Open Secret. Janice Johnson Kay
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pregnancy.
Formally petition the court to open your adoption records.
She wouldn’t have to do that. If she was the right Carrie St. John, somebody had done the searching for her.
A sister. And he’d said she had a brother, too.
Her heart lurched with anxiety. Ridiculous. He was wrong, that’s all. He had to be wrong. Maybe tomorrow she should call him, hear the story and explain where he’d made his mistake.
Carrie turned off the computer again, rinsed out the mug and put it in the dishwasher, switched off the lights and went back to bed.
She almost managed to put the whole thing out of her mind by focusing on her job search, on where she wanted to live, on trying to decide whether she missed Craig at all.
But at the edge of sleep, when her guard relaxed, she thought, It’s true that I don’t look like Mom or Dad. Not really.
And when she did sleep, her dreams were restless, filled with people who told her they were her mother and father and sister and brother, and even a man who said he was her husband. Faces kept changing, and in bewilderment she started tapping women on their shoulders and, when they turned, asking, “Are you my mom?”
When her alarm went off, she was so disoriented it took her a minute to realize why it had gone off, where she was, why she was supposed to get up.
As tired as she was, she still didn’t have the slightest desire to go back to sleep. She showered, dressed and went to work.
There, grateful for the privacy her cubicle offered, she tried to concentrate. Midmorning, her phone rang.
“Hi,” her mother said. “I was just thinking about you and thought I’d call.”
“Mom.” Her mother never called her at work. “Is something wrong?”
“What would be wrong?” She gave a tinkle of laughter that sounded artificial. “I just wondered if you’d given notice, and if you’ve seen Craig again, and, oh,” she seemed to hesitate, then said in a rush, “if you’re up to anything new.”
“No, I haven’t given notice yet.” And she didn’t intend to today, either, Carrie realized. Right now, this job felt safe, comfortable. Stepping into the unknown wasn’t very appealing at the moment.
“Craig and your dad had a talk yesterday. I thought perhaps he’d have called you.”
“Mom, I can’t imagine Craig ever begging. And I was pretty firm with him.”
“Are you sure you’re not…well, just panicking at the idea of commitment? That’s not an uncommon reaction, you know.”
Was that what this was about? Her mother’s disappointment that she was rejecting the perfect son-in-law? A doctor, even; he and Daddy would have so much in common.
“I worry about you living alone. You do have an unlisted phone number, don’t you? Not just unpublished?”
So that’s what this was about, Carrie thought in shock. Her mother was afraid somebody would be trying to call. Somebody like Mark Kincaid.
She heard herself say automatically, “I’m pretty sure it’s unlisted, Mom. You don’t have to worry.”
Am I your daughter? Her mouth formed the words, but she didn’t say them. Eyes squeezed shut, Carrie felt dampness seep from them. Mommy, tell me the truth!
“I’d…better go,” she lied instead, her voice thick. “Somebody’s waiting to talk to me.”
Somehow she finished the day at work. By the time she got home, it was after five. Maybe Kincaid Investigations stayed open until five-thirty or six. She could at least leave a message.
Assuming she wanted to talk to him at all. The phone in her hand, she closed her eyes, steadying herself. She wanted, oh so desperately, to reject out of hand everything he’d said and the doubt he’d stirred in her, but she couldn’t. Her mother had sounded so…odd. Maybe, most of all, Carrie was unsettled by the knowledge she’d always lived with—that she was quite different from her parents, in looks, temperament, tastes and abilities.
Of course, kids weren’t clones of their parents. The genetic mix that made up any human being was complex. She’d never worried about it before. But now…
She dialed the number she’d taken from the Web site, listened to the options, pressed 3 for “Leave a message for Mark Kincaid” and then said in a rush, “Mr. Kincaid, this is Carrie St. John. I’m sorry I ran out on you. I’m still pretty sure that I’m not the person you’re looking for, but I’m willing to hear what you have to say.” She left her phone numbers, work and home, and hung up.
She had trouble deciding on anything for dinner, trouble figuring out what she wanted to do for the evening. She felt restless, anxious, jumpy. She wanted to talk to somebody, but couldn’t decide who. Stacy, a friend from nursing school, who hardly knew Carrie’s parents? Ilene, her best friend from childhood, who did know them? So well, in fact, that Ilene had gone to Carrie’s mom for comfort when her own parents had split up.
In the end, she didn’t call anybody. It felt disloyal to express doubts based on no evidence whatsoever. She wasn’t even entirely sure why she was taking this so seriously, why she was so upset about it. She should wait until she had some proof one way or the other.
Nothing on TV looked interesting. She changed channels, unable to care about fictional storylines or the absurd drama on reality shows. She switched the set off, cleaned her bathroom, picked up a People magazine and lost interest in it, too. She should have gone to the health club, but now if she worked out she wouldn’t be able to sleep.
The phone rang, and she jumped. She hesitated, then picked it up. Don’t be Mom or Dad, she prayed.
“Ms. St. John? This is Mark Kincaid again.”
“Oh!” she said, absurdly. “Did you get my message?”
“Yeah, I did. I sometimes check them from home. Is this too late for you?”
“No! No. I’m glad you called. I keep thinking about what you said, and…” She shrugged, even though he couldn’t see her. “I just wished I’d let you explain. That’s all.”
“I’d prefer to talk to you in person.”
Knowing she was crazy to suggest it, she still said, “You could come over. I won’t be going to bed for a while.”
He was nice enough to sound regretful. “I’m afraid I can’t. I’ve put my son to bed and it’s too late in the evening to get a sitter.”
“Oh.” Carrie was conscious of a funny mix of emotions. If he had a son, that probably meant he was married. She hadn’t consciously thought of him as someone who would interest her—that was hardly the point—but now she was just a little disappointed. At the same time, she was actually relieved, because the fact that he was a good husband and father meant he was safe.
“Can I meet you at lunchtime tomorrow?” he asked.
“I work in Bellevue…” She stopped, suddenly self-conscious. “I suppose you know everything about me, don’t you?”
“No, actually, I don’t,” he said. “I could have learned more, but once I had your address and phone number, I didn’t look for background. I was hoping you’d want to meet Suzanne…”
“Suzanne?” she interrupted. “Is that my… I mean, is she your client?”
“Yes. Suzanne Chauvin.”
“It sounds French.”
“You could be French,” he pointed out.
Her stomach knotted. She could be. It wasn’t just the fact that neither of her parents were brown-eyed that made her look different from them. It was the golden tone to her skin, the dark, crackling wavy mass of her