Dearest Enemy. Nan Ryan
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and was resolved never to burden her with worries regarding their livelihood.
Keeping the family ledgers balanced was not Suzanna's only duty. When the war began, a number of the servants had deserted Whitehall. Of the few who remained, none wanted to journey too far from home. Understanding their confusion and fear, Suzanna assured them that they need not leave the safety of the mansion. If they would see to the household chores, she would do the necessary marketing.
In truth, she rather enjoyed venturing forth to choose fresh fruits and vegetables from the sidewalk stalls just across the river. And it afforded the opportunity to eavesdrop and learn about the war's progress, to hear news of troop movements. Her mere presence in the staunchly Union city was an unspoken assurance that her alliance lay with the North. In the interest of self-preservation, she allowed that assumption to go unchallenged. Indeed, she enhanced it by pretending delight on hearing people proclaim that the mighty Union would make short work of putting down the rebellion.
At market on the blistering hot afternoon of July 22, 1861, Suzanna observed great numbers of the shattered Union Army marching wearily into Washington. When she inquired about the meaning, an old gentleman who was clearly disappointed informed her that “the upstart Confederates have been victorious at Manassas.”
“Ah, that's too bad,” Suzanna commented, hoping her face did not betray her true feelings.
She went on carefully choosing ripened peaches and placing them in the basket over her arm, suppressing the smile that was playing at her lips.
Then, all at once, from out of the blue, one of those dreaded “feelings” came over her. The blood drained from her face. Her basket of fruit fell to the ground. She didn't bend and pick it up. She immediately left the outdoor market. She hurried back across the bridge, anxious to get home, plagued with an icy fear that something had happened to Ty or to Matthew.
Her heart drumming in her ears, she fought the panic that was threatening to choke her. By the time she reached the circular drive of Whitehall, she was out of breath and had a painful stitch in her side.
She stopped at the front gate, pressed a hand to her aching side and blinked away the sunspots dancing before her eyes. Her anxiety escalated when she looked up and saw her frail mother standing on the veranda. Old Durwood, the only male servant still at Whitehall, was at her side, supporting her.
“No,” Suzanna murmured soundlessly, “please, God, no. No, no, no.” She lifted her skirts and raced up the front walk.
She reached her mother, looked at Emile with questioning eyes. The older woman said nothing, but her wet cheeks and ashen face spoke volumes. Suzanna looked from her mother to Durwood and back again.
“Matthew? Is it Matthew?” Suzanna asked, studying her mother's face. No reply. “Ty?” Suzanna could hardly get his name out. “Dear Lord, it's Ty, isn't it? Ty has been…”
“B…both,” Emile LeGrande barely managed to whisper. “Both of them,” she murmured, and then began to sob so violently she could say no more.
“Both? No! No, that's impossible. It can't be, it cannot be true.” Suzanna, refusing to believe, looked at the stooped servant. “Durwood, tell me this is all a terrible misunderstanding! It has to be a mistake. Why, I just heard at the Blakely Street market that the Rebs have had a stunning victory at Manassas, so you see…it…they…Matt and Ty…”
“Miz Suzanna,” said the kindly Durwood. “Miz Emile was not feeling well, so she send me round to Doc Ledet's for some—”
“Ah, there, that's it!” Suzanna seized on the possible misunderstanding. “Mother's feeling ill and she had a bad dream while napping. The same thing has happened to me many times.” Nervously, she smiled and stated, “Mother hasn't been out of the house, so she couldn't possibly have heard that…”
“Miz Suzanna, I tol' you I was at Doc Ledet's. The doctor, he had been out and he checked the weekly casualty list.” Durwood swallowed hard. “He assumed we knew. He thought that's why I come for him, 'cause Miz Emile she be so distraught over…” His words trailed away.
Suzanna was shaking her head, refusing to accept it. “If it were true, Dr. Ledet would have come right over….”
“He did, Miz Suzanna. The doctor come home with me to be with Miz Emile.”
Suzanna felt her world swiftly spinning out of control. “He came? Then where is he? Surely he wouldn't be so callous as to leave Mother alone when…when…”
“He had to go, Miz Suzanna. He's needed at the hospital to tend Union wounded coming in from Manassas.”
For a long moment, Suzanna said nothing more. She just stood there staring at her grieving mother and the teary-eyed servant. When she did speak, it was in level, well-modulated tones. “Durwood, are you absolutely certain that Dr. Ledet said…” She drew a shallow breath. “Both of them? Matt and Ty both…killed in battle? They're gone? They are never coming home?”
“Yes'em, he was sure,” the old man said. “If it be any help, the doctor said this first land battle of the war was a clear victory for the Confederacy.”
Suzanna nodded feebly. She closed her eyes, opened them. She dutifully stepped forward and put an arm around her mother's trembling shoulders.
Suzanna drew a spine-stiffening breath and said softly, “Yes, Durwood, it does help. It helps a great deal. I am certain that Ty and Matt were heroic and that we can all be very proud of them both. Thank you so much. You may go.”
“Anything I can do, I will, Miz Suzanna.”
“I'll call if we need you.”
The old man nodded and, blinking back tears, crossed the veranda and moved gingerly down the steps. He slowly circled the mansion and went to his quarters in the carriage house.
Suzanna heard a roaring in her ears. She felt faint and sick. She longed to scream in pain, but she didn't. She had to be strong for her helpless mother. She held the weeping Emile in her arms and comforted her, soothing her as if she were a fretful child.
When, finally, Emile was so exhausted she stopped sobbing and had calmed a little, Suzanna took her inside. She put her mother to bed and gave her a small amount of the laudanum that Dr. Ledet had supplied. She sat with her mother until Emile fell into a welcome slumber.
It was nearing sunset when Suzanna tiptoed out of the room and quietly closed the door. She walked down the grand staircase as if in a trance. In the foyer she paused and wondered, Should I turn and go into the library? Or should I make my way to the kitchen and see about the evening meal? Or perhaps go up to my room and write a note of sympathy to Ty's parents?
What exactly did a person do when she'd just received word that the two men she loved most in all the world were dead? When she'd been told that she no longer has the protective big brother who had been with her all of her life. That she would never be the bride of the handsome young man who'd promised to take her to Paris and to cherish her forever?
For a long, tortured moment, Suzanna stood there unmoving in the silent foyer, wondering how she could possibly endure this double tragedy. How she could go on when all was forever lost.
She couldn't.
It was too much.
She couldn't stand it.
At last, that much-needed release swamped her.
Suzanna put her hand over her mouth to stifle the wrenching sobs that were tearing at her tight throat. She flew out of the house, across the veranda and down the front steps. She raced around the mansion and out into the back gardens. She ran until her legs finally grew too weak to carry her, and her heart was burning in her chest, her hot face wet with rapidly flowing tears.
She had reached the riverbank when her knees buckled. She fell forward, sprawling on her belly, her hooped skirts belling up behind her. She didn't rise. She screamed and cried and beat on the ground with her fists, overcome with grief and pain. She cried until there were no