscientiously. She was overwhelmingly grateful to him, and at the same time she was intensely self-conscious and embarrassed about the intimacies which had passed between them; intimacies which, even if she had been only half conscious at the time and in no fit state to do anything other than submit thankfully to his care, had remained uncomfortably sharply etched in her memory.
She remembered after one particularly gruelling bout of sickness how he had stripped off her clothes, and gently sponged her skin, almost seeming to know how intensely she longed to feel the clean coolness of fresh water on her body washing away the smell and heat of her nausea.
Looking at him now, it seemed impossible that he had shown such care, such…such tenderness. She felt her face grow hot with guilt and anger. What was the matter with her? He had simply done what he had felt necessary. In this part of the world neighbours helped one another, the doctor had told her that. There